Showing posts with label cars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cars. Show all posts

Friday, August 16, 2013

Decal 'stache

Thursday, April 28, 2011

U-turn fail

This poor guy found out the hard way that big rigs and muddy shoulders do not get along very well. We spotted this disaster on a frontage road along I-35 in Lakeville near the County Road 70 exit and decided to take a detour to document his shame -- I mean, the scene.

Monday, October 06, 2008

It's ok, people. Just start doing what you did before.

There are reports of $2.99 gas in some areas of the metro. It seems plausible since gas was $3.09 at several stations in Lakeville this morning. So it's officially over. I'll bet you feel pretty fucking stupid for trading in your double-engined Lincoln Navigator now, don't you? I foresee mass abandonment of hybrids by the side of the road and upon clovered hillocks. I, for one, am going to take my gas-sipping 4-cylinder coupe to the old trash burning pit on the family farm, douse it in paint thinner, and light it ablaze. Then I'll take the insurance money and use it to buy a spare tire for a Land Rover. It'll have to be a used tire though.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Acura tough

What it lacks in cargo space it makes up for in window opening abilities. And yes, I knew ahead of time that this is what I would have to do to get this thing home. So if you ever need a single 10 foot 2x4 hauled, you know who to call.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Drive Smarter 2: Drive Smarterer Harderer

When one has a blog, one mustn't cling to the past. Unless you have a blog post that is arguably a runaway success. Then you dig an ice pick into its back, throw a saddle onto it, and ride it into the ground all the way to the molten core of the earth. When you post what ends up being pretty much the same thing, you hope there are just enough differences that no one notices, and that you are lauded for completely "new" and "original" comedy gold.

The manual for my 2002 Acura RSX is quite a bit different than the one for Ang's Chevy Impala. The characters inhabiting the Impala manual are tired, weary of the world, and often drunk, stoned, or both. The happy world created by Acura is filled with smiling drivers, giddy passengers, and gurgling babies such as this one, whose legs are made of Pillsbury bread sticks for some reason.

This is what you look like when you drive. A bowl-haircutted Pinnochio with a left hand made of a spatula.

In order to avoid damage to the front end of your vehicle, use caution when going down steep inclines.

Also, I wouldn't recommend this particular maneuver. Unless you're Jason Bourne running from the law with a hot lap full of Identity.

Front tires may be used to summon freemasons and forest nymphs. Except Type-R forest nymphs.

"My eyes are up here, Mister, not on my dipstick."

Tower of lightning-shooting boobies! Drive away faster!!!

Hey, Frank! Thanks for bringing my car back. Did it give you any prob--ohhh... I can see you are um... busy. Uh... yeah, I'll just go back in the house and let you finish up. Tissues are in the glove compartment. In fact, why don't you just keep the car. As a... um... token of friendship. Tell Jan I said hi.

Rub here, here, here, and especially here.

Just because state law doesn't say you can't read the paper and eat Jell-o while driving doesn't mean you should.

Nonchalant lactation trajectory scenario 7a.

Wow! Congratulations on the baby! What's that? You're not pregnant? Oh. Awkward.

Deliberate lactation trajectory scenario 14c.

"Look, Bryan. We both knew from the start that this thing wasn't going to work out. Cry all you want, but this is best for both of us. It's not like I can just shove you back in there."

Somehow this diagram doesn't seem accurate.

Much better.

"Honey, did that guy on the motorcycle just fart at us?"

Drat! The tower of boobies tracked us down again! Deflectors on full! Pyoo pyoo pyoo!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Awesome dragon does little to distract from shitty car

Moblog: Holiday station at the corner of Cliff Rd and Nicols in Eagan. This same dragon is on both sides of the vehicle.

Update: I forgot to mention when I posted this that I was not the only person who had pulled into the parking lot with the sole purpose of taking a photo of this rolling wonder. Right after I parked haphazardly in front of the store, another car parked right around the corner of the building. The pair of teenagers inside were laughing when one of them stumbled out of the passenger side, barely able to maintain composure long enough to aim his cell phone at the car.

Suburban warrior

Moblog: Buffalo Wild Wings in Savage

Friday, July 11, 2008

A curious hole (in Google Street View)

In the process of looking for an address in the Highland Park area of St Paul, I noticed a curious gap in Google's Street View coverage of that part of St Paul. You'll notice that nearby suburbs like Sunfish Lake don't have much coverage either, but zoom out farther, and all of St Paul is pretty well covered from block to block except Highland Park and other areas near the Ford Plant. I find it rather strange that in one of the two major cities comprising the urban metro area has such a huge gap, particularly in one of the more prominent neighborhoods of St Paul.

Also, I found this totally pimp ride:

Friday, May 30, 2008

Wet and reckless

I recently learned of a portion of the California Vehicle Code, 23103.5, which leaves open the possibility, given the agreement of the prosecution, for a person charged with a DUI to plead to a lesser charge of alcohol-related reckless driving, regardless of whether there was actually reckless driving involved. This charge is known as "Wet and Reckless," or "Wet Reckless."

Let it sink in. Wet and reckless.

"Wet and Reckless in California! The hottest babes party on the beach by day and climb onto our party bus to eat each other out on film by night. All the wet and reckless action you can handle and more! Call now and get our free bonus DVD, Tits, Tits, and More Tits: All Up In Your Face and Partially Up In Your Ass."


"Dear Playboy Advisor, my boyfriend wants me to reach over and rub his taint while he drops a wet reckless on my pubic mound. First, I'm not sure what a wet reckless is. Second, will I need special shampoo to clean that out of my landing strip?"


Calleigh Duquesne: "Horatio, I'm glad you got out here so fast. Our vic somehow managed to ride a jet ski down the hotel pool's water slide and crashed full speed into the concrete wall. I'm thinking this is an accident, open and shut."

Horatio Caine: "Tell me... Ms... Duqeusne... if this... was an accident... why... is his ankle handcuffed... to the exhaust?"

Calleigh Duquesne: "You're right. And whoever did it left behind a torn piece of wetsuit and a finger print."

Horatio Caine: "Then it looks like we... are looking for someone who is... wet and reckless."

Roger Daltrey: "YAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Monday, May 05, 2008

Oh. My. God. An actual Yugo.

Moblog: I was telling a story about boobs when we were all distracted by this Yugo. That is just how awesome a Yugo is.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Pimp my horseless carriage

If you do not want the car in this craigslist ad, you should have been aborted in the 4th trimester, playa. This is what KITT would have looked like circa '72.

Or better yet, help this guy find the lady of his dreams.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Drive smarter

Riding back from northern Minnesota forced me to entertain myself with all means at my disposal. This included sinking to reading the owner's manual for the Impala I was riding in. But the more I read, the more enthralled I became. I learned so much about cars and how to drive them that I am now invincible on the road and shall drive that way forever more. Look out, Johnny Left Lane, I'm driving up your tail pipe and spritzing you with lavender!

First, we are introduced to a very important symbol that is used throughout the manual. This circle with a slash through it means, "Do Not," "Do Not do this," or "Do Not let this happen." For example, an artist's rendering of your ass being gang raped prison-style might have one of these on it. Note that I said "might."

This diagram warns that if the seatbelt is not properly buckled, passengers with particularly veiny penises could find their members irreversibly entangled in the straps.

Warning: electric ottoman!

I wasn't really sure what this one meant. Science geeks with snow-capped slopes on their heads ahead???

In the event of a rear-impact crash, a metal rod will impale your baby via the rectum.

This either means that boogers picked while driving should be wiped under the seat or illustrates the proper hand signal for requesting sexual favors from a back seat passenger.

Please, please, PLEASE do not jill off while driving.

Driving is the perfect time to contemplate what a douchebag you've become.

The following three photos illustrate the horrible truth -- auto manufacturers use paralympic medal winners for crash testing purposes. I think I'm going to be sick.

Exhibition of gang signs while buckling of seat belts is strongly discouraged.

Seat belts can be useful for the restraint of particularly raging erections.

Dry humping of steering wheel may cause pregnancy.

When driving by attractive women walking down the street, yell "Unggghhhh... I smell that sandwich baby! Check out my pickle!" while making a jerking motion on the seatbelt.

Children under 12 should never ride in the front seat, particularly if they have no soul.

"We see you when you dream. We know you didn't finish your almond pudding. We see. We know. You die."

Seat belts are useful for restraining step-siblings from exploring each others bodies out of burgeoning sexual curiosity during long trips.

If you have to give your buddy's stoner girlfriend a ride, keep the shoulder belt undone so she can give you road head in exchange for sizzling beef brisket.

This is what it said in the manual word for word: "That's what you get for adopting a brown baby, bitch!" Once again, this car manual has brought tears of pain to my eyes. Love, don't hate, you stupid auto manufacturer!! This car was built on racism, and I'm getting out of it RIGHT NOW! *sound of car door slamming and angry footsteps*

Children in car seats must be monitored at all times, but may be looked at with contempt and disgust.

"God, I wish you had never been born."

Warning: children are anchors that will sink your life to the bottom of an ocean of responsibility and despair.

If gigantic ball appears before you while driving, speak to it calmly in soft tones and ask it to please move aside so that you may see the road.

Air bags are not for practice make out sessions by business men.

"Mmmph! Ohhhh... yeah, daddy like... mmmm... smack."

When purchasing old iMacs at pawn shops, it is recommended that you secure them in the trunk or back seat.

When you no longer love your wife, it is best that you make her ride in the back seat.

Vehicle is not recommended for transport of World War II-era naval mines.

When using car exhaust to commit suicide in garage, please ensure someone will find you within 48 hours to avoid damaging the upholstery. This will retain maximum resale value at the estate sale (which will consist entirely of your death car and the shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kids in the linen closet).

Leaving keys out for children to find, start automobile, and accidentally roll into a lake and drown is pretty indicative of your overall parenting skills.


Brace head before using back seat for rough sex.

If you must leave your child alone in the car, trips to the casino on a hot day in July are best. This gives the child time to think about your family history of heart disease and incarceration.

"I have so little to look forward to. And can a motherfucker get some water or a moist towelette over here?"

Should your penis become entangled in the controls, step on it repeatedly.

Driving is complicated!

Please do not operate automobile in prevailing westerlies.

Press middle button to launch heat-seeking missile at the asshole on the phone who just cut you off.

This is how many drinks you can drink and still be ok to drive.

In case of unavoidable impact with deer, turn on your windshield wipers to prepare for the initial gush of blood.

If the deer runs away, accelerate. You may still get to run that fucker down.



Car comes equipped with everything you need to dismember and dispose of a body.

No, that isn't "the shocker." You're missing a pinky. You know, for the stink.