Monday, January 17, 2011

The Heavy Vending Machine: Going Greek

Today we'll discuss by far the most exotic offering I've seen in our vending machine to date. Of course, in this day and age, gyros are about as commonplace as mellifluous-voiced homeless guys and cell phone self-portraits of shirtless teabags on the internet. But in our humble little vending machine? Get the fuck outta here! And just look at that wrapper. Full of delicious meat, tomatoes, and onions -- marvelous! And tzatziki sauce -- I don't know what that is! But I couldn't wait to tuck and roll under that flavor bus. And since the brand is "Grecian Delight," when I'm finished I can color the gray out of my hair and get a firm-gripped wand wave from a hairy potter behind the Falafel King.

Of course, as is the cake, the tomatoes and onions were a lie. Opening the deceptive packaging revealed nothing but a stark pita folded with all the art of a file folder containing neatly stacked tax receipts in the form of thin, greasy strips of... of... uh, well to be honest, now that I think of it, I don't know if it was beef or lamb, and I never bothered to read the package to find out. But does it really matter? It was slices of meat I got out of a vending machine. Pardon me for being distracted at the impending risk of contracting an unstoppably quivering and catastrophically demoralized rectum. While I may not have taken the time to identify the meat's animal of origin, fortunately I did notice the enthusiastic exclaimation on the packaging about the tzatziki sauce prior to cooking these well-organized business documents for the recommended 90 seconds. Had I not, I may have missed the sauce packet secreted away between two of the glistening manimal slabs and ended up with a blistering mouthful of seared plastic and strained sun-temperature yogurt.

The first bite didn't contain much of a surprise. Prior to chowing down, I had tasted the tzatziki sauce (I used my clean finger!) to see if I wanted to put any of it on the paperwork (I thought of it as edible whiteout to correct the mistake of eating it in the first place). It was surprisingly tasty, so I squirted a modest streak of the tangy yogurt onto the meat (hey-ohhhhhh!) and knew what to expect in that department. And, as we have found almost unfailingly in past reviews, the pita bread was made soggy by its brief encounter with microwave radiation. However, as it quickly cooled, it did seem to take on the slightly tougher, more chewy texture one would expect. The meat remained unidentifiable, with the slick feel of Spam or some other potted meat. Its flavor wasn't entirely unpleasant.

Overall, I admit that I expected this barely edible assembly to be much worse than it actually was. There were no reverse blowouts or escapes from beyond Thunderdome, and no undergarments had to be disposed of through ritual burning. At the end of the day, however, it was a gyro out of a vending machine, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone save those for whom I held the utmost disdain.

Product: Grecian Delight Gyros Sandwich
Price Paid: $3.00
Antonymns: stellar, successful, savory, handsome, wistful, choleraless
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars (in appreciation of not killing me instantly)
Rating on Cat Anger Scale: Cat in Shoebox


Bo said...

mmmmm, Steak-ummm.

Anonymous said...

We have this thing in our vending machine!