Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Heavy Vending Machine: white fish, can't dump

Unlike last week, which offered the overtly horrid chili dog twins, this week's vending machine selection was relatively bland (or more accurately, the more disgusting options were picked off by now-deceased coworkers). With few options, I settled for a seemingly innocuous fish filet sandwich that was prepared and packaged by the vending machine company itself, C&S Vending of Faribault, MN.

Interestingly, C&S Vending's website indicates that it also provides catering services:

"Need variety? C&S Vending has over 20 different menus to choose from. Our catering clients come to us time and time again because of our consistent service, wide variety and most importantly, delicious, professionally presented food."

Catered menu options include microwaved hamburgers with mandatory boiling hot ketchup, expired Mallomars, and brown lettuce salad. All items are "professionally presented" by staff wearing kick-ass tuxedo t-shirts and jaunty hair nets. Free open-air toilets are provided at the end of the serving line (as well as the start and middle of the serving line).

Before continuing, I must disclose that I have eaten this fish sandwich on multiple occasions. Conceptually, this may actually be more disgusting than eating the horse plop-covered hot dogs, because that means I ate this product pushing against the full weight of prior experience. Not only did I ignore instinct and common sense the first time, I made the same decision again -- multiple times, mind you -- as though there was a reasonable expectation that the outcome would deviate from a well-established pattern of fluttering cheeks and skidmarked porcelain. This is not unlike picking the same path again and again in a Choose Your Own Adventure book and becoming irate when you learn that the author has not yet broken into your home to personally alter your copy so that you do not die in the cave.

As with the hot dogs, the fish sandwich's bun suffered greatly during its mere 45 seconds in the microwave, turning into a mushy mass of structurally inconsiderate pre-moistened towelette leakage. Any finger contact with the sandwich resulted in the bread immediately compressing and vacuum packing itself to the filet, allowing the molten Kraft American single sitting atop the filet to singe off  my fingerprints. And though the sandwich does come with a packet of Heinz tartar sauce, even a thick application didn't protect me from my inevitable calling as a gloveless sneak thief.

In comparison to a fresh McDonald's Filet-o-Fish, the C&S rendition's filet was slightly mushier with a grittier feel to the breading and was only slightly less flavorful. If compared to a Filet-o-Fish that had been sitting under a heat lamp over the lunch hour, there probably wouldn't be much difference between the two, ignoring the collapsed bun (not to be confused with a prolapsed rectum, which may or may not result from eating this poorly on the regular).

Product: C&S Vending Fish Filet Sandwich
Price Paid: $2.25
Symptoms: Shortness of breath, taste of copper, bursts of hail, levee damage
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars
Bathroom Forecast: Partly shitty with a chance of temporary paralysis


RonnyGunz said...

You really couldn't have made those pictures any less appetizing than that.

Jeremy Gibbens said...

Give me about 45 minutes and half a roll of Quilted Northern.