Monday, April 23, 2007

What's your fecal threat level?

"Chloe, open a socket to a Level Mercenary Swamp Cooler, and transfer it to my screen."
I've spoken several times now of the wonders of the Bristol Stool Scale. My coworkers are aware of this scale of measurement for stool form and viscosity, however, we have devised a superior scale where fecal form is measured by what it can pass through.

Afterglide Fecal Threat Level Scale

Also known as the Afterglide Fecal Thread Count Scale

Level Ten BountyStool is basically brown water. There may be an undigested onion or peanut in there, but that's about it. Passes easily through brand name quilted paper towels.
Level Foxtrot Cheese ClothStool is mushy with low viscosity. May contain an acorn or a half Cheeto.
Level Deux Deux Beach TowelStool is the consistency of watery gelatin. Jiggling banana slices and grapes are optional.
Level Charlie Worn ShammyStool has murkily defined edges, but is soft and globular like briefly microwaved bubble tea. Not quite solid, but not quite liquid.
Level Sub Seven Screen DoorStool has definite edges, but is still not exactly solid. Easily breaks apart into its component ingredients upon contact with straight-chain hydrocarbons. May contain Duplo blocks and Skittle shells.
Level Paladin Manna Broken WindshieldStool is just barely solid. Will not maintain shape when thrown. May be used to grease ball bearings in lawnmowers, jackhammers, and light duty trucks.
Level Mercenary Swamp CoolerStool is solid with well-defined edges and passes with minimal effort. Will maintain shape when thrown, but will splatter upon impact with a hard surface. Will also pass through a running fan with minimal splashback.
Level Cobalt Picture WindowStool is firm, passes with reasonable effort, and contains a minimal grease factor. May be used as an ergonomic crayon. Cobalt Picture Window is widely considered to be the ideal stool size and consistency.
Level Jarlsberg Garage DoorStool is firm, mildly compacted, and is difficult to pass. Low fiber level combined with dangerously high Kraft Dinner ratios make for unavoidable rectal bleeding.
Level Sushi Tango Black Hole High level fecal impaction. Short of medical intervention (manual extraction), the only way to empty the bowels is to stand near a deep gravity well with a high Δv. Time slows, blood pressure drops, and bread dough will not rise without increased yeast volume.

Here's hoping every day is a Cobalt Picture Window day.


lesley said...

In the last 3 days I have made 10 cobalt picture windows. This 21 day cleansing is working wonders.

Jeremy said...

I need to do some energy healing. I've been dancing between a Paladin Manna Broken Windshield and a Mercenary Swamp Cooler since Friday evening. And I spent most of last week between a Ten Bounty and a Foxtrot Cheese Cloth. Thankfully I've never been at a Sushi Tango Black Hole.

lesley said...

Unfortunately, you need your energy "activated" in order to have the joy of pooping nonstop, but I will happily offer you some energy healing treatments (minus the poop). I need to practice my skillz. Elizabeth is on the waiting list so far.

Jeremy said...

Sweet. I'm totally down.

Aliecat said...

What about when it looks like rabbit pellets?

Jeremy said...

Small pellets usually indicate compaction and belie the massive and dense dark matter they herald. I'd classify that as a Level Jarlsberg Garage Door.

dizulli said...

I'm going to try to catch up in the next day. It's not that I don't love you, trust me!

Jeremy said...

Diz, you've been missed, but I can be patient.

Read faster.


Anonymous said...

Love this post. It helps me a lot with identifying my plops.