When a Lakeville man awoke to find cops with flashlights in his bedroom, he was all "What the fuck, man?" Then the cops were like, "Your fucking garage door is open, your front door is unlocked and open (just a few feet from where your kid is having a sleepover), your keys are in the ignition of your pickup outside, and WE were like 'What the fuck, man?'"

First, lock up your house with your kids inside, for crying out loud. Garage door open, house door open (or at least unlocked, depending on whether you believe the cops' reason for entering the house), keys in your truck. Dude, you aren't living in friggin' Mayberry! Just a month ago, a guy just a few miles away in Burnsville left his garage door open and his house door unlocked, and got stabbed and left for dead as the assailants set his house on fire and stole his car. Luckily he managed to survive.

Now should the cops have gone up to Dad's bedroom after already speaking with the kids? For as irresponsible as dear Dad was, the cops may indeed have gone a bit too far. Maybe they sincerely had the best interest of everyone in mind, or maybe they were completely exasperated at the carelessness of this dude and wanted to scare the shit out of him to teach him a lesson. More than likely, I'd guess it's a mixture of the two.

Either way, Dad's lucky he didn't wake up to find either one of these cops standing over him:

But it doesn't change the fact that I'm going to Hell.

Original story.

Thanks for sending in the new pic, Gary! We look forward to putting next to many, many guest blog posts to come.

P.S. Looks like you've lost a little weight, buddy.

Is it a baby pooping a cat pooping a baby pooping a cat pooping a baby etc, or is it a cat pooping a baby pooping a cat pooping a baby pooping a cat etc? Where does it begin? Where does it end? What if God pooped out mankind, and mankind pooped out God? We are each other's poop, therefore we need each other to exist. Hug your fellow man, and you are hugging your own turd. Hug your own turd, and you are hugging your fellow man. This may seem like a logical nightmare, but all you need to remember is that neither the baby nor the cat exist. And neither do you.

"Peek-a-boo"


"Is this fucking kid shitting a KITTEN?!?"


"MMMMMRrrroooowwwrrrrrrr! He bit me on the way out!"


In the beginning, a cat shat forth a baby who shat forth a kitten who shat forth a rainbow. On the second day cat-shitting-baby-shitting-kitten-shitting-rainbow rested.

I've been doing a lot of work around the house lately. Since we cleaned everything up, I replaced the light fixtures by the front door and either side of the garage door, replaced the rotting mailbox post with a brand spanking new cedar post, and made preparations to replace my long-dead water softener with a whole house water filter. Yes, that's a bit of a downgrade, but fuck if I'm spending another $800 (or whatever it would cost these days) to replace the one I had put in 8 years ago when all I want is to remove the minerals and shit that are hard on my pipes and appliances.

In addition to those improvements, I've also made some security upgrades. I hope you like them.

July, 2000


May, 2008

This is a new and improved version of this photo that Ang, Coco, Max, and I took on a whim last night at my house. Trailer house photo in the background courtesy of Flickr user dbjorn.

This was too good, in my humble opinion, to limit to this MNspeak thread.

DeRusha, consider yourself manbabied.




Original photo here.

Before:


Extra crispy:

When you're bored in the passenger seat after a couple hours of traveling on I-35 southbound north of Minneapolis, sometimes you need to make your own billboards.

Click for larger versions.

Before:


God's handiwork would like to kill you.


Gold's handiwork will steal your soul.


Before:


Every burger is a blessing.

For your consideration, a series of found photos posted by Flickr user foundphotoslj. Moral of the story, if you take photos of yourself snorting cocaine and drinking root beer, keep track of the photos, or they'll end up on the internet a quarter of a century later.

UPDATE: Unfortunately it appears that the original photos have been yanked by foundphotoslj. I assume he or she probably was sick of the nutsacks filling up the Flickr, Metafilter, and BoingBoing comments with tirades about posting "stolen" photos of people snorting coke. Yes, posting photos of these people from 25 years ago (that mind you, they took themselves and/or allowed to be taken) is going to ruin their lives henceforth. I considered asking foundphotoslj for permission to repost the originals, but meh... you get the idea, and I'd prefer not to deal with the shit storm. But without further ado, back to our previously written post.

Personally I think all of this explicit drug use is too inappropriate for the internet. I have taken the liberty of making them more family friendly. Click each photo for the full-sized version.

I call the brunette girl!

Lance always throws a fit if he doesn't get first pick of game pieces. I don't know how they plan on listening to that John Tesh album with no record player in sight though. Or furniture for that matter. Doctored version of this photo.

Thumbs up to Chutes and Ladders

Lance makes his move as Adam gives his seal of approval. Doctored version of this photo.

Down on the floor

They spent most of their dough on the down payment for the apartment. Instead of making an Ikea run, they hit up Toys R Us. The other room is filled with paddle games and Nerf guns. Doctored version of this photo.

Has-bros

You can't never tear Lance and Adam apart. Once you bond over the CAL, you ain't never not tight after that. And that ain't not no double negative. And did that photo of the Toyota Prius fall off the wall or have they not hung it up yet? Doctored version of this photo.

Hmm...

Lance tries to remember the rules as he ponders his next move. Dude, it's not chess. Doctored version of this photo.

Get yer shirt on

Lance loves the shirt Kelly made him for his birthday, but the seams are a little jagged. Yeah, bad seams. Totally not bad Photoshop at all. Also looks like they hung their Prius photo... or haven't knocked it down yet. Just how wild is this party going to get? Doctored version of this photo.

Hannah Montana rules!

Adam once paid $3,000 for a pair of Hannah Montana tickets. Both of them were for him. Doctored version of this photo.

I'm a maniac for Chutes and Ladders!

Adam gloats as he knows he's on the verge of winning, but Kelly takes it in stride. They also must have spilled some Cheetos on the carpet because that appears to be a Roomba making the vacuuming rounds. Doctored version of this photo.

Ice cream break!

All of this wholesome fun makes a body hungry for a sweet treat. Look at the size of that freakin' sundae! Johnny 5 waves in the background. Doctored version of this photo.

Moblog: Click it. This guy in the middle, his sweater delights me.

Update: enhanced the photo to illustrate the glow. Seen at Green Mill in Lakeville.

Loren: "When's this rain gonna end, Liberace? Care for a wing?"

Yesterday while Ang had her condo board meeting, I decided to wander over to Ax-Man in St Paul for some surplus browsing bliss. Afterward, I walked down University to Walgreens. Just as I was about to round the corner to the door, I was accosted by a small, middle-aged Asian woman. "Hello! Jesus loves you. Jesus is will light the way!" She shoved a small booklet in my hand and kept jabbering, but I just gave her a cheery "Sounds good!" and kept walking.

The booklet is produced by a Seoul-based church. Have we heard of the four spiritual laws? Aren't there like ten laws? Something something Corinthians Zeus.


Even with descriptions and labels, the diagrams in the pamphlet don't make much sense to me. I guess I'm rusty on my churchin'. Holy God watches as Sinful Man's share prices rise?

Or maybe it's a forest of tall trees. Full of drunken, sinful campers.


Now this one just seems to paint God in a mean light. Why does this diagram depict Him crushing a cross built by man?


??? If you put shit on a chair, your circles will be disorganized and different sizes. Put a cross on that chair, and the circles will turn into sperm and fly away in an orderly fashion, taking the shit with them.


Now this one makes sense. Mankind cannot rely on feeling to drive their lives. Your life must be directed by fact, fueled by faith, and pull your feelings along. Or something.


Ok, so I'm still confused. Here. I'll make it more understandable.