Showing posts with label photos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label photos. Show all posts

Thursday, April 28, 2011

U-turn fail

This poor guy found out the hard way that big rigs and muddy shoulders do not get along very well. We spotted this disaster on a frontage road along I-35 in Lakeville near the County Road 70 exit and decided to take a detour to document his shame -- I mean, the scene.

Friday, October 30, 2009

No-talent ass clown

I don't know the full story behind this god-awful, frightening painting of a child-eating clown, but Melissa's friend Tim found it in a church. This is all of the information I have. Did he buy it? Did he steal it in the middle of the night? Did he walk in and punch the priest squay-ah in the shoemaker, sending uneaten eucharist sailing into the air like startled sparrows?

"I seeeee you, little Peter!"

Which leads me to the handwritten message on the back. Apparently this was given to someone named Peter Miller (or possibly Peter Tlliller, Peter llTiller, Peter πliller, or Peter lπiller) for his birthday on October 1, 1965 by the Donohues.

"Happy Birthday, Peter. This clown is going to crawl out of the frame tonight and rape you in the ear with an unmuted bugle. Love, the Donohues."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Bathroom remodel shoot, day 3: over and out

I don't even know where to begin. For one thing, I'm exhausted from painting until late last night, then getting up at 6 this morning. But I was so excited about everything that I think today I had far more on-camera energy than either of the first two days. The whole thing still doesn't seem real to me, but my bathroom is DONE! And holy fucking shit is it amazing. The total cost they'll quote on-camera on the show is $9,500, but they count that with us doing all of the labor "ourselves." My personal share was about $3,500 ($500 over my original budget, but well worth some of the upgrades we went for). But compare that to the number given to me by the contractor multiple times throughout the project, which was $20,000. $3,500 for $20,000 worth of upgrades.

Waiting around to start shooting.

I really won't give too much away (I'm having a gathering at my home this coming Saturday if you are curious enough to want a peek -- email me for details), mostly because I think it's kind of fun to make you wait just a little longer, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am to the people at the show. Matt the host, Casey the producer, Chris the cameraman, Todd the sound guy, Eoin the production assistant, Kelli the designer, Jim the contractor, and his guys Craig and Jeremy were all so much fun to be around, that it didn't seem like hard work at all (well, gouging the hell out of my arm and sweating buckets seemed like work, but that isn't their fault).

I give Matt an on-camera tour of the work I've done in the kitchen. I've changed clothes because we're shooting it as if it took place on day 1.

My new shower and tub!

Me using the built-in cabinet opening as a pre-vert hole. "Hey, lady. Watcha doin'? Going to the toilet? Yeah, that's nice!"

Aside from the above photos, I will share one thing with you right now, and that is a video of my crazy new shower setup.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Ware is Ang? Tired uv ur crap.

Taken with the camera and flash on my fancy schmancy new Palm Pre. Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I am finally part of the touchscreen smartphone crowd. But I'm still not cool. Dang.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Fucking around, I am not

I can assure you. The tool belt proves it, and the tool wearing the belt lives it.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Somebody really loves sour cream

Mmmmm... This sour cream is fucking delicious. Oh crap. I better get going or I will miss the bus and be late for work again. But I am enjoying this sour cream far too much to walk away from it. Hey! I can bring it with and continue to eat on the way to the bus stop... Ok that is the last of the sour cream. I really don't want to bring this on the bus so I think I'll just set it and the spoon right here in front of the empty business next door to The Strip Club.

Lonely sour cream with spoon

Sunday, March 15, 2009

This magazine is relevant to my interests

I'm not sure how I ended up with a subscription to Working Mother magazine. Perhaps I missed a checkbox when signing up for an email list or contest. Or maybe one of my friends is playing a joke on me. Either way, let it be known that the only working mothers I'm interested in reading about are lonely MILFs who order pizza so they can proposition the delivery guy and get pounded with a greasy length of hot italian sausage. He ruins her upholstery and her pizza with a rail gun-velocity beam of Campell's Chunky Clam Chowder, gets pissed when she doesn't tip, and wipes his dick off on her yipping Welsh Springer on the way out. Replace "reading about" with "delivering pizza to," and that about sums it up.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Introducing Regular Jeremy

Regular as in the original, old style Jeremy sans beard. Regular Jeremy loves you very much and is leaving a healthy surprise on your carpet as we speak.

Introducing Shitty Wolverine

Shitty Wolverine grew a beard as long as your pathetic dick, only thicker. His bones were coated with liquefied Funyuns in a horrificly torturous military experiment gone awry. Shitty Wolverine's powers include being able to heal from injury (at a normal pace like all humans), snatching your momma's knickers, and going to the bathroom a lot.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Introducing Aidan Whitman

Aidan Halston Whitman was a world champion alley boxer in 1880s Boston. Born in Ireland in 1862, Whitman began alley boxing in his formative and scrapped his way through the ranks to become the world champion by the time he was 25.

Simple beginnings

Aidan Whitman was born to a seamstress, Mary, and patty melt architect, Shamus, in the very wind-swept clover field in which he was conceived. In 1867, Ireland's economy was crippled by a cheese famine, collapsing the patty melt industry. Shamus packed up the family and headed to America where he found work as a President of the United States. Five-year old Aidan brought in extra money by tenderizing giraffe meat for hot dogs, also known as "Nathan Hale Dogs."

Rise to glory

Young Aidan's meat tenderizing skills caught the attention of a coworker, an avid alley boxing enthusiast. He invited Whitman to join him in a match. Whitman learned quickly and rose through the alley boxing ranks, beating one unfortunate drunk after another in alleys, and robbing them of their money and valuables, and leaving them to bleed copiously from turned-in noses and scalp lacerations. Just 10 years later, Aidan Whitman was declared the world champion of alley boxing, was captured and arrested by police. He was convicted on dozens of counts of robbery by thugocity and unlawful fisticuffery. He died in prison at age 29 of the walking clap.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Introducing Jacques-Yves Barbe-Menton

Jacques-Yves Barbe-Menton, a native of Quebec, spent most of his adult life illegally logging utility poles and bridge supports and selling them to Post-It mills in Newfoundland. Jacques-Yves, who goes by Jacques, once reduced a railroad bridge to kindling using only his trusty ax and his 20 foot tall purple yak named Tits. In addition to harvesting the bridge itself, Jacques waited for the next train, and watched it crash into the ravine below. He loaded up Tits the purple yak with thousands of tons of steel and iron, and sold the metal at a scrap yard for a tidy sum.

When utility poles and bridges ran thin for the season, Jacques was known to chase beaver. While many chasers would normally sell the pelt, once Jacques caught it, he took it to his cabin in the woods, pounded it into submission, then kicked it out of his house. He kept the pelt to clean the mess off of the hardwood.

In the winter of 2003, one of the beavers did not want to be caught and hit Jacques over the head with a snow shovel, knocking him forever cross-eyed. No longer able to see straight enough to skillfully swing an ax, Jacques sold Tits to a glue factory, bought a seeing eye marmot, and now travels Canada entering quick draw shooting shows and artisan chocolate competitions, sometimes tragically confusing the two.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Cando High School Class of 1994

Yep, that's the entire graduating class of Cando, North Dakota in 1994. All 23 of us. That chubby, bespectacled fellow in the back, second in from the left, is yours truly. Time has been kind to me. Suck my dick, universe!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Daddy long beard

Daddy long beard.I mentioned my fabulously shaggy beard a few days ago. Here it is in all of its winter glory. I plan on keeping it growing until March. At that time I will continue my tradition of shaving it off day
by day, each day sporting a new wacky facial hair style. I am thinking mustache wax will be involved this year.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The abuses you have suffered

Arrested Ernie as part of a growing collage of crap.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

My Halloween costume

While we did go see Night of the Living Dead at the Parkway Theater in south Minneapolis, we did not dress as zombies. Although that certainly would have been easy to do since we still had leftover makeup from Zombie Pub Crawl IV (incidentally, check out Chuck's ZPC video on The Uptake, featuring a very familiar zombie couple). Instead, I was a disheveled strip club patron who had been awake for three days on a coke bender.