Showing posts with label online life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label online life. Show all posts

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Scammin' the scammers, part doo doo warhead

It's time again for another chapter in replying from throwaway accounts to spammers, scammers, and all around douchabouts. This beaut came in fresh off the lot tonight:

Hello Dear,

I’m a banker here in UK with a chance for you to earn some money. Are you willing to try? It is clean, but requires a great deal of trust and commitment.If you have never been arrested before over financial crimes, and you are capable of successfully handling financial transaction in excess of 15,000,000, Pounds. Then you are the right person.

I assure you that you will never regret taking part in this venture.

If you are interested, please email me back so that we can go into partnership


Good Morning Darling,

First you please generate pardons to my english not being my mother of Mouth. You message come perfectly timing because I must pay very Bad men or they will pain my trouser. I have been solely arrest one Time but not for money reasons. I open my underwares on park on a hot day and a women have Wrong understanding. But Great fortunate came to me and I given release later on that Day. Bed men not somehting I Wish in speaking you understand. I have Great intereat in partnership. I do hide some Moneys from bad men for investation so sounds good yes! 

Warming regalds,
Mister Simon Monjack

Alsoare you relating to tv mind doctor from funny show?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Please give your couch away with less sarcastic humor, sir!

I just posted my couch in the free section on craigslist, and unsurprisingly started getting responses within a few minutes. I wanted to get it out there, but am extremely busy over the next couple of days, so I indicated that I wouldn't be able to respond to emails or make appointments until Friday.

Free couch (Eagan)

Deep reddish, almost purple-ish in color. Corduroy-type material. About 8 years old. Comes with 4 couch pillows. Does not come with the blue blanket shown in the photo (sorry, it was the best photo I could find at the moment, since the couch temporarily has some stuff stored on it while I rearrange my living room).

I will NOT BE AVAILABLE to respond to any questions about the couch or make arrangements for you to pick up the couch until late afternoon on Friday, January 1st at the earliest. And no, I won't measure the couch, calculate its mass or specific gravity, help you move it, high five you, or even give you some sort of barely perceptible knowing nod. It's a friggin' free couch of average size. Come and get it or don't.

Apparently, one of the numerous responders didn't take kindly to the tone of my ad and decided my ass had to be told.


Well, you know me, I'm never too busy to tell off a humorless cunt, so I replied:

Who would want it from a bitch like me? For starters, the dozen or so people who emailed me within 15 minutes of posting it, people who have a sense of humor and reading comprehension skills. Where did I say I wouldn't email back? I said I wouldn't be available to respond or make appointments until January 1st. Unless, of course, it's to respond to a stupid-ass email like this one.


Fuck off

P.S. Who takes time out of their day to tell someone off for the manner in which they choose to give away a free couch? Jesus Christ, get a fucking life!

UPDATE: For the record, I do admit that my grammatically borderline phrasing could lead to the initial interpretation of "You can't pick it up until January 1st, and I'm not available to respond to emails EVER." But seriously, this chick needs to read between the fucking lines (and turn her caps lock off). I did update the wording, however, to clarify the intended meaning.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Adding value to the conversation

Whenever you have gained too much faith in humanity, you should be required to post an item for sale on craigslist. Here are a couple of exchanges I've had over some stools that I'm selling (stools for sitting, not stools from the toilet). Names changed to undeservedly protect the stupid.

Subject: Stools


Do you still have these?

Please advise.

Subject: Re: Stools

I have someone scheduled to come over to pick them up. If they are a no-show, I'll let you know.


Subject: Re: Stools

Let me know if they don't show



Thank you for rearranging what I just said and repeating it to me. You are moved to the end of the waiting list. Of life.

Subject: Stools

Do you still have these? If so I will take them.



Subject: Re: Stools

Hi, David. They are still available. I have quite a lot going on through the rest of the week, so the earliest I could meet is Saturday. I'm also free all day Sunday.

Subject: Re: Stools

I can try and make that work, unless you have a place that you can leave them and I can just run by and pick them up and leave the cash?



I see absolutely nothing in his proposal that could go wrong or fuck me over in any possible way. Then again, my judgment may be impaired, as I'm struggling to catch up so I can say I smoked as much crack as he did. I'll also leave the front door of my house unlocked with my wallet splayed open on the threshold so you can just slip the cash in. Make change if you need to. I have plenty of small bills. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge and take a hobo bath in my laundry sink while you're at it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Driving a hard bargain on craigslist

I couldn't help replying to this one.

Furniture LOOK!!! - $80 (Saint Paul Highland Park)
Date: 2009-07-26, 11:49AM CDT

Hello world....
Here is a small list of some thing I have for sale:

Oversized wooden framed lazy boy chair .... asking $90.00.... no stain or rips...
REAL leather (not pleather) couch from HOM furniture in 2001 ....asking $150.00 (needs cleaning, but there are no tears)
Matching pair of "kelly green" retro 1970's wool chairs with NO beading ... asking $50.00

Please email with any questions.... I am willing to accept all reasonable offers... as I need my apartment to be cleared out a little.... thanks.

I'll be completely honest. I have absolutely no interest in any of your furniture. But are you going to finish that can of root beer?

Friday, May 01, 2009

An apology to Tim F. (but not to Comcast... yet)

As mentioned in an update to the previous post, Comcast actually did call me to schedule the appointment after reading my blog post. They could not show up during my recommended window ending with "suck my dick pm," but they showed up bright and early, shortly after 8 this morning. Tim, the guy who left the original door tag and note in my mailbox, as well as a followup tag with a tongue-in-cheek note that started "Yes, another blue tag with red arrow...," was one of the guys working on fixing the issue. I felt more than a little sheepish since he and his note got caught up in my carpet bomb of rage that was the previous post. I apologized to him profusely, particularly since I was concerned that he may have got into hot water over the whole thing (he didn't). I explained that it was the customer service rep unceremoniously putting me on hold that set me off. He seemed to have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. I learned that I am quite the talk of the local Comcast office, and that my post directed him to visit Twitter for the first time. And while neither of the guys said it outright, I have a feeling that my account probably now has a note on it labeling me a "sensitive customer." At least that's our code word for assholes where I work.

So Tim, thanks for being a good sport, and thanks for not sticking tiny pins in my cable lines for revenge.


-J. Swiggity Q. Afterglide Gibbens, I

P.S. Don't think this means I'll start thinking before I post. That would ruin the fun.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Blinds without you

Proper case Vertical Blinds for sale. Please ignore the spooky ghost and the dismembered fingers on the table. I only regret not taking more photos of them before we took them down.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Fuck Funai

Normally this is my niche, getting burned by a company and lighting them up in an enraged blog post. Unfortunately, two factors have prevented me from posting anything about this debacle. First, I simply have not had the time to write a blog post to do it justice. Much of my time writing about it has gone into writing complaints to the company and requesting help from various media watchdogs. Second, I will openly admit that this experience has pushed me over the edge from seething anger to an uncharacteristic feeling of helplessness and defeat. With all of the other stresses going on in my life right now, I do not have the emotional energy to expend on this. Which is a shame, because I normally can burn holes through concrete with my rage. Ang, however, summed it all up far better than I currently can.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Jeremy answers search engine queries typed with greasy faces and dry, cracked elbows

It's been many a moon since I've responded to poor, lost searchers of the web whose ham-fisted googling techniques landed them here, where reason, answers, and relevancy have retired, died, and rotted like a squirrel trapped in the attic with Grandma's bathing suit and will to live. So join me now, as I provide answers to the weary and stupid, even if they don't want to hear them.

"hairiest asshole women"

Honestly I couldn't tell you who the hairiest asshole women are, but that asshole soccer mom who drifted into my lane and almost took off my passenger side mirror the other day looked like a Yeti wearing a sweaty Robin Williams shawl.

"mr potato head on my dick"

Your dick specifically? I hate to break it to you pal, but you're not his type. He likes his spuds with a few more ruddy growths than you have.

"why do my dreapes not match the carpet"

Your dreapes do not match the carpet because, while they are made of the same material, they came from two different bolts of fabric, and one got stained with greape juice by an jittery eape. Clean the stained dreapes with Woolite and duct teape.

"fucking during periods time for girls"

Sir, if you are fucking during periods, then you are no fan of girls hockey.

"feels like something is stuck in urethra"

How are you feeling? With your finger? Because that's what stuck in your urethra, your finger. And a Grape Nut.

"afraid young cock"

These are tough times for young cock. Is it any wonder the up and coming generation of cocks are afraid? The economy's in the tank, and the job market for young cocks fresh out of college is dismal at best. But there is hope for afraid young cocks. Turn to Jesus Christ, confess your young cock sins, get married to your cock sweetheart, and exchange cock rings.

"tucking in penis"

When tucking in penis, give it a glass of warm milk. If penis refuses to go to bed, offer to read a chapter from penis's favorite book. Do not waver from the plan. Don't read more than one chapter, or penis will begin to understand that you are willing to let penis break the rules. Penis will push the boundaries further and further, until finally penis will refuse to go to bed at all.

"she shit fast fast no tolite paper"

She didn't just shit fast. She shit fast fast. She shit so fast that she was done before she realized there was no tolite anagram non-word paper. So she had to wipe her ass with a Kit Kat wrapper.

"free dating sit 2008/2009"

I'm a bit concerned about this one, friend. Any sit should be free. You have the right to sit free of charge because this is AMERICA god damn I said! Even a dating-related sit should be free. It's hard to afford your own sit, much less pay for your date's sit, as well. Not just in 2008 and 2009, but always was and always will be. FOREVER! ...Wait. That's not what you're talking about, is it? Oh, I get it. Sit like sit on your face. Well, shit dude, you're going to have to pay for her to do that on the first date.

"my vagin real vedio while the penis enter"

I'm not following. You want to videotape a vagina and wait for the penis to enter the room? Then what? Scripts aren't just about setup, pal. You need some conflicts, an ending, and dénouement. And just throwing it out there, but what if the penis enters the vagina repeatedly? That might make for some pretty compelling video. It might even accepted for posting by the internet.

"penis smells like baked beans"

Tell your wife to stop opening all of the canned goods and storing the contents in her lady void. And take a bar of soap to that thing now and again, will you?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Drinking at the Department of Public Safety

I started using a few months ago as a centralized way to view my finances. Mint can retrieve your balances for bank accounts, mortgages, credit cards, retirement accounts, student loans, PayPal, etc. You can even add assets like your home and car, giving you a bird's eye view of your broadly estimated net worth. Mint also stripes all of your financial transactions into a single timeline and allows you to generate reports on your spending habits. This really became useful last year when I was dead set on curbing my spending habits. It sickened me to see in black and white the amount of money I was spending eating and drinking out each month, for example.

One of Mint's annoying quirks is how it attempts to automatically categorize each transaction. 95% of the time it nails it. Eating at McDonald's gets categorized as "Fast Food," getting an oil change at Valvoline is categorized as "Auto parts and service," etc. However, sometimes it picks up only part of the transaction name and blatantly ignores the rest. I paid with my Visa for dinner at El Toro in Apple Valley a couple of weeks ago, and it picked it up as "Apple" and categorized it as "Electronics and Software." Uh, yeah. Fortunately, however, Mint lets you change categories yourself and gives you the option to apply a permanent filter for transactions with that name (i.e. always categorize transactions named "blah" as "Shopping").

This one really puzzled me though.

Paying for your auto registration and being charged by the Department of Public Safety = Boozing apparently. I have no idea what algorithm Mint uses to auto-categorize, but I assure you that if I spend $99 in one shot on booze, I'm either about to throw a party for a few dozen people at home, or I just won a scratch-off and am buying rounds of drinks at the bar.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Yvette makes my morning

Crank up your speakers, get your clickin' finger ready, and put on a pair of laser-proof sunglasses.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Jeremy haggles on a craigslist couch

I'll give you five bucks, and I'll punch you in the face instead of the nuts.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Free eats

Eh, why bother to blur the email on this one. You know you want some free craigslist beef heart and tongue from Chanhassen. I'd prefer giraffe penis from Eden Prairie, but you play the cards you're dealt. I wonder how long it's been sitting behind the furnace.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Free to a good, warm, moist, bloody home

Tampons. Free for the taking courtesy craigslist. Only two missing. Will put the used ones back upon request. Decided she's better off using rolled up Brawny.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

No fussin' with my tussin

This craigslist ad seems totally legit. Because if I want to buy over the counter medicine, I'm going to do it through a craigslist ad posted by some green teabag in West Bloomington. And you know that there is no possible way this is homemade Robitussin, filled with lime Jello and rat poison. It'll calm your coughing by making you bleed to death from your cuticles.

And this other ad for boxes of Just For Men by the dozen, seemingly from the same character in West Bloomington, made us suspicious that maybe he had walked into into a Walgreens and filled his denim duster with cough syrup, hair dye, and unlubed condoms while his partner distracted the clerk with a fake heart attack. Something tells me you'd open up these boxes to find a bottle full of squeezings from brown Crayola markers. Dyes your hair and your glitter-glued construction paper in one shot.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

St Paul Snow Emergency Website Fail

Compare the snow emergency email sent out over an hour ago (top) to the screen shot of the website just a couple of moments ago (bottom). Maybe if you take away methods of notification, you should make sure the methods that remain actually work correctly and are updated in a timely manner.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Old coot sez you can't look at this webpage, son

You're under 60, and it's before 5 pm, punk. If you want that Grand Slam plate, you'll mind your manners and come back in an hour and 30 years.

Found by my coworker Jeff at

Friday, December 05, 2008

Atone for your shitheadedness

Listen here, you ungrateful shit tarts. I write my ass off -- you sit there and read and read and read, and what do you do? Not a god damn thing. You loll about on your cum-stained mattress pads bought from gang bang fire sales, eat frosting from the can with your fingers, and wet yourself to save a trip to the can. Look at your ass. It has a fucking horizon. Get off of it, find your computer under that pile of Chipotle foil and empty Ziploc bags of weed, and buy me shit. Don't check your email. Don't update your Facebook status. And if you stop to make an online donation to a charitable organization, I swear to Cthulhu, I will come over there and beat you to death with your mother's spine. Just fucking buy me shit!

Fucking with con artists

I honestly hope my reply will open up a dialogue with this guy. I replied from a throwaway account and identified myself as Jason.

Good day,

I am Mr. Ming Yang, Director of Operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd, Sai Wan Ho Branch, Hong Kong. I have an obscured business suggestion for you, please contact please contact me for further details on my Email

Kind Regards,
Mr Ming Yang

Mr Dong I hope you sorry my English it is not my top tongue. I am a man having business and seek to engage in positive money dollar ventures. I am unaware of how you seek my acquaintances (perhaps you see me on the Facepages?). Please reveal your obscured business suggestion. Though I must ask why it is that your suggestion is obscured. Perhaps it is the eclipse or tall of bush. Yes, I would also like further details on your Email Address. Did you select it of your own accord?

Thanking in advice for your kindness of finger,


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The robber had an impossibly long neck

What the hell? Is this fucking mannequin/chick thing's neck made of a shaved gorilla arm? Maybe she's getting ready to rob the cantina on Mos Eisley at gunpoint.

Original ad here.