In West Virginia, Jose Cruz was arrested on suspicion of driving while intoxicated. While being fingerprinted, Mr. Cruz farted loudly and malodorously on arresting patrolman Parsons, then continued to wave farty air toward Patrolman Parsons. Mr. Cruz, while Ang, who was the first to send me this link earlier today, may think that you are my hero, I think you are a classless horse clump. Farting on an officer of the law, or anyone else just trying to do their job, is no laughing matter. Farting is an act of intimate rage or insult that is only for younger brothers watching cartoons or for hapless wives and girlfriends with heads lodged under heavy quilted blankets. If you're going to fart on someone, fart on the right person for the right reason. Don't fart lightly.

Today, the Pioneer Press asked "When is it time to leave kids home alone?." I have several answers.

• Once they learn how to use the can opener.
• Once they are too big to crawl into the microwave anymore.
• When you've run out of vodka and need to run to the liquor store to ask if they know of any house parties where you can score some free booze.
• At least three hours before the departure time printed on your plane ticket to Cancun.
• When they tell you they're hungry, because that reminds you it's been awhile since you've had a quiet roast beef alone at Arby's.
• When you sign the closing papers on the new house.
• Kids? Oh, shit! We left that at home alone!
  

CHICAGO - A main who claims that undercooked salmon gave him a 9-foot tapeworm is suing the restaurant that served it to him. Anthony Franz says he fell ill after eating at Shaw's Crab House in 2006. He later uncoiled the disappointed parasite in a fit of agonized, ocular capillary-busting labor.

Franz is seeking $100,000 in his lawsuit, which includes having to replace all of his trousers and dress shirts after losing 15 pounds. However, this is the precise reason Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises, owner of Shaw's in addition to Big Bowl, Unflavored Rice Emporium, and Pier One Wicker Won Tons, is seeking to have the lawsuit dismissed. Lettuce Entertain You's lawyer said, "Check this dude out, man! He's looking lean and tender. Plus he shat a NINE FOOT TAPEWORM! I wonder what that felt like. Probably like shitting pretty lace ribbon. I've always wanted to try that, shitting a ribbon. I'll bet that feels pretty good. Not like the time I shit a dry kickball. Try as I might, I just couldn't get that thing to deflate."

Click for full image.

When a Lakeville man awoke to find cops with flashlights in his bedroom, he was all "What the fuck, man?" Then the cops were like, "Your fucking garage door is open, your front door is unlocked and open (just a few feet from where your kid is having a sleepover), your keys are in the ignition of your pickup outside, and WE were like 'What the fuck, man?'"

First, lock up your house with your kids inside, for crying out loud. Garage door open, house door open (or at least unlocked, depending on whether you believe the cops' reason for entering the house), keys in your truck. Dude, you aren't living in friggin' Mayberry! Just a month ago, a guy just a few miles away in Burnsville left his garage door open and his house door unlocked, and got stabbed and left for dead as the assailants set his house on fire and stole his car. Luckily he managed to survive.

Now should the cops have gone up to Dad's bedroom after already speaking with the kids? For as irresponsible as dear Dad was, the cops may indeed have gone a bit too far. Maybe they sincerely had the best interest of everyone in mind, or maybe they were completely exasperated at the carelessness of this dude and wanted to scare the shit out of him to teach him a lesson. More than likely, I'd guess it's a mixture of the two.

Either way, Dad's lucky he didn't wake up to find either one of these cops standing over him:

But it doesn't change the fact that I'm going to Hell.

Original story.

Occupants of the international space station will finally be able to unclench, as the space shuttle delivered a new pump to fix the onboard toilet, which broke down two weeks ago. Most of the astronauts had been pooping into trash bags, then leaving them in the airlock to be sucked into the vacuum of space. However, once neighbor space stations complained of the constant soft thud of bag after bag of ass-tro-feces colliding with their hulls the astronauts decided to stow the bags in the linen closet with the Egyptian cotton hand towels and extra cucumber melon hand soap from Bath & Body Works. As the plumbing breakdown stretched into week two, the astronauts had run out of trash bags and had begun uncoiling oven fresh fudge puppies into resealable freezer bags, sandwich bags, and eventually into their unoccupied space suits. The replacement pump arrived just in time, as they were down to about a helmet's worth of space in one of the suits. One more meal of powdery refried beans from a toothpaste tube, and all hell would have broken loose. It is known from extensive NASA experiments in the 1980s that astronaut poop floating loose in the living quarters can work its way into delicate electrical and computer equipment, causing shorts and sparks that can cause a fire or even damage life support systems. And there aren't many worse ways to go than asphyxiating in a low-oxygen, high-poop atmosphere.

Related Stories:
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First suburban Pittsburgh residents Aaron and Christine Boring sued Google for using photos of their home in Street View. Then their neighbors Janet and George McKee learned that Google's photo snapping Street View vehicle drove all the way up their driveway, practically snapping photos from their front yard. Now another neighbor, James Hawburn, has come forward after he learned that as he slept soundly in his home, Google's mapping van drove onto his private property, up his driveway, through his front door, into his master bedroom, and all the way up his ass. Hawburn has no plans to sue Google, as he says the photos showed a suspicious polyp that his doctor will be scrutinizing carefully. "Google's photo mapping of my asshole may very well have saved my life," said Hawburn.

What sluttier than fucking a governor for money? Well, nothing if you're counting individual acts, but throw in spending a week on the Girls Gone Wild bus with the world's sleaziest douchebag, aka Joe Francis, and that ups the slut-o-meter by a good 33%. In 2003, Ashley Alexandria Dupre was in Miami to celebrate her 18th birthday. After getting jackbooted from her hotel (I'll bet it was for doing something slutty), Dupre ended up on the GGW bus and stayed there for a week. Most girls just show up and quickly flash their tits or lick some 'tang for an hour or two and that's that. But Ashley's a special breed of slut. She stayed on the bus for a week, making full-length videos. Nudity! Check. Lezzing out with chicks (as opposed to lezzing out with guys??)! Check! "Get on the slut bus... don't need to discuss muuuuuch! Cover this chick in pee, and set yourself free." For her efforts, she got some dollar dollar bill, ya'll. And a bus ticket home. Now, her million dollar money hole will be shown to the world without her getting further compensation. Sounds like the video will be on the GGW websites soon. Yours for the viewing if you've got $30 in the couch cushions. Hmm... I like nude chicks, but I don't like paying for them. Or even for videos of them.

I'll just wait until someone rips it and puts it out in a BitTorrent file.

Today's discussion on MNspeak turned to a news story about the man who slipped into the Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management office in St Paul through an unlocked door. Now I know what you're thinking, how very ironic that a man would find an unlocked door to get into the fucking Minnesota Homeland SECURITY office, but tut tut tut my pet. Quiet your mind for a second and prepare for the best part of this story. The man didn't steal office equipment. He didn't steal vital files. He just took a dump. Or rather, several dumps in multiple rooms. On the floor. Yes, he pooped on the floor, friends.


In this dramatized surveillance video screen capture, the Mad Shitter lays down some grease in the lobby.

And I know what you're thinking now. "That's rather curious, Jeremy. Doesn't Ang live in St Paul near downtown?" Now wait just a minute here! I talk the talk, but I do not rock my deuces onto the floor. I've said it a thousand times, but I'll lay it out for you again. I love to talk about poop, but I do not like to:

- Look at it
- Smell it
- Touch it
- Taste it
- Think about it

Poop is funny in theory, not in practice. And in this case, it happened somewhere else, so to me, it's theory. You hear me? I DID NOT SHIT ON THE FLOOR IN THAT BUILDING!!!

*knock on the door*

Police officer: Are you Jeremy Q. Afterglide?

JQA: Yes, can I help you?

PO: Mr Afterglide, a man was caught on security tapes defecating on the floor of a state office building in St Paul. We had several hundred calls indicating that you might know something about that.

JQA: What? Me?

PO: We're well aware of your history of fascination with poop, pooping on things, pooping on people, pooping in their food, creating artwork with poop, pooping underwa--

JQA: Ok, ok. I get the picture. I absolutely didn't do it though.

PO: Ok then where were you on Sunday afternoon at 1:30 pm?

JQA: I was at my girlfriend's place. Let's see... around that time I either would have been working on a project for my job or playing a video game, Mario Party 8 on the Wii to be exact. I don't remember when I started playing the game.

PO: I see. Can your girlfriend vouch for that?

JQA: Well, she left around 12:30 or so to go shopping with some of her friends.

PO: And how long was she gone?

JQA: It was between 7 and 7:30 that night.

PO: That's unfortunate for you, sir. Did you poop during that time?

JQA: I sure did. Boy, did I ever!

PO: At the offices of the Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management?

JQA: Hey! No way, man! I told you, I was at my girlfriend's place.

PO: So you pooped on the floor at your girlfriend's place. Was she upset?

JQA: No, I--where are you getting this. No, I did not and never have pooped in that building, even in the toilet.

PO: So you pooped on the floor where we found it.

JQA: [exasperated sigh] Look, I know what you're trying to do. I watch Law & Order. You're trying to trip me up, get me all mixed up so you can catch me in a lie. Well, I'm not lying. I am an honest, tax paying, legal shitter. I shit where I'm allowed. I always flush, and if plug the toilet, I unplug it myself or ask for help.

PO: Help?

JQA: Sometimes there's not a plunger, and you need someone to bring you one. Or a coat hanger or Liquid Drano or something.

PO: That's fine, Mr Afterglide. Just one more question, sir. Did you pay someone to poop on that floor?

JQA: I'm sorry, but I don't like where this is going. If you want to ask more questions, you'll have to talk to my lawyer.

After soon-to-be-former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer was outed as a whoremonger and adulterer, we learned that he had dropped about $4,000 on one night with "Kristen" and had spent about $80,000 total with her high-falutin' escort service. I fired up my trusty UNIVAC, crunched the numbers, and calculated that to be 20 rolls in the clover. Now media outlets are reporting that he used the service 8 times. That is TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS per whore. Or if you will, 10,000 bones per bone.

Of more prurient interest, the identity of "Kristen" has been revealed as 22 year old scrumptious strumpet Ashley Alexandra Dupré. I won't bother to post the photos of Miss Dupré, as they're plastered across the 'net as copiously as the terminal velocity semen streams nearing countless screens of pervs jerking off to her MySpace profile. But in my humble estimation, she is not worth $10,000 to fuck just once. A thousand dollars, maybe two at best.

Perhaps Governor Spitzer was wet behind the ears when it comes to the economics of being a "hobbyist" (a john). As someone who has a real life hooker as a friend, I could have apprised him of the going rates for rented poon. That is why I have written a comprehensive guide to fair market values of prostitutes called The Afterglide Encyclopædia Vaginæ (gratuitous graphemes added for the appearance of class and authority) .

Excerpt from page 43 of The Afterglide Encyclopædia Vaginæ:

"Though it is considered to be in extremely poor taste, requesting a thorough gynocological exam of a lady of the evening is not against the hooking code. Much as one might have a used automobile inspected by a mechanic prior to purchase, a hobbyist may commit to the transaction strictly contingent upon the results of inspection. The hobbyist may insist upon the services of an inspector with whom he is familiar, however said inspector must be a licensed and reputable OB/GYN. The hobbyist may not just have 'some guy' pry the escort's money hole open with a speculum, at least not without paying her an 'Eiffel Tower' fee."

The Afterglide Encyclopædia Vaginæ is now available on Amazon for a mere $14.95 (cash only, to be placed in an envelope on the dresser prior to the transaction).

Poor Eliot Spitzer. All he wanted was to vacuum pack some tight hooker snatch. At first, it sounded like it may have been a one-time thing. Four grand on one night with a prostitute named Kristen. And for $4,000, I'm assuming Kristen is a piping hot stack of ass -- at least she damn well better be. Now more light has been shed on Spitzer's pay-for-play loin shanking, and we come to find that he may have spent up to $80,000 on call girls. Let's break that down: $80,000 at $4,000 per hook comes to 20 lays. Twenty? TWENTY? Motherfucker, I could have gotten you 20 fucks for $6k here in Minneapolis. And if you don't care what the chick looks like or how loose her labes are, $400 for 20 bangs for you and a half dozen of your advisers. Plus $4,000 pussy is never just $4,000 pussy. Toss in separate $1000 per night hotel rooms, and now it's $6,000. So really this dude spent $120,000 on getting his shaft greased. $120,000!!! That's a fucking mortgage. You mortgaged pussy. Next thing you know, you'll have to form a neighborhood association and pay monthly dues. Sure, some of your dues will go toward utilities, but the rest only covers common areas. If something inside gets fucked up, you're paying for that out of your own pocket. And do you really want to pay out of pocket for an ovary repair?

March 13, 2008 update: See my followup commentary.

On the heels of Toshiba's decision to pull the plug on HD DVD, Afterglide Media Thingy, LLC (AMTLLC) has announced that they will now distribute their short films exclusively on Blu-ray. "That's right, bitches! We knew Blu-ray would win this thing all along," said AMTLLC spokesperson Jessica Labestein while surreptitiously sliding a large pile of HD DVD copies of Pee Problem behind a curtain. "So all you Blu-ray haters can suck it sideways."

Labestein also announced that AMTLLC has declared bankruptcy and will be liquidating its assets, including a half-million HD DVD players and several thousand shares of stock in Toshiba for "fifty bucks OBO."

By Darren Halling

After a long battle between multiple platforms for human life, experts have declared adults the winners. "Just throw away your babies now," says Sony VP Chad Lehtman. "They're obsolete." Lehtman then corrected himself, adding that the babies should actually be recycled instead of thrown away outright. For millenia, humans have furrowed their brows, deciphering reams of documentation and technobabble trying to figure out which format is best for them. Babies were long thought to be the superior technology, being more compact and easier to transport, but as society moved forward, babies stayed the same. Consumers eventually realized that babies might have some benefits on the front side, but they are black hole for consumables. Babies are inexpensive to produce, but like cheap printers have expensive ink cartridges, cheap babies have expensive -- well, everything.

For the month of January, 2008 sales of babies were down nearly 90% compared to January, 2007. Large manufacturers like Sony, Samsung, and Toshiba have taken heed and started mail-in recycling programs to make it easier to dispose of unwanted babies. It is predicted that in February alone, nearly 15,000 babies will be recycled into products like Hot Yoga Instructor and Friendly Hotel Doorman.

Darren Halling is a Minneapolis-based freelance writer and is not an employee of afterglide.com because he used all of the office toilet paper and didn't tell anyone until it was too late.

Topher Grace, who was nominated for several Teen Choice Awards for his role as Eric Foreman on the FOX sitcom That '70s Show, was found alive today in his Los Angeles home. As Grace was forcibly removed from his residence by concerned authorities, a crowd of curious onlookers and paparazzi gathered outside. A Los Angeles Police Department spokesman said, "We were are surprised as you are that he is still alive. No one had heard from him since the premiere of Spider-Man 3 in 2007. Wow, that thing was stunningly bad. Just pure crap."

Police do not know at this time what Grace has been up to these last few months, but pizza boxes and a bottle of ibuprofen were found next to his bed. An assessment will be performed on Wednesday to determine whether or not his career can be revived. Topher Grace is 29.

Hey, y'all! I have this dump truck on my property, but I'm not sure what I should do with it. Fix it up? Put it on craigslist? Tear it down for parts? Pay to have it hauled to the scrap yard? Fuck that, that, that, and especially fuck THAT! I'm going to order some explosives through the mail and videotape myself BLOWING THAT FUCKER UP TO KINGDOM COME! YEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWW!!!!! The boys at the nuclear power plant a mile down the road will get a charge out of that. They seem like nervous fellers who could use a punch of sunshine to the pills.

"Screw my frostbitten baby -- feel sorry for ME!"
Image: KARE 11When committing an act of child neglect -- strike that, child abuse -- so egregious, outrageous, and absurd that it is picked up not only by local media but national news wires, as well, the best thing you could do for yourself is go on television and give a half-assed excuse in a vain attempt to garner the sympathy of the public. Last week, David Mantor of Maplewood did just that when he agreed to an ill-advised interview with Jana Shortal from KARE 11 news. Mantor had been arrested on Wednesday after driving to a strip club, going inside for a few drinks and leaving his 18-month old son alone in an unheated van in the dead of winter.

Mantor claims that he had gone for a drive, trying to calm himself during a time of stress, and happened across this bar, which conveniently housed strippers, at about 10:30 pm.

"Stress got to me after a while. I thought maybe just to calm down I'd have a couple drinks and then leave quick before he woke up and everything would be fine," Mantor said.

Let's break this down. He felt stressed out. Hey, everybody's been there. Bills are piling up, you're worried about losing your job, or perhaps you're having a spat with your wife. You need some quiet time to think and cool off because you're tense as all hell. What better way to calm yourself than to bundle up your 18-month old child, who should have been in bed several hours ago, strap him into your van, and go for a drive.

Perhaps we're still not giving Mr. Mantor the sufficient benefit of the doubt. Who hasn't heard of a fussy, wailing child who refuses to go to sleep or can't fall back to sleep after awaking from a nightmare? It seems perfectly reasonable, even at that late hour, to put him in the car seat and go for a soothing little drive around the block, where "around the block" is about 15 miles, crossing a state border.

Again, maybe we're drawing hasty conclusions. A 15 mile, 20 minute drive isn't all that far. One could certainly see a 30 or even 40 minute drive to soothe the child (and himself). But won't this damn crying kid shut up already? Boy, this sure is adding to the stress. I'm going to just pull in over here for a couple of drinks. It will calm me down. It will be perfectly safe to leave my 18-month old child alone in the vehicle, despite countless news reports of vehicles being stolen with a child inside while the parent just ran into a convenience store for milk or to pay for gas. Despite countless news reports of children dying after being forgotten in vehicles on a hot summer day or sub-zero winter evening.

Oh, but somebody found him first. Or "unfortunately" somebody found him first, as he phrased it. Unfortunately they found him before he'd been in the car for another hour and had to have a frostbitten hand and foot amputated? Unfortunately someone else found him before he died of hypothermia out there? Unfortunately someone found him before you came out of the bar, drunk off your fucking ass, got behind the wheel, and drove your child laden van into a telephone pole at 80 miles per hour???

But hey, I'm an alcoholic. I had a relapse. I did something stupid. Feel sorry for me.

Boo fucking hoo, Mr Mantor. You put a child into your vehicle late at night, supposedly under significant stress, and ended up drinking at a strip club 15 miles away while your son got frostbite outside. Alcoholism is a disease that can be treated. Stupidity is not.

A child model recreates Georges Seurat's Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte as the 2000W bulb slowly roasts his tender flesh.There is no shortage of high-falutin' gee whiz electronic googaws here at CES, but it seems like and overwhelming amount of floor space is devoted to home entertainment and communication -- televisions, audio components, mobile phones and accessories, etc. That's why yesterday it was so refreshing to stop by Hasbro's booth and see a re-imagining of an old friend. That's right -- Lite Brite is back, and this time it's in high definition. Hasbro's literature says the new model will be full 1080p resolution, or 1920 x 1080 pixels. Though I surmise they are still tweaking the hardware, as the sample model on display appeared to have a 4:3 aspect ratio rather than the 16:9 ratio a 1080p display device would have.


Lite Brite HD pegs shown next to quarter for scale.The new Lite Brite HD isn't all sunshine and lollipops, however. The rumor swirling around the show was that the child model hired to play with the beta unit was rushed to the hospital after he swallowed a handful of the nearly microscopic, needle-like pegs required for high resolution images. In the emergency room, it was also discovered that he had suffered third degree burns from the Lite Brite HD's 2000 watt lamp. You'd think they would have used cooler, more energy efficient LED bulbs. But this is CES, where the illusion of a finished product is crucial to capturing the attention of the press.

More CES 2008 coverage here.