Todd "Pubes" McCafferin is a notorious penis waver born November 11th, 1967 in Toronto, Ontario. Todd's parents divorced in 1973 after his mother Gina caught his father Caleb giving taint massages to young boys in their home in full view of a young and very impressionable Todd. Gina gained full custody of Todd, and they moved to Duluth, Minnesota in 1974, where she took a job as the town bicycle. They both became United States citizens in 1979, just days after Todd's 12th birthday.

Young Todd's first brush with the law came in the summer of 1980 when he was arrested for painting a smiley face on his buttocks and mooned a group of preschool aged boys. At the time, this seemed like the innocent hijinx of a rebellious preteen boy, but it was a subtle hint of disturbing sexual depravity.

In 1982, a seemingly enterprising 14 year old McCafferin made a considerable amount of money selling cheap plastic dolls wearing intricate, hand-woven sweaters to young girls at an elementary school. A local newspaper reporter somehow caught wind that the dolls' sweaters were made from Todd's pubic hair. Todd was arrested, and the reporter dubbed him "Pubes" McCafferin in daily headlines. Other media outlets took hold of this nickname, and it hangs over him to this day.

Pubes spent most of the 80's and 90's in and out of jail for various misdemeanors such as indecent exposure, pooping in public fountains, and drawing wangs on paintings in libraries and museums. He always managed to have the charges dropped or reduced, and remained under the radar and off of any sex offender registries. That is until an incident that occurred in the winter of 1997. McCafferin was caught red-handed waving his penis "hello" to a basket full of playful kittens. He was arrested for cordial but indecent bestial waving of the man junk. He was soon released on $50,000 bond and disappeared less than a week later. The bail bondsman who lent him the money issued a reward for his capture.

In stepped bounty hunter Travis "Shank" Eastlin. Eastlin tracked McCafferin down to Mexico City but was himself arrested by Mexican authorities for illegally acting as a bounty hunter without proper permission. McCafferin disappeared further underground and was not heard from for years.

In August, 2006, Todd resurfaced when the popular Dateline NBC investigative series To Catch a Predator was filming in Fortson, Georgia. The following is a partial transcript of an actual online chat that McCafferin had with a Perverted Justice volunteer posing as a 17 year old boy going by TautYoungOCFan. McCafferin called himself MustachioedGreeting1967.

MustachioedGreeting1967: What u look like?
TautYoungOCFan: Im 5'10", 160 lbs, good mussels lol
MustachioedGreeting1967: That sounds nice. U like older guyz? 8-D
TautYoungOCFan: Sometimes. Depends.
MustachioedGreeting1967: On what?
TautYoungOCFan: On what they want to do and stuff. ;-)
MustachioedGreeting1967: I wanna wave at u. 8-D
TautYoungOCFan: Um...ok. Not sure what u mean?
MustachioedGreeting1967: I wanna wave it at u. Just hello. Nothing sexul.
TautYoungOCFan: Still not sure I follow.
MustachioedGreeting1967: I wanna wave my man part hello at u.
TautYoungOCFan: Wow...I really am not understanding where ur going with this.
MustachioedGreeting1967: I want 2 take out my penis from my pants and wave it at u. Just a friendly hello!
TautYoungOCFan: That's not sexual?
MustachioedGreeting1967: no no no!!!!
MustachioedGreeting1967: Not at all!!!
MustachioedGreeting1967: Just hello.
TautYoungOCFan: Just hello?
MustachioedGreeting1967: Just hello. Very friendly. Like hi! How you doin?
TautYoungOCFan: Uh...yeah...that sounds great I guess. So would u b hard?
MustachioedGreeting1967: Oh gosh no! That's sick. Why would u say that?
TautYoungOCFan: Well I thought u wanted me to do stuff to it. MustachioedGreeting1967: no u r gross! Well u can wave back if u want. Maybe shout howdy at it.
TautYoungOCFan: u mean suck it?
MustachioedGreeting1967: ur sick. Im leaving.
TautYoungOCFan: no dont go! Im sorry...u can wave hello. its cool.
MustachioedGreeting1967: Awsumz! Where do u live?
TautYoungOCFan: [address removed from transcript]
MustachioedGreeting1967: Super. Get ready for a very friendly greeting cowboy!!!
TautYoungOCFan: Sounds great. How bout 3? My parents r out of town until Sunday. Ill leave the front door open.
MustachioedGreeting1967: I cant wait. Im practicing my wave right now.
TautYoungOCFan: Thats...great. See you at 3.
MustachioedGreeting1967: 3 it is!

Later that day McCafferin showed up in the house rigged with hidden cameras by Dateline NBC. Footage shows him walking directly in the door, disrobing, smiling, and waving his penis at a Hummel figurine, muttering "Practice makes perfect." Correspondent Chris Hansen then walks into the room, confronting the very nonchalant, nude man, who proceeds to vigorously flap his penis up and down while sequentially shouting "hello" in 7 different languages. Police swarm in, take him into custody, but not before he can wave hello at each of them individually. He is beaten senseless, and the footage ends.

McCafferin is currently in a Georgia jail awaiting trial on charges of lewd public behavior. Georgia is still weighing whether to extradite him to Minnesota to face the kitten waving charge. He is not expected to last much longer in jail anyway.

Rock Stiffhard mid-moneyshot in Teat Seeking Missiles 15 courtesy Tension Rod StudiosRock Stiffhard was born Jason Fitterer in Langdon, North Dakota on July 16, 1982. In 2003, Fitterer dropped out of college and moved to Los Angeles to become a performer in adult films. After picking his stage name, Stiffhard soon found that his dreams were further from reach than he had initially thought. He landed role after role in big budget Hollywood films, including The Aviator, Dodgeball, and Oceans Twelve, but no porn. Finally after landing a $20 million starring role opposite Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible III, Rock walked away from the deal and the business in disgust.

Working for a catering company in the summer of 2005, Rock was sent on a delivery run that would change his life. He had just dropped off a 10 foot hoagie on the set of Sphincter Invaders 12 when the director offered him a role as a pizza repair man. Since that day, Stiffhard has lived the dream. He gets paid $300 per scene. In 18 months, he has appeared in over 66,000 scenes and has made $20.0003 million.

Evil Jeremy is 30 years old, grew up New York City, and later moved to rural Indiana to take up farming. Evil Jeremy does not swear, goes to church every Sunday, and does not hang out with prostitutes. He cringes at the mention of poop and does not have a blog.

Travis "Shank" Eastlin is a bounty hunter based out of Lake Fork, Idaho. He traveled the nation in search of bail jumping scum from rapists and murderers to check forgers and public penis wavers. Eastlin first came into the public eye in the late 90's when he himself escaped from the Mexican prison where he was serving time for attempting to apprehend escaped American penis waver Todd "Pubes" McCafferin without proper permission from Mexican authorities. Eastlin managed to make his way back over the border, and American officials refused to extradite him, infuriating the president of Mexico, Jerry Garcia.

Amidst the media frenzy over Eastlin's run for the border, he was offered his own television show on Fox News called "Hannity & Colmes." Fox News later realized it already had a show by that name and that Travis would be a piss poor news commentator given that he never graduated from high school or learned to speak without dribbling chewing tobacco all over his ever-sleeveless shirt. The Discovery Channel then stepped in and offered him a reality program called "Shank the Bounty Hunter" along with a small percentage of the licensing fees. The show lasted 4 episodes in 2004 and ended after producers realized that Shank is more aptly described as a serial killer who kills and dismembers bail jumpers than as an actual bounty hunter.

Travis Eastlin was born May 15th, 1978 in Lake Fork, Idaho. He was married to Jessica Ralls-Hoffert until 2003 when he stabbed her to death for jumping bail on an outstanding penis waving warrant. He currently resides in the Mt. Olive Correctional Complex in Fayette County, West Virginia. He enjoys prison rape (giving and receiving), learning about Jesus, and leather work.

Dr Mason Chappaquiddick is a professor of Advanced Scientificism at the University of Florida. He has devoted his career to the study of vowels, consonants, and the mating songs of the Northern Reticulated Alligator. Born in 1972, in Harrisburg, PA, Mason has three children with his wife of 10 years, Anne. In his spare time, he plays the piano, fiddle, and dances in a traditional Egyptian clogging troupe called Camelfoot. He will die on March 23rd, 2029 when he refuses to give up his wallet containing $23 in cash and several General Mills cereal coupons to a group of African American youths. They won't have made any attempt to mug him, but his latent racism will cause him to incorrectly assume the worst. The stress will induce a sudden and massive coronary. He will be missed.

We here at afterglide are pleased to welcome Darren Halling as our new Chief Newsmolier. You may already have heard his contributions to the afterglide blogcast. He will also act as editor and contributor for news-related postings to ensure that afterglide publishes nothing but robust, high quality truth. We wish him well despite overwhelming personal distractions working against him, including an ongoing messy divorce and rickets.

Darren Halling is arguably the most trusted living journalist ever to live while being a journalist and is unquestionably the most trusted journalist amongst journalists who were being journalists without knowing they were doing it. He's confident, meticulous, aware, and is three quarters piss to a quarter vinegar. He does not rest until all of the questions are answered. He works hard for you and not because he desperately needs the money to pay child support and gambling debts.

Halling was born at age 5 in the quiet town of Hutchinson, Minnesota. He has several degrees, including a masters in Applied Newsmaneering from the University of Iowa and a PhD in Discrete Scoopsmanship from Harvard. He was a producer at WCCO Radio from 1975 to 1975 and the editor of the Cottage Grove Penny Pincher from 1975 to 1975. Welcome aboard, Darren!