Now sit down and grab a stiff drink (and if your dick is hard, go ahead and grab that, too -- no one's looking). This is going to be difficult for you to process, perhaps even impossible to believe. For the first time in the entire history of this blog (please, I told you to SIT DOWN for this!), I have a girlfriend. Are you ok? You look faint. Should I call 9-1-1? Do you need some smelling salts or a sandwich or something? No? In any case, she is the lovely Ang from Unapologetic Nonsense and Overheard in Minneapolis. She totally makes my pants dance. Swuht.

Fuuuuuck!!! Have you ever received a fat, dripping tidbit of gossip and just knew you could never tell anyone because it could put someone else in a really bad position? I'm not the gossiping sort, but man did I receive some dirty juicy juice dirt on someone tonight. And I know I can never say anything to anyone because it would risk getting someone into a lot of trouble socially, legally, and otherwise. God dammit. Oh well, at least I can talk with the source of this dirt about it and have at least some release. Or maybe I could run to the hospital and tell a bunch of people dying of terminal ass scabies just before they draw their last breath through their scabied buttholes.