I'm proud to announce that Afterglide Media Thingy, LLC has been awarded a patent for a new type of birth control. Sure, you'd think that screaming, vomiting toddlers running dicksmack wild in the middle of an upscale restaurant would be enough to swear folks off of sex completely, but we need to be realistic about family planning (or if you will, family prevention). That is why I have created a home pregnancy test that is an alternative to splashing messy pee pee everywhere to squeeze a couple of drops onto a little strip of fortune cookie paper in a plastic sleeve. With the t.p.t. home pregnancy test, you only need to poop into the spoon, set the spoon near a heat source to bring it to 125 degrees Fahrenheit, and you will soon know if you are pregnant or not. Just look at the easy to read indicator on the handle, and take a deep whiff of the contents of the ladle. The heat will activate a special enzyme embedded in the spoon. If there is one bar showing, and you smell curry, you are not pregnant. If there are two bars present, but you smell maple syrup, you might be pregnant with an unstable brick of walnut fudge. If there are two bars present, and you smell pine trees or hot beef stroganoff, you are most definitely pregnant.



Disclaimers: t.p.t. was not created by anyone with anything resembling scientific knowledge of the human reproductive system or process. In fact, the creator of t.p.t. is known to believe that babies are pooped out of the "nanner hole" and was once kicked out of a public pool for masturbating near a water jet in a manner he thought to be surreptitious but was completely obvious to the big-titted, bikini-clad life guard he was staring at. Also note that if you have consumed curry, beef stroganoff, maple syrup, spinach, Honey Nut Cheerios, bovine milk, water, or tepid purple Kool-Aid prior to pooping on t.p.t., you run the risk of a false positive or false diagnosis of cancer of the taint. Do not use t.p.t. near areas used in the preparation, storage, or consumption of food. Do not wipe or clean the butt crack area after defecating onto t.p.t. for at least 48 hours. You must produce at least 5 quarts of feces for an effective sample. Never wear gloves during or wash your hands after use of t.p.t. Use of t.p.t. contents and your finger to write a cute message to your lover on the bathroom mirror is strongly encouraged. After use, contents of t.p.t. must be taken to a nearby quick lube establishment for proper disposal. t.p.t. must be used in an unlit, humid environment like a middle school boys' locker room after gym class (taking proper care to cut electricity to the room prior to pooping). In order to ensure you are using t.p.t. properly, you must be observed via closed circuit television or webcam by Jeremy Q. Afterglide and a curious mastiff.

American Standard, one of the nation's leading producers of toilets and other plumbing fixtures, announced the world's first waterless high-capacity toilet. The Autumnal Rumbler Classic uses an advanced gravity-driven system to carry away waste in a manner that American Standard claims uses .00001% of the energy that competing toilets require to operate. The system uses a large opening in the floor to receive waste directly into the very drain pipe that carries it away to a cavernous underground septic tank. No water is required at any time in the process.

Making the product even more environmentally friendly, the septic tank acts as an attractive home for the northern reticulated sewer owl, the slovenly port oak badger and the hibernating chamomile woodchuck.

On the heels of Apple's MacBook Air comes this revolutionary new product.

Throughout the month of December, we've been counting down the top 31 cruelest and most insensitive companies of 2007. If you loved Robotic Mohels, Inc. (#29) and BeauCue, maker of extra hold hairspray for chemo patients, you're going to love today's feature, CousCous™ vending machines. New Jersey-based CousCous™ has decided to capitalize on the world's poor and hungry by installing vending machines full of tantalizing food and ingredients for cooking in remote villages in countries all over Africa. CousCous™ places the vending machines in the center of the village and charges outrageous prices. A pound of flour will cost you a staggering $45 US. The machines also dispense condoms for $75 US per dozen, and goats for $500 US. You disgust us, CousCous™. Those chicken legs look pretty good though. Anybody got a twenty?

James Dyson, inventor of high-tech vacuum cleaners that can suck electrons off of atoms (and money out of your bank account), has announced that he has created a full body version of the Dyson Airblade. The original Airblade was designed to dry hands in public lavatories in an energy-efficient and hygienic manner. "I realized whilst toweling myself off one morning that this process is terribly uncivilized and wasteful," said Dyson. "Think of the millions upon millions of gallons of water used to clean our towels each year. I knew there had to be a way we could create a cost-effective version of the Airblade on a larger scale. I also thought it would be a delightful opportunity for Jeremy to have an excuse to Photoshop this gratuitous image of a fat guy and his partially exposed ass crack inside of an Airblade. How droll."

Not to be outdone by rival Procter & Gamble's "...for the Cock" line of products, SC Johnson announced today the introduction of its line of "...for the Ass!" products. Dr. H. Fisk Johnson, Chairman and CEO of SC Johnson, gave the following statement in a press conference.

"While it would seem to make sense for a company with the word Johnson in its name to come up with its own line of products for the wang to counter our competitors, we at SC Johnson have always taken pride in focusing on filling the needs of consumers that no one else has addressed. That is why today I am proud to give to you our '...for the Ass!' line of personal hygiene and cleaning products. Also notice that we have an exclaimation point in ours, so it's way better. We're shouting from the hilltops how great our products are...for the ass!"

Johnson also couldn't resist getting a few digs in at Procter & Gamble. "Our competitor's '...for the Cock' line fills a market need, but they apparently are happy to rest on their laurels. What about their female customers? For months, they have promised -- and failed -- to deliver their '...for the Snatch' series of products. Procter & Gamble was so blindly focused on the needs of their male demographic that they are now left struggling to hastily rush a half-baked series of inferior products to the market for ladies' snack boxes. Our '...for the Ass!' products are for everyone. Men, women, children, seniors, even Chinese guys, and whatever Vin Diesel is. Whatever happened to him, anyway? Remember that movie where the duck bit his ear? He was a tough guy, but he was a nanny! I laughed my ass off--" At this point, an associate cut him off, whispered in his ear, and led him to a back room to feed him Oreos and warm Mr. Pibb.

The first product in the "...for the Ass" line, Scrubbing Bubbles Flushable Wipes for the Ass!, went on sale today and is available in stores nationwide. SC Johnson claims that the flushable wipes will revolutionize pooping, as they are designed to reduce wiping to a single stroke. The solution in the wipes adheres to the skin and forms a bubbling layer of feces eating bacteria. The product literature says, "...just wipe with a single pass, pull up your trousers or skirt, and walk away feeling the tingling cleaning power of bacteria feasting on your feces. In just 2 to 5 minutes, every particle of feces will be completely eradicated from your crack, even if you have a really hairy ass and big chucks of crap get stuck in there. Never shave your ass again!"

Future products planned in this line include Windex for the Ass!, Drano for the Ass!, and Shout for the Ass! SC Johnson's line of Glade rectal douches will also be rebranded as Glade for the Ass! by the end of the month.

Just in time to combat the cold, dry air of winter, today Procter & Gamble proudly announced the introduction of the latest member of its Puffs Plus tissue line, Puffs Plus for the Cock. President and Chief Executive of Procter & Gamble, A.G. Lafley, held an early morning phone conference for reporters and investors. Said Lafley, "For decades, the goal of our Puffs facial tissue line has been to soothe the delicate skin of our loyal customers. With our innovative Puffs Plus line, we infused moisturizing aloe lotion with vitamin e into the tissue itself. While these tissues were designed for the nose with cold and allergy seasons in mind, we have received a wave of requests from our customers who use our products, both with and without lotion, to quickly clean up the results of mutual pleasure between consenting partners and personal pleasure for those without a partner. With this in mind, we have created Puffs Plus for the Cock, the world's first tissue infused with so much lotion, that it can be used both for pleasuring oneself and cleaning up afterward. This is a revolutionary product tapping a vast world marketplace for personal pleasure and associated toys, lubricants, and videos." Promotional literature sent to reporters says that Puffs Plus for the Cock is the first in a line of several "...for the Cock" products, including Febreze for the Cock, Crest Whitestrips for the Cock, and Metamucil for the Cock.

I always look forward to this time of year. Some guys get revved about the new cars for the next model year. Other guys get all excited when the latest, fastest computer processors come out. I love June because it's when Glade's new summer douches arrive! I can't wait to get started, so let's dive right in (ha ha--a little va-jay-jay humor!)

Apple Cinnamon - Usually this is a limited-time seasonal scent they have around Christmas, but these year they decided to release it as part of the permanent lineup. Instead of fucking warm apple pie, you can bang an actual chick that smells like one! Best of both worlds.

Clean Linen - Are you eating the sheets or her vag? Only she knows for sure!

Floral Escape - Much better than last year's Gerbil Escape.

Fresh Summer Berries - Your choice--dingle or rasp.

Hawaiian Breeze - Mmmm...the essence of warm, summer vagina coming in off the ocean. It smells like pineapples and tuna.

Lavender Meadow -- This is a popular scent they brought over from their rectal douche line for gay males. I smelled a sample at the release party last fall, and it was quite nice. But really they could have just sprayed it on cards like at the fragrance counter. I was hesitant to smell the model's ass, but when in Rome...

Refreshing Spa - This one is another crossover from the rectal douche line, and I'm not as big of a fan. It should be called "Sweaty Bath House". It smells like semen and Right Guard.

Suddenly Spring - I love this one! It's like an invitation to lunch in the botanical gardens. More like "Suddenly Eating You Out"!

Vanilla Breeze - This one replaces last year's colossal flop called "Chocolate Dribbles".

As always, I will point out that experts recommend against regular douching to maintain healthy pH levels in the vagina and to avoid dryness and yeast infections. I won't give you advice one way or the other, but sometimes it's nice to put a little mango salsa on your salmon if you know what I mean.