Occupants of the international space station will finally be able to unclench, as the space shuttle delivered a new pump to fix the onboard toilet, which broke down two weeks ago. Most of the astronauts had been pooping into trash bags, then leaving them in the airlock to be sucked into the vacuum of space. However, once neighbor space stations complained of the constant soft thud of bag after bag of ass-tro-feces colliding with their hulls the astronauts decided to stow the bags in the linen closet with the Egyptian cotton hand towels and extra cucumber melon hand soap from Bath & Body Works. As the plumbing breakdown stretched into week two, the astronauts had run out of trash bags and had begun uncoiling oven fresh fudge puppies into resealable freezer bags, sandwich bags, and eventually into their unoccupied space suits. The replacement pump arrived just in time, as they were down to about a helmet's worth of space in one of the suits. One more meal of powdery refried beans from a toothpaste tube, and all hell would have broken loose. It is known from extensive NASA experiments in the 1980s that astronaut poop floating loose in the living quarters can work its way into delicate electrical and computer equipment, causing shorts and sparks that can cause a fire or even damage life support systems. And there aren't many worse ways to go than asphyxiating in a low-oxygen, high-poop atmosphere.

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Those wacky WCCO personalities are at it again. First, meteorologist Mike Fairbourne dared to ask hard questions about the true impact of humans on global warming, now Jason DeRusha insists that humans evolved from apes. Apes, DeRusha? You silly, television word saying guy! I'd splash you with holy water, but I fear it would leave a burn scar on your forehead. You wouldn't be so teevee purty no more, college boy.

In a startling and devastating mid-morning Sunday attack, 5 giddy men armed with bouquets of flowers and smiley face balloons, burst out of the back of an ice cream truck and lit up the lives of 57 people.

"It was just awful," said Martha Rahntz of Inver Grove Heights. "One minute my husband and I are buying tomatoes, and the next minute we have daisies and tiger lilies pushed into our hands and are hugged by these... lunatics."

The men, whose race and national origin we are not reporting because they aren't white, and if we tell you, some jerk off will totally think we're racist, emptied 12 full bouquets and 15 balloons into the crowd. Even children weren't spared from the horror. One of the terrorists was spotted painting sparkly rainbows and unicorns onto the cheeks of several small children.

St Paul police officers were on the scene less than 3 minutes after the first emergency call to 911, but they refused to take the smiling, friendly men into custody. "Uh... I'm not sure I see what the problem is," one unidentified officer was heard to comment. He was then hugged by one of the men and was handed an ice cream sandwich.

St Paul Farmers Market organizers say it will be open this weekend, however all sellers and customers will be required to pass through a series of balloon and mirth detectors.

Our nation's faltering economy isn't only impacting modest, hardworking folk, it's cutting a huge swath across the local blogging community, as well. Many bloggers, struggling to make payments on questionable mortgages with skyrocketing adjustable rates, have logged into their blog admin pages to find their administrative account password has been changed and a foreclosure notice taped onto the login screen.


Map of blog foreclosures in northeast Minneapolis in 2007. Source: Star TribuneIn 2007, there were 532 blogs foreclosures in Minneapolis alone. So far in the first half of 2008, there have been over 550. A large percentage of those foreclosures were a result of homeowners struggling to make huge payments on blog loans, better known as blortgages, with skyrocketing adjustable rates. Experts consider many of these individuals to be victims of predatory lending practices by unscrupulous blortgage firms who went to great lengths to hide the true terms of the loans from borrowers.

Cynthia Odegaard, former operator of the locally-focused food blog Morsels Melting in My Mouth in Minneapolis, lost her website to the bank when she could no longer make her loan payments. "I feel like such a fool, " said Odegaard from her modern condominium overlooking Lake Calhoun. "I wanted to make some improvements [to my blog] -- get my own domain name, put in some hardwood backgrounds and granite headers, that sort of stuff. I had all this equity built up, and the way [blog] values were skyrocketing, I thought it would be an investment in my future."


In late 2007, Cynthia Odegaard arrived at her blog to find this foreclosure notice.Six months after paying nearly $27 in fees for a $150 blog equity loan, Odegaard's full-time job as a senior marketing executive began taking up more of her day, leaving her less time to blog. Her readership dropped by half, and so did her ad revenue. "My Google AdWords panels weren't bringing in enough for my loan payments anymore." Odegaard kept up with the payments for another several months, but when her loan rate increased by 3%, she started missing payments. "I had to make a choice. I could have Starbucks 5 times a week instead of 6, or I could keep my blog." She chose Starbucks.

In February, Morsels melting in My Mouth in Minneapolis was auctioned off by Cynthia Odegaard's bank. The winning bid was submitted by a Little Canada family who later converted it into a Christian-oriented knitting blog called Needle Little Faith. "I surfed by it the other day," sad Odegaard, tears running down her cheeks. "It was like landing on an alien planet. It just didn't seem like anything that was ever mine." Asked if she will ever own her own blog again, she replied, "I don't see that happening anytime in the near future. It's more than financial, it's emotional." She is currently searching for a rental blog.

First suburban Pittsburgh residents Aaron and Christine Boring sued Google for using photos of their home in Street View. Then their neighbors Janet and George McKee learned that Google's photo snapping Street View vehicle drove all the way up their driveway, practically snapping photos from their front yard. Now another neighbor, James Hawburn, has come forward after he learned that as he slept soundly in his home, Google's mapping van drove onto his private property, up his driveway, through his front door, into his master bedroom, and all the way up his ass. Hawburn has no plans to sue Google, as he says the photos showed a suspicious polyp that his doctor will be scrutinizing carefully. "Google's photo mapping of my asshole may very well have saved my life," said Hawburn.

SOUTH PASADENA, California -- What the cock sucking whore? This community on the edge of Los Angeles has become a motherfucking cuss-free zone. Holy shit!

So if you're headed to South Pasadena this week, bitch, be sure to turn down the god damn volume on that fucking Snoop Dogg CD, and, if the little old cunt from Pasadena cuts off your shit in traffic, don't even think about flipping her the bird, 'cuz some serious shit be goin' down.

Not that police will slap cuffs on your wrists and haul your sorry jizz-filled ass off to jail in light of the weak-ass proclamation passed Wednesday by the City Council. But you could be shamed into better behavior by the unsettling glares of residents who take their reputation for civility seriously.

"That's one of the purposes of this," Mayor Michael "Fucklover's Pizza" Cacciotti said of his city's shit-streaked proclamation designating the first week of March as No God Damn Cussing Week. "It provides us a reminder to be more civil, to elevate the level of discourse... tampon jizz stick."

The proclamation will be in effect until Friday, and then the first week of every March here-fucking-after.

This push to stop public cussing is that it was proposed by a 14-year-old boy who doesn't have bitch tits.

"My mom and dad always taught me good morals, good values, and not cussing was one of them," said McKay "Shitty Shitty Gang Bang" Hatch, the shit salad lovin' founder of South Pasadena High School's No Cussing Club, during a recent break between study hall and ballin'.

"I've cussed before, I'm not gonna lie to you," Hatch quickly added. "But I try not to cuss any more... left handed titty fuck god damn trout pussy!"

He was in junior high school when he became fed up with all the totaly fucking assed up language around him.

He understood why his friends use foul language like fuck, shit, jizz, tit stain, snatch puddle, and ass butter: "They just want to fit in like everybody else and they don't know how. They figure if they cuss maybe it's an easy way to do that. Fuckity fuck fuck shit fuck."

For his part, Hatch hopes his No Cussing Club will lead to cuss-free zones in other cities. He believes it could be a quality-of-life issue, and that there may be less violence if people behave better.

"You have to start with the little things. Um... fuck," he said. Fuckin' A, man.

The format and wording of this article is based directly on the original AP story posted at CNN.com. With apologies to young McKay Hatch, who didn't really cuss. I said god damn!

Afterglide Media Thingy, LLC, owner of websites such as afterglide.com, Black Cock Shot of the Day, and I Can Has Potted Meatz, has purchased blog and news discussion site MNspeak. Anonymous sources indicate that the purchase price was "an agreement not to cause bodily harm to the owner of MNspeak." This agreement reportedly came during an surprise "summit" in which several men armed with jumper cables, car batteries, and moist sponges burst in at 3 in the morning to put the offer on the table.

Jeremy Q. Afterglide, removing a navy blue ski mask from his head, expressed shock at this report. "That's crazy talk, man. We bought it fair and square." Asked whether the company would keep current editor Max Sparber on staff, Mr. Afterglide indicated that it depended solely on whether Sparber would link to this post. "It's been a few days, man. I'm getting desperate for attention. I didn't know what to do short of getting involved in one of his creepy round bed parties."

Afterglide Media Thingy, LLC was founded in 2008, and if it weren't for the fact that it is an LLC, it would be traded under the ticker symbol POOP.

In an early morning ceremony off the coast of a Starbucks in Eden Prairie, MN, the United States Coast Guard launched the douchecutter class ship Carson Daly. The Carson Daly, the first of this new vessel class, will power its way through douche blockages in order to open channels for both commercial and military vessels in the upper midwest. Captain Lawrence Looselabes says he couldn't be more excited to command the Daly. "This ship was designed to plow through tight formations of celebrity douches, boy band douches, lying self-denial douches, tanning addict douches, and bluetooth earpiece douches. Basically any douche you throw at us, we can break up like wet newspaper. I'm honored to serve aboard this vessel." Captain Looselabes didn't have to wait long to put the ship to use. Two minutes into its maiden voyage, the Carson Daly encountered a minivan doing 45 mph in the left lane of westbound 494 and crushed it against a concrete barrier.

Senator Larry Craig, Republican Senator from the state of Idaho, has issued a much-anticipated report on the use of performance enhancing drugs in the gay male porn industry. Said Craig of the scandal, "I was outraged at what I found during my excruciatingly detailed and comprehensive investigation into the activities of actors in homosexual pornographic films -- but I'm not gay. Countless young, greased up little oven mits take steroids to enhance their rippling, perfectly proportioned, beefcake physiques -- I've never been gay. Hoards of painfully attractive young men even take sexual performance drugs like Viagra and Cialis for extra stamina and a firmer, more throbbing erection, which they use to pound tightly puckered lube holes between pairs of rock hard, tanned, waxed buttocks again and again until they pull out and spray hot, sticky ejaculate all over writhing masses of rippling abs, chiseled jaws, and pouty lips such that it runs down their hardened profiles and pools in their navels and between their pectoral muscles -- but I'm not gay. I am outraged at this behavior and will review these films and visit film sets daily until I get to the bottom of this conspiracy -- for sure I am not fond of penis. In the meantime, I recommend that the executives of the studios shooting these films send me everyone listed in my report so that I may personally punish them in my plushly appointed den. Not gay -- Craig out!" Craig then proved his convictions by taste testing several of the aforementioned drug-tainted erections, wiping his mouth, and shotgunning a Tab soda.

WASHINGTON -- Senator Larry Craig should be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea in an airport bathroom sex sting because he was under extreme stress. "It's tough covering up that I'm as gay as the day is long," said Craig. "Decades of lying to my wife, lying to my family, and enjoying the pleasures of dirty, dirty bathroom sex with men and finally getting caught doing it pressured me into pleading guilty. Therefore, I should be allowed to withdraw my plea."

In addition, Craig's lawyer argues that his client was deprived of his rights. "He was read his Miranda warning and treated in a very discreet and professional manner by the arresting officer, but the officer didn't have sex with him, and that totally bummed him out. My client is sorry for the bad name he has given to gay men everywhere but also says he'd probably want to bang men public bathrooms even if he were straight. It's his trademark thing that he does. A calling card if you will. Some people like to keep to themselves while they're pooping, and others like to poke men in the butthole with their erect members instead of pooping. It's all about personal bathroom choice, a choice that was taken away from Senator Craig."

The GOP said that sounds totally reasonable and would now like Craig to stay. They apologized to him with a card and muffin basket.