Right now I'm sitting in the reception area at the eye doctor waiting to have a second doctor examine me. Before I went to bed on Tuesday, I noticed my left eye felt a little irritated. Yesterday I awoke to a very inflamed, watery, and reddish peeping orb staring back at me in the mirror. As the day progressed, it also started to feel warm. My first concern was that it was related to my LASIK procedure that I had in late October. The doctor I just saw assured me it is not related to my LASIK flap. It appears there is some sort of abrasion on my cornea that has become mildly infected. He put some drops in it, and is going to have one of the other doctors take a look. I didn't quite get why a second doctor needs to look and hope that is not a bad sign.

UPDATE: The second doctor used some different eyeball-looking gizmos to examine my eye and reached the same conclusion. I have an abrasion that is infected. They prescribed some antibiotic drops, which I am about to go pick up.

Don't forget to come out to the Kitty Cat Klub after 8 pm tonight!

Tomorrow it will have been 4 weeks since my LASIK procedure. I still am not regretting it in the least. The only annoyance, which has been minor so far, is that I definitely notice a halo effect around bright lights in a dark setting. I can usually watch tv or a movie in a dark room without it being very bothersome, but it is quite prominent when driving at night. Headlights from oncoming cars and lights in traffic signals have a bit of a hazy blur around them. For some people, this condition is permanent, and for others, it eventually goes away over the course of weeks to several months. I could live with it as it is, but I hope it improves at least somewhat. Otherwise, I will finally have a weakness that my enemies could use to defeat me. The headline the next morning would read, "Super awesome dude dies trying to exit room full of cobras and flashing traffic signals."

I also still have bad vision days here and there. Or at least they'll start out that way. What I've found is that this seems to be linked directly to hydration. If I am somewhat dehydrated, this will sometimes result in blurry vision that no amount of drops or blinking can seem to take care of. However, if I drink a couple big glasses of water and maybe some juice, it clears right up. At work alone, I usually drink just shy of a gallon of water each day and consume little to no caffeine, so this hasn't been much of a problem so far. And yes, my large intake of fluids means I piss like a race horse several times a day, thank you very much.

Speaking of piss, I think as a supplement to "Start SEEING Motorcycles" bumper stickers, there should be "Start HITTING the Urinal" stickers and signs for men's restrooms. Anytime us men use a public restroom, we're guaranteed to be standing in an inch deep puddle of urine from several dozen other people. At the bar, I can totally see it. You've had a few shots, you're a little wobbly, and you veer off to the side a couple of times. Oops! You correct course and continue with your mission. But in an office building at 10 in the morning? Are you swinging it through your legs and trying to hit it while facing the opposite direction? Trying to bank it off the wall? What's going on?

Within a few days, my LASIK surgery will be paid for in full. Not only that, but I will have wiped away all of my consumer debts in their totality. The new windows I had installed on my house last year? Paid. The fancy LeafGuard gutters from the year before? Paid. The only debts hanging over my head will be my dwindling student loan balance and my mortgage. As a matter of fact, I may very well end up paying off about 25% of the balance on my student loan, but we'll see how responsible I'm feeling. This and I also found out today that my 2007 property taxes will be at least 1.8% LOWER than 2006. Quelle fuck est-il?

How did I manage this? I hate to say it, but I have to keep mum on that part. If I had some sage personal finance advice that could benefit everyone, I'd gladly share it, but in this case, it's combination of lucky circumstances and a specific personal situation I can't go into (ooooh, mysterious!). I can assure you it was 100% legal, no children in India were exploited, and only one or two cats died. Ok, seven cats and a poodle, but who's counting?

Does this mean I'm going to turn around and go arm-flailing apeshit with my spending now? God knows I've had my eye on a nubile young 70-inch DLP HDTV for while now, but NO! Though this does reopen the possibility of trip to Vegas and/or California this winter. Other than that, I must continue to save for responsible things like investing in another home improvement project. I'll tell you what I really, really, really have wanted to do for years--a fireplace. I would love to have a remote controlled gas fireplace in the living room. It adds resale value to a house, and nothing is more romantic than rubbing one out with some soft music playing and the light of the fire dancing across your well-lubed hand.

Since my LASIK surgery a little over a week ago, I have very closely followed the timeline set by LasikPlus. This is my vision we're talking about, and I'm not going to take any risks. For the first week, I religiously took the antibiotic and steroid eye drops 4 times a day, slept in the funky goggles they gave me to avoid the chance of rolling over in bed and accidentally ripping open a corneal flap, and I avoided strenuous activities, including my workout. Sunday I began the process of easing into some daily physical activity by going for a nice, long walk (I can't run for another couple weeks, as I'm supposed to keep sweat out of my eyes). Monday I was lazy and skipped. But yesterday was quite nice out, so on my lunch break, I did 4 miles, part of which included a serene lakeside path of which I was previously unaware. On top of that, I walked the 1.5 miles to the polls to vote that night, then walked well out of my way of the path home to stop at a store to buy a couple of ingredients for the chocolate chip bread I had planned to bake in my bread machine. All said, I probably walked a total of 7 to 8 miles yesterday.

At 72 degrees, today was a highly unusually warm day for November in Minnesota, so again I decided to seize advantage of the weather by taking a little stroll. However, this time I wanted to maximize efficient use of my lunch break by including an errand of stocking up my lunchtime soup supply. I quickly google mapped the nearest grocery stores and supermarkets and wasn't surprised to learn that my normal noontime grocery stop, the Lakeville SuperTarget, was nearly 3 miles away. Obviously that's much too far of a walk to fit into under an hour. Ah, but there was a "Superette" about 1.5 miles from the office. Perfect! Except what the fuck is a Superette? Obviously it's not super at all if they need to downgrade with the "ette" suffix.

"What do we call our new store, Emma?"

"Well, Frank, we aint shitty, so I reckon Shittymart weren't right. But we ain't all that super either, so t'weren't no Supermarket neither. I dunno. Superette?"

"That was a whole lotta unnecessary words, woman. Just file the paperwork and get back to holding me back from my dreams."

In other words, I expected nothing spectacular, but it was a destination that would take my inquisitive ass through a part of Lakeville I had not yet explored. I was sold. To the Shittymart--er...Superette! So after wolfing down a bowl of soup, I hoofed it outside. I wandered and soon made my way past the bank, the oddly located adult gift store, warily made my way through the parking lot of the bustling truck stop, and was on the straight road for the Superette. Except this wasn't exactly the back street I was expecting. It was a narrow two-lane highway with a few feet of shoulder for the treading. Not exactly pedestrian friendly. But I had already walked quite some distance to get this far, so I decided I would press on and be very watchful of the oncoming traffic.

And I walked. And walked. And walked. The landscape became more rural and remote. Finally I began to realize that I surely had walked a fair stretch more than 1.5 miles. Meanwhile, trucks, cars, and motorcycles whizzed by within a few feet of my precious, precious right hip. "I need that hip for walking! Please don't hit me and break it, fast-moving cars," I thought to myself. I decided I'd press on just a little farther and soon saw an old store sign with a Pepsi logo in the distance. It just had to be the Superette!

I marched forward past the blatantly truant teens buzzing their ATV's and dirtbikes through the ditches and the 10 acre hobby farm for sale ("No horses!") and at last was at my destination. I'm not sure that the "ette" was a strong enough suffix for how far below the grade of "Super" this store really was. The store looked like it had been there since at least the 60's or 70's and the inside confirmed it. There was the unmistakable smell of layers of dust and dirt inside. The smell immediately reminded me of walking into a dirty farm implement store with my dad as a young child. This Superette probably started as one of the only places for miles and miles that the then rural population could buy milk, meager produce, and toiletries and had never been dusted once since it opened.

I greeted the elderly man behind the counter and headed to the coolers at the back of the store. I was thirsty and needed a cold beverage. I wasn't in the mood for bottled water and still eschew caffeine for the most part, so I grabbed a Sierra Mist Free. Given the condition of the store, I immediately checked the expiration date. Hmm...October 23rd, 2006. Expired but it's not like it was milk or cottage cheese, so I was fine with it. I scanned the shelves for soup but only found a paltry selection of Campbell's condensed soup and three varieties of Campbell's Chunky. I usually take Healthy Choice or other lower sodium varities, so I balked and moved over to the candy aisle. Well, well, well! M&M's with Dark Chocolate. And with a 2007 expiration date no less. Sold! I took my purchases to the counter and attempted some friendly banter with the old man as he rang me up, but I soon realized he was deaf as a post and couldn't bless him with any of my witty repartee above his stock replies of "Huh?" and "What's that?" I paid for my purchase and left the smell of dirt and death for fresher air.

When I had left the office, it was breezy and somewhat cloudy. But now the wind had died down and the sun was more than peeking through the coulds. It was actually feeling rather warm. I began to feel beads of perspiration roll down my forehead. No! My precious eyes! Must keep out the sweat! I obsessively wiped my brow but briskly trudged forward full speed ahead, as I didn't want to abuse my lunch break by taking too much time. God damn was I out in the middle of nowhere! In fact, I twice heard gunshots in the distance. In certain neighborhoods of Minneapolis, you would assume it was a drive by or a murder-suicide bringing a tidy end to a tumultuous thirty-year marriage, but I knew that I was far enough out in the boondocks in the middle of deer season that I was bound to hear a rifle blast here and there.

Now I was really starting to get warm and sweaty. I'm in reasonably good shape from all of the running and walking I do, but sinking down into the sand and gravel of the road's shoulder was taking its toll. And now I was getting seriously worried about how long it was going to take me to get back to work. I began considering thumbing a ride from one of the endless stream of passing trucks but had visions of being traded into an underground network of white slavery. Not a good idea. Thankfully I eventually saw the sign for the truck stop in the distance. The end of my journey was now within reach! I dodged tractor-trailer rigs in the truck stop parking lot again, marched past the adult gift store and peered unashamed through the window, and was on the home stretch for the office. I made it!

Thankfully, my desk is in a corner and somewhat secluded from my coworkers, as I was sweaty and not exactly smelling my best. The lessons learned? Superettes are not super, Lakeville is still surprisingly rural, and when you walk several miles after taking a greasy dump that forced you to wipe your ass bloody and raw, you come back with a little bit of a limp.

Today my eyes are significantly less dry. There's still that "dry contact" feeling I described before, but it's now very mild. Last night, my friend Mary recounted the tale of a coworker of another friend of hers who now has no vision in one eye after getting an infection after laser eye surgery. She sarcastically pleaded with me to continue the prescribed regimen of drops. No fucking doubt, Mary.

Speaking of Mary, she and I are going to the Wild game tonight. She goes in on season tickets with some coworkers, and I usually end up getting to go to 2 or 3 games each season. I wonder about the Wild season ticket holder policy is when it comes to behavior of guests. Maybe I can chuck a beer or some maple syrup and wave my penis at a Canucks player and not lose Mary and her group their tickets. I better look into it. I'd hate to be like this drunken dipshit.

Oh, and my vision was clear enough to spot raccoons on the side of the road on the way to work today. But Jerry later informed me that they were actually mailboxes. Then Kramer bounded into the room and ruined all of the subtlely gay sexual tension.

Mildly NSFW. Some language and sexual humor. You expected anything less?

My LASIK surgery Monday went amazingly well. I wasn't nervous about it until I woke up Monday morning and thought to myself, "Holy shit! I'm going to let these guys laser my damn eyeballs!!" But I kept holding onto the fact that I had done a lot of research, a lot of reading, and thankfully had caught up with a college friend Saturday night who just so happened to have her procedure done at the same place, LasikPlus in Edina. She was thrilled with her results and had nothing but good things to say about them.

In any case, some of the order of events may be off, as it all happened very fast, but here is what went down. Oh, and I included a video I made last night about life after LASIK to make up for the rather dry nature of this post--be sure to check it out!

I was supposed to check in at 4:30, but I arrived about 15 minutes early. I quickly filled out the required paperwork and was immediately ushered into a smaller waiting room that was near the procedure room and away from the lobby waiting area. I didn't wait much more than 5 minutes before I was called into the procedure room to get one final scan done of my eyes. This scan is done while laying on the same table that is used during the actual surgery.

Now I was taken to another room where I was given a small zippered bag containing assorted eye drops, protective sunglasses, and protective goggles for sleeping. The (technician? assistant?) explained the dosage and frequency of each of the drops. One was a steroid to reduce inflammation. One was an antibiotic, and the rest were preservative-free artifcial tears. I was also instructed to try to take a nap for a few hours after returning home.

At the end of her explanation, she offered me a Valium. Though you feel no pain during the procedure, I knew this offer was coming and had been debating it. I have had my share of surgeries and dental procedures in my adult life, and honestly tend not to get terribly worked up. Part of me wanted to be macho and say, "Get that out of here! I'm a real man and will tough my way through it." But this was different. I was going to be awake with my eyes propped open underneath a laser. I could already feel the anxiety building in my gut, so I decided to take the pink pill and follow the white rabbit.

I returned to the waiting room, and again, not a few minutes later, I was called into a small exam room to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Awad. He explained the procedure, checked my eyes once more, and gave me a some more drops to dilate my pupils, as drops that had been administered earlier evidently hadn't been quite enough.

Dr. Awad left the room, and I waited quietly and anxiously for a few minutes. To my surprise, I was called directly into the procedure room. Already? Perhaps it's just as well, as I think I would have just worked myself into a nervous wreck had I waited much longer.

I walked into the procedure room, and a surgical cap was placed over my hair. Numbing drops were put into my eyes, and I took my spot on the table. I don't remember which eye was first, but I think it was the right one. My other eye was covered. A speculum held my eyelids open to prevent blinking, and my eyelashes were taped down to keep them out of the way. The pressure from the speculum was unexpectedly enormous and extremely uncomfortable. The lights from the equipment were impossibly bright and shone directly into my eye. I could see the blinking red light inside the LASIK machine. Now there was a woosh of noise as massive amounts of suction kept my eyeball in place for the cutting of the corneal flap. My vision went dim, which is expected. I felt a mild, but somewhat disturbing tugging and ripping sensation on my eye. My vision returned, and I was told to focus on the blinking red light. The laser began cutting with a distinctive tap-tap-tap sound, and I detected a slight burning smell. Again, I was forewarned of this fully by the doctor. The LASIK machine, however, surprised me in that it gave a verbal electronic countdown along the lines of "Patient Jeremy...right eye. 19 seconds left in procedure...[beep]...5 seconds left in procedure...Procedure complete." Or maybe Michael Winslow was hiding behind the machine messing with me. My flap was put back down, smoothed out, and work began on the other eye. At this point, I was getting a little freaked out, but I knew it would be over very soon (they had said 5 minutes per eye, with 30 seconds of it being the actual laser cutting, but it actually seemed like it didn't take even that long).

After the other eye was done, they put steroid and antibacterial drops in my eyes, put the protective sunglasses on me, and led me to the exam room. The doctor looked at my eyes through the scope and seemed concerned. I don't like concern. Evidently the flap on my right eye was not perfectly smoothed down. Perhaps it had been bumped or otherwise dislodged. He brushed at it with a fluid-covered swab, and announced that he wanted it to be perfect and would like to take me back to the procedure room, but checked to make sure I wasn't "in a hurry." I actually had to laugh at this point, and said that I would indulge him in his sense of perfectionism just this once.

In the meantime, he was about to start another procedure, so he had me sit tight in the exam room. Fortunately the Valium had kicked in, and while I understood that this was an unexpected and undesirable hiccup, I was unfazed. Before I knew it, I was back on the table, and wet swabs were again being brushed on my right eye. This seemed to go on forever. In my head, I screamed "Dammit! Let's get this freaky eyelid propping shit over with!" Finally they wrapped it up, put drops in that eye again, and led me back to the exam room. This time he smiled with satisfaction and declared the flap to be perfect. Exactly what I wanted to hear.

I was told to put my sunglasses back on, and was led to the waiting room. I was asked if I had someone waiting to drive me home. I did. Julie was supposed to show up around 5:30 or 5:45. I was informed that it was 5:20. FIVE TWENTY??? My God! While the whole procedure went extremely quickly, I was shocked that a mere hour and 5 minutes had passed from the moment I walked in the door to the time I was being led out to the waiting room. And this included probably a good 10 or more minutes of extra dicking around due to the flap situation in my right eye.

Eventually Julie called and informed me traffic was heavy and that it would be after 6 when she arrived. But per our original plans, she had stopped at Leeann Chin on the way and had piping hot sesame chicken, sweet and sour hcicken, and cream cheese wontons to share for dinner. Now I was hungry! But no problem. I wasn't going anywhere and was fine to quietly rest with my eyes closed. About 10-15 minutes later Julie arrived, took me by the hand, and led me out the door to the elevator and out to her car. I kept my eyes shut as much as possible as instructed. Being prone to motion sickness, this did not do well for my stomach as we rounded the winding frontage roads to insert ourselves into lurching stop and go traffic. In the rare cases I did open my eyes, I could see clearer than I could sans glasses prior to the surgery, but it was quite hazy. Finally, we pulled into my driveway, and I fiddled for my keys to let us in.

We ate dinner, and I tried to be somewhat conversational, but the Valium and stress of the procedure were taking their toll on my lucidity. My eyes felt marginally worse than having very dried out contact lenses in them. I knew I needed to put in my bedtime drops and go to sleep soon. After dinner, Julie kindly made sure I was settled and helped me by reading the medicated drop instructions since I couldn't remember and could read them myself yet. She headed home to pack for her 2-1/2 week work trip, and I shuffled around to prepare for bed. By 7:30 or 8, I was sound asleep with my saftey goggles strapped securely to my head.

Tuesday morning I awoke and immediately noticed I clearly read the clock across the room. My eyes felt light years better, but still had that dried contact lense feeling. I showered, carefully dried myself off, got dressed, and put in my morning drops. My brother arrived at 7 to take me to pick up my car, which I'd left in the clinic parking lot. He works just a mile or two from the clinic, so other than adding a few minutes to pick me up at my place, this was kind of on his way to work anyway. I was grateful he was available to give me a ride. By the time we got to my car, I was noticing that I could read road and street signs very clearly. Probably not a bad thing since I was about to drive to work.

Throughout Tuesday, I periodically noticed improvements in my vision. At one point in the mid-afternoon, I was in the lunch room, looked out the window, and clearly picked out individual leaves on the trees on the other side of the road outside. I grinned ear to ear and furtively did a little jig.

That afternoon, I returned to Edina for my 4 pm followup exam. The doctor (a different one than the guy who did my surgery), looked at my eyes under the scope and gave me a standard eye exam. I read the bottom line on the chart with both eyes. 20/20 vision. He said that was excellent for the day after the procedure. I agreed wholeheartedly.

Though I arrived at work early both yesterday and today, I stayed late tonight to finish up a few things. Leaving early yesterday and Monday put me a little farther behind than I wanted to be. So this was the first I'd driven after dark since the procedure. Not surprisingly, there was a bit glare or "halo effect" from car and other lights, but I didn't think they were much worse than certain times when I wear contacts. Again, this is common, and hopefully should subside over the coming weeks and months, though it may never go away completely. I think I could live with it if it improved only slightly.

Now I'm not completely out of the woods yet. There is still the potential for complication. I could get an infection, a flap could get dislodged, I could accidentally get spicy carnitas from Chipotle in my eye, or I could inadvertently ingest Visine and come down with a wicked case of the trots. But so far, so good. And by the way, if you read this and decide to go to LasikPlus, whether in the Minneapolis area or elsewhere, get in touch with me (my email address is on every page of my blog in the upper right). I get a little cash action if I refer someone there, and they decide to get the procedure, so send some love if I tipped the scales for you.

I can see!!! After my LASIK procedure yesterday afternoon, I was completely out of commission for posting. My vision is still a little like a hazy dream sequence in a soap opera, but I can see my computer screen and read the time on a clock from across the room. But now I need to head off to work, so hopefully I will have more time to write about the whole crazy experience in the coming days.

Or in my case, burning in the afternoon! You may remember that about a month ago, I made an appointment to get an evaluation exam to see if I'm a candidate for laser vision correction. I expressed concern over the shabby nature of LasikPlus' website, but after doing some research, reading some stories online of other people in the Twin Cities who have used them, and visiting their Edina office, gone were the concerns that this could be some fly-by-night operation operating with stolen surgical equipment in the back of a white, unmarked Ford Econoline kidnap-and-rape-mobile.

After postponing the appointment due to other personal commitments, I drove to Edina bright and early for my 7:45 am appointment yesterday. Though they were undergoing a remodeling, the office was clean, modern, and well-appointed with consumer comforts (a fancy-ass automated coffee, cappuccino, and cocoa machine momentarily confused my computer programmer noggin), and exam equipment. After filling out my medical history, I was shown the procedure room and told that it was on its own generator in case the power went out. Good to know! I don't want to be halfway through the procedure, have the power go out, then surge into overdrive a moment later to bury a scorching light saber through my eye and out the back of my skull.

Over the course of nearly 90 minutes, I was shown a introduction video on laser vision correction, and I went through a battery of tests involving lights shining in my eyes, my pupils being dialated, and my eyeballs being prodded at with a stick. Then for some reason, I was given a rectal exam ("What are you using your whole fist doc?") and a slow, sensual hernia check with a lilac-scented lotion (at no time was I asked to cough though). Afterward, I met with one of the surgeons, and he went over the exam results. Evidently I am an excellent candidate (granted, you wonder how forthcoming they'd be if you weren't a good candidate and were about to walk out the door with your bank account intact). I have very thick corneas, and I have smaller than average pupils (or just "beady" as my friend Kelly corrected), making me a candidate for one of the less complicated procedures. And while the surgeon did not make this claim, some articles I've read indicate that smaller pupil size could be an indicator of reduced risk of "halo vision" where you have difficulty with the blurring of bright objects in darkness (headlights at night, tv in a dark room, etc).

Now my original plan was to wait until after the first of the year to take advantage of the tax advantages of my flex medical spending plan at work, but they were offering a big discount on a procedure and plan that included free "touch ups" for life if additional vision correction were needed down the road. The deal ends October 31st, so I'm getting mine Monday afternoon. I know. Totally whirlwind. But I'm excited to not deal with glasses or contacts anymore. And yes, I'm fully aware of the risks. Trust me, I'm not jumping into this blind (pun intended). I have done a lot of reading the last few weeks, anf talked to several other people who've had similar procedures with various eye centers.

Right this moment, my thought is that I will pay for about a third of my procedure up front and finance the rest. I did the math, and if I put the skids on my Lindsay Lohan-style spending immediately, I can have the rest of it paid off by the spring. So now I must buckle down! I have even canceled my internet access and photo sending feature on my cell phone (no more moblogs or poopblogs for now--sorry!). And no more concerts for a few months. No fancy jet plane rides. Less meals out. Less boozing. Less Caribou. Less hookers, save a desperate discount tranny here and there. And let's not forget less tap dancing in your mom's vagina and more trips to the soup kitchen in my faux hobo rags.

After years of kinda sorta maybe possibly considering thinking about it, I made an appointment for an evaluation exam for lasik eye surgery. I'm mucho nearsighted and alternate between wearing glasses and contacts. In recent years, my contacts have started irritating my eyes to the point I can't wear them more than a day or two in a stretch. I received a pamphlet in the mail from Lasik Plus, filled in and mailed a reply card for a free evaluation exam, and they called to schedule the appointment tonight. Maybe I should have done more research before bothering to make this appointment. I went to their website--is it just me, or does it look kind of hokey? Looks like the website a spammer would put together to look semi-professional and trick people into buying fake "V1@gR@" and "C1@L15" at bargain basement prices. Anyone out there had laser vision correction surgery in the Twin Cities area or know of someone who has? Have any recommendations? Places to stay away from? Is this Lasik Plus outfit some fly by night operation that charges you 4 large, shines a laser pointer in your eye, and gives you an expired bottle of Visine, or are they the real deal? My eyes well with anticipation.