Showing posts with label Jeremy's favorites. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jeremy's favorites. Show all posts

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Patent application - male shocker device

Abstract of the Disclosure

The male shocker device is designed to provide the male equivalent of a sexual maneuver known colloquially as "the shocker." By definition of function, the original version of the shocker can only be delivered to a female or transgendered individual retaining ownership of a vagina. The shocker involves insertion of the little, or "pinky" finger into the rectum, retraction of the ring, or fourth finger, against the hand, insertion of the middle finger and index finger into the vagina, with the thumb being left free to stimulate the clitoris.

The male shocker device allows the equivalent maneuver to be performed on a male or transgendered individual retaining ownership of a penis. The male shocker (Fig. 32) involves insertion of the little, or "pinky" finger (323) into the rectum, wrapping the ring, middle, and index fingers (322) tightly around the shaft of the penis, with a partially straightened paper clip firmly attached to the thumb (321). While the pinky finger is moved around in the rectum, the ring, middle, and index fingers retain the grip on the shaft, moving up and down and/or squeezing the shaft as deemed desirable by the recipient. The straightened portion of the paper clip is inserted into the male's urethra, and the thumb is moved in a manner such that the paper clip is moved in and out of or simply moved around inside the penis. This double insertion spanning the taint, sack, and shaft, and the object poking around carelessly in the penis, replicates for the male the awful, mind-blowingly ham-fisted sexual technique that is the shocker.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Harsh system responses to stupid users


Sunday, October 14, 2007

I know why your testicles are chilly

A few days ago, Ang shared a few searches that get people to Overheard In Minneapolis. I realized that I'm long overdue for responding to folks searching for answers but ending up at my blog. And we all know there isn't a single thing of any redeeming value here whatsoever. It's high time I gave back again.

Search: wash hair during period
Location: Malaysia

As far as I know, it's ok to wash your hair during your period. For that matter, I think it's ok to wash your hair during pretty much anyone's period. If it wasn't, no one would wash their hair.


Search: balls testicles fall asleep
Location: Burnaby, BC

So your "balls testicles" fall asleep, eh? When my balls testicles fall asleep, I stick a straw down my urethra and pour in some hot Starbucks.

--

As always, the biggest random search term referral to my blog comes from people trying to find out whether the local NBC affiliate's weather guy, Sven Sundgaard, is gay. People ask the same question, but they ask it many different ways, so I want to make sure everyone gets an answer that is satisfactory to them.

Search: sven sundgaard gay
Location: Minneapolis, MN

As far as I know, he is. But this is all third-hand information. A friend-of-a-friend saw him at dinner with his man date. And a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend saw him with FIVE PENISES inside of him at once! For serious now!

Search: sven sundgaard GAY
Location: ?

Now this search bothers me a little bit. Are you yelling at me? SVEN SUNDGAARD IS GAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!11111!!!11!! Or are you asking quietly about Sven Sundgaard then getting so excited about the question you're asking that you completely lose control. "Hey, buddy, keep this under your hat, but is Sven Sundgaard...ohmuhgawd GAAAYYYYYYYYYY??///????//???" Or maybe you're just asking if he's really gay?

Search: sven sundgaard sexuality
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Now this is a more respectful way to phrase the question. So many people are very crude with their searches. "That thar Sven Sungerrd like it in the corn chute?" Please! A little dignity and decorum is all I ask. Anyway, sexuality-wise, I hear he's very sexual. Thanks for asking.

Search: is sven the weather guy gay?
Location: Bloomington, MN

See, now this is precisely what I just talked about.

Search: Does Sven Sundgaard have a girlfriend?
Location: Elk River, MN

I seriously doubt it, sweetheart, but keep dreaming.

Search: sven sundgaard is gay
Location: Woodbury, MN

Ok, if you already knew that, then why are you searching for it? Just to impress us with your knowledge of his gayitude? You smug son of a bitch.

Search: sven sundgaard penis
Location: St Paul, MN

Sven sundgaard's penis has its own blog. So quit bugging me!

Search: What is the size of Sven Sundgaard's penis
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Look, this is just obscene. Ask Sven Sundgaard's penis!!

Search: pumpkin fuck
Location: ?

Hmm... this seems like a good idea. I recommend microwaving the pumpkin first. If the pumpkin is too big for your microwave, it's quite inexpensive to buy a small pumpkin at the farmers market or supermarket. If you can't find a pumpkin small enough for your microwave, buy a bigger microwave. If you can't find a microwave big enough for your fuckable pumpkin, then try putting a candle in it. Just put it at the far end of the pumpkin opposite from the hole so you don't burn the tip of your penis.

Search: how do I keep my cat from pooping in my crawl space
Location: Mountain View, CA

Your options are pretty limited on this one.

1. Seal up your crawl space.
2. Seal up your cat's butthole.
3. Seal your cat up in the crawl space. It will poop in there for a while, but it will stop after a week or two.

Search: pepper on penis
Location: Denver, CO

So do you want to put pepper on the penis or in it? I don't have a problem with sprinkling a little pepper on my penis. In fact, I do it every morning before work to keep things fresh down there. But when you sprinkle it IN my penis, I just don't think that's a very good idea. Unless you're searching for an interview with Dr. Pepper about penises. He seems like he'd be a trustworthy source for penis information.

Search: myspace backdoor
Location: Solon, OH

MySpace may have a lot of error messages and system outages, but they do not have a back door way to get into the system. Their software developers did, however, build a butthole into one of the servers. You can't fuck it, but they'll let you put your pinky in it if you make an appointment.

Search: indian pooping
Location: India

I have a search tip for you. If you're living in India and using the Indian version of google, it seems pretty redundant to search for "indian pooping." You can just search for "pooping."

Search: pooping in India
Location: Oakland, CA

Jesus! Does no one know how to use a fucking search engine? Maybe you should talk to that dude from India searching for Indian pooping. Oh, wait. He doesn't know how to poop in India either. You're both fucked.

Search: hamburger vagina
Location: ?

butterscotch armpit

Search: poop on canada
Location: Aurora, CO

For shame! Canada is our friend. Why on earth would you want to poop on Canada. You poop IN Canada. Not on it.

Search: poop in the butthole
Location: Lombard, IL

Who the hell is trying to poop in your butthole? You need to tell your parents right now! Or a trusted adult like a teacher or pastor. Unless they are the one trying to poop in your butthole. Sick fucks.

Search: vagina gina
Location: ?

Vagina Gina, what's your function?
Taking up dick and dildos and hoses
Vagina Gina, how's that function?
I got three favorite cocks.
That get most of my job done.
Vagina Gina, what's their function?
Filling me up with man juice
They do kind of rock.

Search: suck my balls and sacs
Location: Denver, CO

Your sacs? Plural? You have multiple nutsacks? I can't decide if that's a blessing or a curse.

Search: slim shadyemail him
Location: Dulles, VA

I'm sure Slim Shady, aka Eminem, aka Marshall Mathers, would love you to email him. I'll bet you want to send him some of your dopest rhymes, don't you there, home slice? Want to tell him all about how hard it is getting a used Corolla for your birthday instead of the new BMW you wanted? And how you had to eat meatloaf, among other regular meals, that your white suburban mom made for you instead of eating lobster and sippin' Cristal at the club. Yeah. You go for it. You're gonna make it big, sport. I'm hitching my wagon to your star.

Search: why does menstration stink
Location: Dallas, TX

Because it comes out of the vagina you haven't washed since they canceled ALF.

Search: how to mold a vagina using glue
Location: Kalona, IA

Normally I'd say you'd have a tough time finding some chick that would let you fill her snatch up with Elmer's, but I think I found someone for you, buddy. Fair warning, it ain't gonna smell pretty down there.

Search: What does it mean when feces smells like semen
Location: Melrose, MA

*Rubs forehead in serious thought and sighs at the realization that he is actually going to have to explain this*

It means you were fucked in the ass. With a penis. That ejaculated in your ass. With semen.

Search: close up of beef curtains
Location: MI

Oh! You must be redecorating! How fun!! Well, HGTV's website has a lot of good decorating tips, but I think it would help if you sat down, looked at patterns, and decided what will look best with your beef curtains... Oh, shit. THOSE kind of beef curtains! Sorry, dude. Um... I dunno. Pretty much any porno site in existence?

Search: penis singing set me free
Location: ?

Testify! When the sweet song of a penis sets you free, you feel the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders. Now that you've accepted Jesus as your personal savior and heard the penis singing, you are free. You are reborn. Go into the world and spread the love. Spread the song of the penis.

Search: the underside of my ball sack is cool to the touch why?
Location: Canada

Maybe because you live in Canada and sleep with the window and your legs wide open.

Search: treatment for swollen testicle hit by a ball
Location: India

Whoa! Talk about irony. This is the first case I've ever heard where some dude got knee-nutted by some other dude's balls. So did they get all tangled together when it happened? What happened to the other guy? Does he need help, too? Oh, you unfeeling bastard! You just left that guy laying there writhing in pain in the parking lot at JoAnn Fabrics, didn't you!

Search: dry anal
Location: Chula Vista, CA

Try putting some sawdust and a stick of colored chalk up there.

Search: rub my chest pics
Location: Hays, KS

Ok. *rubs pictures of dude's chest* Now what?

Search: "baked beans" OR "canned baked beans" OR "barbeque baked beans" OR "barbeque beans" OR "barbeque baked beans" OR "barbecue beans" OR "barbecue baked beans" OR "barbque beans" OR "barbque baked beans" OR "barbcue baked beans" OR "barbcue beans" OR "bbq baked beans" OR "bbq beans"
Location: ?

WHAT??!? I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR! ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR BEANS? WHAT?? BEANS? IS IT BEANS? HUH? NO, I SAID "BEANS!" BEANS!!!!!!!! BEAAAANNNNS, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Search: minnesota asses
Location: London, KY

Hoo boy. Have you ever been up here, buddy? Mom ass all over the place. It's like thousands of pairs of frozen turkeys stuffed into jeans hiked up over the tits up here. Or maybe that's what you're into.

Search: friday asses
Location: France

I'll bet Friday asses in France are a lot hairier than Thursday asses in Maple Grove.

Search: you pooped
Location: UK

Damn straight. Look out, buddy. I'm coming to your house next.

Search: symptoms for a puppy when he screams urinating or pooping
Location: ?

I think you pretty much described the symptoms right there. He's screaming while he's urinating and pooping. Stop feeding him jacks and G.I. Joe helmets.

Search: pooped during sex
Location: Fairhope, AL

Wow. Just... wow. I'm so sorry. Did she know you did it? If not, there's still time. Just sneak into her house and flip over her sheets. Problem solved.

Search: my cousin showed me how girls pee
Location: San Jose, CA

I'm not sure if you're really grasping the purpose of a search engine, kid. You use it to search for information. Google is not to be used for making announcements about every new discover you make about the female body. If I see a "I got to touch a boob" search from you in ten years, I'm coming over there and beating you with a bookend.

Search: butthole dishes
Location: ?

urethra tea cups

Search: casting penis
Location: Saudi Arabia

Actually this is a pretty good question. How do you cast for the growing number of penis roles in Hollywood? And how do you cast them fairly? And as a penis actor, when do you risk being typecast as a certain type of penis? I think this is why Sven Sundgaard's penis chooses to be jobless instead of being an actor.

Search: losing a testicle inside
Location: ?

Inside what? A Cracker Jack box? The playground? The mall? Help us help you find your testicle.

Search: how to relax poo
Location: Australia

Give it a glass of wine, light some candles, play some soft mood music, and give it a back rub. You're going to need to wash your hands afterward though.

Search: penis wearing out
Location: ?

Give it a little Gatorade and a pep talk.

Search: horrid farting
Location: ?

Oh, wait. Google was right to direct you here.

Search: pain beside scrotum
Location: Chicago, IL

Beside your scrotum??? Like where, the coffee table?

Search: best testicle implants in florida
Location: Miami, FL

Look up Terry Rosenbaum in Tampa. He's won the title of Mr Florida Testicle Implant every year for the last decade. If you give him a call, he'll let you cup them.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The dutch oven mitt


Lady and gentlecock
Photo by Yanni
If you read this blog regularly, you know that I am a refined man of distinction. You also know that I am a true gentleman at heart. I care a great deal about the delicate sensibilities of the fairer sex, particularly my dearest, the lovely Miss Angela. I feel it is imperative to protect proper ladies such as Angela from the more offensive reports and odors produced by the manly bottom. For this reason, fellow gentlemen, I pass along this maneuver so that you may use it with your wife, significant other, or paramour. No, it is not a sexual maneuver (please, this is a family blog!), but it is a maneuver that will be cherished and appreciated by your bed mate once they realize the suffering from which you have protected them. When you feel a particularly noxious emission of gas pressing for release from your anus, hold the sheets tight to your torso with the arm farthest from her, throw your free arm around her chest to form a tight seal with the sheets against her body, and push in such a manner as to fart. This move will protect your fragile lover from your ass vapors and could very well save your relationship.

P.S. Don't make my mistake. A few moments later, I always forget and lift the covers ever so slightly to excitedly sample my wares. This releases a potent, high velocity stream of methane straight up both of our nostrils, causing her to shriek in horror and knee me in the nuts.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Drive smarter

Riding back from northern Minnesota forced me to entertain myself with all means at my disposal. This included sinking to reading the owner's manual for the Impala I was riding in. But the more I read, the more enthralled I became. I learned so much about cars and how to drive them that I am now invincible on the road and shall drive that way forever more. Look out, Johnny Left Lane, I'm driving up your tail pipe and spritzing you with lavender!

First, we are introduced to a very important symbol that is used throughout the manual. This circle with a slash through it means, "Do Not," "Do Not do this," or "Do Not let this happen." For example, an artist's rendering of your ass being gang raped prison-style might have one of these on it. Note that I said "might."


This diagram warns that if the seatbelt is not properly buckled, passengers with particularly veiny penises could find their members irreversibly entangled in the straps.


Warning: electric ottoman!


I wasn't really sure what this one meant. Science geeks with snow-capped slopes on their heads ahead???


In the event of a rear-impact crash, a metal rod will impale your baby via the rectum.


This either means that boogers picked while driving should be wiped under the seat or illustrates the proper hand signal for requesting sexual favors from a back seat passenger.


Please, please, PLEASE do not jill off while driving.


Driving is the perfect time to contemplate what a douchebag you've become.


The following three photos illustrate the horrible truth -- auto manufacturers use paralympic medal winners for crash testing purposes. I think I'm going to be sick.






Exhibition of gang signs while buckling of seat belts is strongly discouraged.


Seat belts can be useful for the restraint of particularly raging erections.


Dry humping of steering wheel may cause pregnancy.


When driving by attractive women walking down the street, yell "Unggghhhh... I smell that sandwich baby! Check out my pickle!" while making a jerking motion on the seatbelt.


Children under 12 should never ride in the front seat, particularly if they have no soul.


"We see you when you dream. We know you didn't finish your almond pudding. We see. We know. You die."


Seat belts are useful for restraining step-siblings from exploring each others bodies out of burgeoning sexual curiosity during long trips.


If you have to give your buddy's stoner girlfriend a ride, keep the shoulder belt undone so she can give you road head in exchange for sizzling beef brisket.


This is what it said in the manual word for word: "That's what you get for adopting a brown baby, bitch!" Once again, this car manual has brought tears of pain to my eyes. Love, don't hate, you stupid auto manufacturer!! This car was built on racism, and I'm getting out of it RIGHT NOW! *sound of car door slamming and angry footsteps*


Children in car seats must be monitored at all times, but may be looked at with contempt and disgust.


"God, I wish you had never been born."


Warning: children are anchors that will sink your life to the bottom of an ocean of responsibility and despair.


If gigantic ball appears before you while driving, speak to it calmly in soft tones and ask it to please move aside so that you may see the road.


Air bags are not for practice make out sessions by business men.


"Mmmph! Ohhhh... yeah, daddy like... mmmm... smack."


When purchasing old iMacs at pawn shops, it is recommended that you secure them in the trunk or back seat.


When you no longer love your wife, it is best that you make her ride in the back seat.


Vehicle is not recommended for transport of World War II-era naval mines.


When using car exhaust to commit suicide in garage, please ensure someone will find you within 48 hours to avoid damaging the upholstery. This will retain maximum resale value at the estate sale (which will consist entirely of your death car and the shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kids in the linen closet).


Leaving keys out for children to find, start automobile, and accidentally roll into a lake and drown is pretty indicative of your overall parenting skills.


*glug*


Brace head before using back seat for rough sex.


If you must leave your child alone in the car, trips to the casino on a hot day in July are best. This gives the child time to think about your family history of heart disease and incarceration.


"I have so little to look forward to. And can a motherfucker get some water or a moist towelette over here?"


Should your penis become entangled in the controls, step on it repeatedly.


Driving is complicated!


Please do not operate automobile in prevailing westerlies.


Press middle button to launch heat-seeking missile at the asshole on the phone who just cut you off.


This is how many drinks you can drink and still be ok to drive.


In case of unavoidable impact with deer, turn on your windshield wipers to prepare for the initial gush of blood.


If the deer runs away, accelerate. You may still get to run that fucker down.


Breed.


Breeeeeeeeeeeeeed.


Car comes equipped with everything you need to dismember and dispose of a body.


No, that isn't "the shocker." You're missing a pinky. You know, for the stink.