Dear Jeremy,

I have a hairy asshole. As a woman, is this wrong? Do men prefer a hairless, baby soft asshole on a gal, or do they not care? I'm also curious about what lesbians think about hairy butt holes. Do they mind if their partner looks like a Yeti in the pooper?

Sincerely,

Curious, and Hairy in South Minneapolis

Dear Assquatch, how hairy are we talking here? Peach fuzz? Secret garden? Radiated tarantula? Personally I prefer a hairless ass. A large percentage of Americans have hangups about hair. Here we like smooth lines, lickable armpits, and bald landing strips. In Europe, you're not as likely to encounter hangups about your rectal spider monkey, but as American tastes drift eastward, you might encounter more beret-wearing Nair lovers clucking their tongues nowhere near your hirsute butthole. In other words, you better get over to France to get your pooper pounded by an unshowered Frenchman before he discovers Old Spice shower gel and beav shaving porn on ScrewTube.

As for lesbians, they like and dislike the hairy tickle hole at similar ratios to everyone else. If I were a woman, lesbian or not, I'd keep my shitter waxed like a surfboard.

But you're looking to strip some hair out of your bread pan, ask for Jen at the Beauty Room in Minneapolis. She is an expert waxer. If you pay her extra, she'll use the ass hair she strips off to build you a handlebar mustache for your vag.

Dear JoTF,
I just ate refried beans spread upon Triscuits with EZ Cheese on top for lunch. I was wondering what awesome effects this will have on my libido in a few hours? Are there any foods that you know about or have experienced that make for a perfect storm of whoopee?

Love Infested Intestine

Dear Intestine, first I would suggest incorporating more fresh fruit and vegetables into your diet. Not only for your libido, but so you can actually take a dump every once in a while instead of hovering over the bowl straining to push out a paltry teaspoon of blood-caked cracker crumbs and sawdust. But having a system flush with water and healthy vitamins can also help keep that soldier saluting and increase your stamina in the sack. Now you might still pop off after thirty seconds of steady pumping, but you can do that maybe five or six times in an evening instead of just one or two. In her eyes, you'll be two-thirds of a man instead of just half of one.

As for your Triscuits, refried beans, and EZ Cheese, the answer is, "NO! STOP! BAD!" followed by a smack across the back of the hand with a celery stalk. Even if it did help you launch your rocket, you're going to leave a reddish brown skid mark on her sheets, and she'll never invite you back for another roll in the hay. But maybe that's just how you roll, player.

Dear Jeremy,

Sometimes when I'm at the bar and drunkenly pick up a fugly chick, I don't have a bag to put over her head. Makes it hard to get hard, you know.

-JK

JK, there is a really simple solution to this problem. Don't put a bag on her head. Flip her over and draw a new face on her back.

--

Hey! My boyfriend is Mr Spooge-a-Lot. He cums on my tits, my face, my stomach, my back, my mattress, my headboard, my curtains, my carpet, my lamp shade, and my vanity.

geen

Geen, first off, that isn't a question. Second, tell him he best wipe off his mess tonight or chisel it off in the morning.

--

Got a question for Jeremy On the Fucking? Send it to fucking@afterglide.com

Ang from St Paul writes:

What is your favorite color?

Sincerely,
Your fucking fuck buddy

Ang, when it comes to fucking, I don't play racial favorites. True, my girlfriend, who happens to be you, is caucasion, but I don't draw the line at only fucking white chicks. I like African-American snatch, Asian cooter, Hispanic gash, and any other type of panty slit you can think of. In fact, I would still be rod-docking all of these types of women if I was not in a relationship with you... and you hadn't caught me with that group of African-American, Asian, and Hispanic girls when you came home from your business trip. To summarize, I like the poon.

Chelsea from Minneapolis writes:

How did you break the bed? I mean, was it standing, jumping, role playing, a donkey?

Chelsea, it was just straight out, American-style fucking. Where American = cowgirl. Granted the structural stability of the bed had been previously compromised a few months ago in an unrelated incident, but this vigorous episode was the final straw for the poor bed frame. The good news is that Miss Ang has decided to buy a round bed from Ikea. I have not-at-all-jokingly told her that I'm going to build a motorized platform for it that will turn the bed slowly while I bang her drum quickly.

--

Today I also wanted to tell a story of a couple of friends who I want to applaud for their honesty. They were running late for a small gathering at the home of some mutual friends. When they arrived they explained that they were late because they had been boning. That is not only an acceptable reason for being late, it is a strongly encouraged reason for being late. Unless you are Ang, and it is me who is waiting for you somewhere. "Sorry, I was late, Jeremy. I was getting plowed like a field of harvested sorghum." HEY!!! Not cool, Ang. Not cool, at all. Next time you show up for the matinée at 4:30 pm sharp.

This week I won't be answering a question because none of you fuckers ever send me your fucking questions to fucking@afterglide.com!!! Instead, I'd like to address a topic of concern to me because it happened to me recently. I'm talking about breaking the bed while fucking. Now if you're thinking, "Oh, Jeremy, you're just writing this blog post with no other purpose than to brag about the fact that you broke the bed while fucking," I say, you are correct. This is proof positive that my cock wields the power of a thousand suns. And I wield my cock recklessly. One time I burned a chick's ovaries out then blasted her through the hot water heater when I came. Another time I used it to melt through a blast door when members of the Trade Federation tried to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi and me on their command vessel. I also use it to kill crickets.

Anyway, start sending me questions, or all of my future posts will be about stuff that I burn with my dick. Not including all the chicks I gave the weeping snatch pustules in the 90s.

An actual reader sent in our first actual question! At least I think it's a question.

What the fuck, fucker? Who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? I will fucking fuck you up. Don't fucking let me see your fucking face again, fuckstick, or I will stick my fucking boot so far up your fucking ass that you'll fucking be shitting fucking shoe leather.

-Max via IM

Max, your question was quite obviously formed with great care and concern, so I went to equally great effortook great care to formulate a response commensurate with your thoughtfulness. I will tell you exactly what the fuck. The fuck is that the whole system is fundamentally flawed. The working man is increasingly struggling to make ends meet. Food prices are going up, fuel prices are going up, and people are losing their homes due to unscrupulous lending practices. That is the motherfucking fuck if there ever was a fuck to be fucked.

As for who I think I'm fucking with, I can tell you precisely. I've been fucking with my girlfriend quite a bit lately. I enjoy it very much, though it sometimes doesn't happen as frequently as I'd like. Sometimes life gets busy, you get home drunk, you have to work early the next day, or you just fall asleep on the couch. Other times, she's working out a bowl of crimson egg drop soup, and it just isn't going to happen. Other than that, a couple prostitute hookers, most of them women, come into the mix. One is a tranny with a "7.5 to 8.2-inch surprise." Well now that you've told me about it, it really isn't a surprise anymore, is it? And why give me a range? You don't know how long your "surprise" is? I don't believe that for a second. You measure it every chance you get, don't you. If you're giving me a range, I'm going to assume it's about 85% of the length of the lower value in the range. So let's just be honest and call it a 6.375-inch surprise. Or a 6.375-inch special guest. Yes, let's call it a special guest.

I would, however, appreciate it very much if we could avoid this culminating into you fucking me up in some manner. Whether it be fucking me up in terms of physically assaulting me or fucking me up one of my bodily orifices, let's just lay down our arms (or in this case, our special guests), and be friends. Non-fucking, non-fighting friends. Bosom buddies, really. And of course that means that we would be friends in Christ.

Now my fucking face -- when have you seen my face fucking? Oh, don't get me wrong. I like to get all down in there and rock a quality waggle from time to time, but I don't know that I would call that fucking. I think we should call it a tender lovemaking face. Or if we want to be technical, an awkward yodeling face. Either way, I can pretty much guarantee you'll never seem my face while it's fucking, making love, or yodeling, but I can't guarantee you won't see it enjoying other activities like conveying incredulity, grinding pulled pork, or appreciating an oak-laden fart.

And let us not forget your final point, the insertion of your fucking boot into my fucking ass. If this fucking boot is a boot you frequently use for said fucking, then I assume that it is pretty crusty with a lot of people's leavings at this point. Or do you sit down for a shoe shine at the airport from time to time? And I can see how you could fuck an ass with a fucking boot, but I must admit that I can't conceive of how a fucking ass would work. I can picture fucking an ass, but I can't picture fucking with an ass. Is this like fucking a big old sasquatch chick in her cavernous lady cave with it, or are you stretching out a normal-sized woman such that she looks like an oversized pencil topper? Fitting the whole ass in there would be an amazing feat, and I think you could get a lot of people to pay to see that on the internet. But not me. I'd prefer to draw it or express it in song, preferably something to the tune of Barry Manilow's "Mandy" or something from the Starship Troopers soundtrack. Remember that scene in that movie that had the big bugs? That was fucking awesome, dude!

Send your fucking questions about fucking to fucking@afterglide.com.

Do you have a question for Jeremy On the Fucking? Send your seriously fucked up sex questions and stories to fucking@afterglide.com. If it's disturbing enough, I may just post it and respond. Or call the cops. Oh, and a story about bangin' one out reverse cowgirl style is not fucked up. That's just common sense.

So a reader that I totally made up sent me the following letter:

Dear JOTF, I dig banging my girlfriend as many times as I possibly can. But she unloads the twice a day limit on me. Fuck's up with that, haas? Anyway, I'm actually writing about when I can't rail her during her period. Hey, I could be tits deep in heavy flow, and I won't complain as long as I'm also shank deep in her mitt. But she's all like, "I don't feel sexy! We'll ruin the sheets! Stop rubbing your dick on my cat!" I tell her I can ignore her period bloat, we can put down a tarp, and that her cat likes it, but bitch don't listen, son!

-I Don't Mind a Red Shaft

First off, IDMARS, your letter seems like something that I pulled out of my own ass. But I'll answer it because it's the smartest thing I've ever read in my entire life. Unfortunately, pal, I don't think you'll likely be getting any during her rag time ditty if she's not game. You can try telling her that her rack looks totally honkable or shaking your dick in her face, but chicks can be stubborn during their periods, so even those tried and true A-game tactics might not be enough. Here are a few things you can try that will not only give you some you time, but might actually convince her that letting you give your bone a burial at the Red Sea isn't the worst thing in the world.

1. Jerk off constantly - At the dinner table, while driving, while mowing the lawn, every chance you can get. You'll get your jollies, and she'll likely be so mortified at your behavior that she'll spread like raspberry jam.

2. Get things done - During times you'd normally be having the relations, check off items on your to-do list (not HER to-do list, YOURS, fool!!!). Finally finish the last few levels on the latest Grand Theft Auto game, build that diorama of the Golden Girls, and while you're at it, take that gigantic dump you've been saving up the last few days.

3. Ignore her entirely - This will drive her nuts with randy desire. Don't talk to her, or even acknowledge her existence. Chicks fucking love this shit. A couple days of this, and you'll be sure to get a lap full of Kool-Aid.

4. Imply that you will touch the kids - Now let me be clear, never ever EVER actually touch your kids inappropriately. If you do, I'll come over there and snatch away your fruit basket quicker than a table saw. But if you leave subtle hints around your wife that you might go that way if your needs aren't soon satisfied, she might rock the panty drop. Or call the cops and divorce you. Who knows. I can't be responsible for things I tell you to do if you actually do them.

Alexis finally got her column on how to give a good blowjob published in vita.mn after a small bit of controversy. Alexis, your columns are almost always quite entertaining, if not informative, and while you do occasionally provide offhand examples of what not to do, I feel that I must supplement your blowjob column with detailed examples of brutally bad oral techniques. This will not only be of use to women who want to avoid poor beejetiquette but will provide some guidelines for women who actually wish to give a piss poor hummer. Perhaps this desire is out of spite, revenge, or even boredom, but this isn't my concern, as long as I'm not the subject of the substandard jock slobber.

The Sugar Scraper

Some women get a tad toothy in their fellatial technique, particularly if those teeth are snaggled in nature. While the occasional enamel-on-rod contact may hit a gentleman's reset button, it normally is something that can be ignored long enough to blast her uvula back into her spine. The sugar scraper, however, is akin to using one's top front teeth to strip mine the caramel and chocolate off of the cookie in a Twix bar. Unfortunately, when a real, live fleshy penis is involved, the analogous caramel and chocolate are replaced with layers of skin and the occasional prominent vein. The man's erection usually wilts instantly, and it is not uncommon for him to bleed to death within minutes.

The Bazooka Joe

Much like chewing absentmindedly on soft bubble gum or onion patch cud, the cock ingester gnaws viciously on the head and shaft, leaving the man's genitalia looking like someone ran a strawberry cheesecake through a wood chipper. If the recipient doesn't bleed to death, he usually shoots himself in the hypothalamus before enduring dozens of reconstructive surgeries and a lifetime of carting around a battle-scarred dick that looks like a frightened pufferfish.

The Serious Blowjob

This was conceived by Coco, who often pantomimes the act while dining in classy lounges and supper clubs. The performer of the serious blowjob has a stern look on her face, sucks on the cock like she is trying to remove the stubborn wrapper from a drinking straw at Arby's, and maintains uncomfortable, glaring eye contact with the recipient at all times, as if to say, "I see you, buddy boy. I know you're up to something, and I swear I will figure out just what that something is." The recipient likely will maintain his erection and ejaculate with some delay, but the entire experience will be quite uncomfortable, as no one likes to get the stink eye, particularly when getting their knob gobbled.

The Chastising Blowjob

Another Coco creation, the chastising blowjob is the natural extension of the serious blowjob. Unlike the serious blowjob, the blower knows exactly what shenanigans the blowee has been up to, and will stare angrily at him while wagging her finger at him. "For shame, dude who's cock I'm sucking! I know it was you who ran over the neighbor kid and drove off without saying anything. I'll continue sucking, but I am very displeased with your actions." The recipient's guilt will make it very difficult for him to maintain his erection, and it may take hours for him to ejaculate, assuming he does not break down in a tearful confession. "I did it! I admit it! Hey, I didn't say stop. Keep going!"

The Trojan Whore

The woman disrobes, gets on her knees, opens her mouth, and leans in as if to suck, but at the last millisecond, headbutts him in the peaches and absconds with his wallet. The man is left writhing in pain and concern over potential identity theft and damage to his credit rating.

Epilogue

Ladies, please keep in mind that using these techniques as a distraction for the sole purpose of engaging in criminal activity is unladylike behavior, unless -- as in the case of The Trojan Whore -- the crime is intended as punishment for the cock-bearing party. Maybe he slept with your roommate or tricked you into climbing into a cargo van for a 6-man gang bang -- frankly I don't care. Just promise me that you will use this information only for the purposes of misandric and selfish gratification.