A group of ultra conservative scientists, deemed so radical that even the Tea Party has consistently distanced itself from their views, announced that they have invented a device meant to wean homosexual men from what they have called "the sure hellfire of the gay lifestyle." Craig Jeaenus, president of the non-profit Scientists for Christ and Such, said Thursday, "We've tried literally slapping the dicks out of the mouths of these young men, but their taste for penis -- firm, rigid, throbbing... hoo boy. Sorry, I'm perspiring a bit. Excuse me. Their taste for penis knows no satiation. We believe we have found a solution to cure these muscular, well-oiled sailors -- er, I mean men -- of their sinful lust for the male member. Oh dear! I didn't mean to erection -- gah, I mean drool! I didn't mean to drool."
Jeaenus went on to unveil a large cylinder with a penile appearance, not unlike a sex toy, with the exception of the glowing red base and smoke-like steam billowing from the faux urethra. The device is called the e-penis. Designed to be used for behavior cessation similar to quitting smoking with an e-cigarette, the e-penis is loaded with cartridges full of simulated semen, the essence of which is emitted in the steam into the mouth of the user. Over time, the user loads cartridges with incrementally decreased percentages of artificial semen until finally the e-penis spouts nothing more than water in the steam.
Scientists for Christ and Such has been distributing free e-penises and semen cartridges to gay bars and clubs in major metropolitan areas throughout the United States since early April. So far, the reviews are as glowing as the end of the electronic phallus itself. Dan Carrington, a 34 year old accountant from Phoenix, has been using the e-penis for over 6 weeks. "I love it," said Carrington. "I haven't taken this darn thing out of my mouth for more than a few minutes in weeks. It's wonderful!" When asked how far along he is in the cessation program, he laughed. "Cessation? Oh, I threw away the watered-down cartridges the very first night. They keep giving away full sets of cartridges everywhere I go, so I've been sucking down the high test stuff the whole time. Full steam ahead!"
When a recording of Carrington's interview was played back for Craig Jeaenus, he appeared agitated. "No, that is not how he's supposed to use it!" He furiously scribbled notes on a legal pad, reached into a desk drawer, pulled out an e-penis, and drew it toward his lips. "Sorry, this helps me think." He loaded in a semen cartridge clearly labeled "100% Strength," mopped sweat from his brow, and inhaled deeply.