Friday, July 09, 2010

The Heavy Vending Machine: "Steakation" makes me wish I'd left town

Today's vending machine selection comes to you courtesy of a momentary bout of dyslexia. While Great Steak's Angus Cheeseburger Twins may sound disgusting enough on their own, my misreading of "Anus Cheeseburger Twins" made me think I was in for a hell of a lot more of a chore. This is the sort of fat end of the bat I'm willing to take up my ass for you, the discerning vending machine food consumer. Fortunately, this ended up being the skinny end of the bat, or possibly even just a large novelty-sized pencil from an amusement park.

Clearly these twins are fraternal.

Great Steak, which I was not familiar with prior to eating these burgers and desperately seeking out a responsible party for litigation, is apparently also known as The Great Steak & Potato. TGSP is chain of presumably shitty fast food restaurants available in fine food courts as close as the Mall of America, Southdale, and Rosedale Center. Their specialties are Philly cheesesteaks and strained cummerbunds.

Unlike previous sandwich and hot wiener contenders reviewed here, the cheeseburgers' bread survived a 45 second microwave radiation assault surprisingly well. I suspect Great Steak achieved this astounding feat by using a denser bread and leaving it to stale in a pile of sawdust behind a shop bench for 2 score and a fortnight. Moisture from the soulless meat and cheese-like substances inside of the sandwiches reinvigorated the bread, bringing it to a nearly food-grade quality. Add hot processed cheese and piping hot meat the texture and flavor of wet cat food compressed into a slim hockey puck, and you've got a recipe for a burger even a dog wouldn't sniff. In fact, as I write this, it really concerns me that the anus twins are still bouncing around in my stomach. Why are you still in there?!? Come out of there! But not too quickly or liquidly. I am NOT getting that mess on my leather seats again.

Product: Great Steak Angus Cheeseburger Twins
Price Paid: $2.50
Risk Factor: N
Rating: 0 out of 5 stars
Wine Pairings: Drained radiator water, fortified Hi-C, and boxless juice

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