Adding value to the conversation

Whenever you have gained too much faith in humanity, you should be required to post an item for sale on craigslist. Here are a couple of exchanges I've had over some stools that I'm selling (stools for sitting, not stools from the toilet). Names changed to undeservedly protect the stupid.


Subject: Stools

Hello,

Do you still have these?

Please advise.

Monica
________________________
Subject: Re: Stools

I have someone scheduled to come over to pick them up. If they are a no-show, I'll let you know.

-Jeremy

________________________
Subject: Re: Stools

Let me know if they don't show

Thanks,

Monica
________________________


Thank you for rearranging what I just said and repeating it to me. You are moved to the end of the waiting list. Of life.



Subject: Stools

Do you still have these? If so I will take them.

Thanks,

David

_____________
Subject: Re: Stools

Hi, David. They are still available. I have quite a lot going on through the rest of the week, so the earliest I could meet is Saturday. I'm also free all day Sunday.

-Jeremy
_____________
Subject: Re: Stools

I can try and make that work, unless you have a place that you can leave them and I can just run by and pick them up and leave the cash?

Thanks,

David
______________

I see absolutely nothing in his proposal that could go wrong or fuck me over in any possible way. Then again, my judgment may be impaired, as I'm struggling to catch up so I can say I smoked as much crack as he did. I'll also leave the front door of my house unlocked with my wallet splayed open on the threshold so you can just slip the cash in. Make change if you need to. I have plenty of small bills. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge and take a hobo bath in my laundry sink while you're at it.

Driving a hard bargain on craigslist

I couldn't help replying to this one.

Furniture LOOK!!! - $80 (Saint Paul Highland Park)
Date: 2009-07-26, 11:49AM CDT

Hello world....
Here is a small list of some thing I have for sale:

Oversized wooden framed lazy boy chair .... asking $90.00.... no stain or rips...
REAL leather (not pleather) couch from HOM furniture in 2001 ....asking $150.00 (needs cleaning, but there are no tears)
Matching pair of "kelly green" retro 1970's wool chairs with NO beading ... asking $50.00

Please email with any questions.... I am willing to accept all reasonable offers... as I need my apartment to be cleared out a little.... thanks.


I'll be completely honest. I have absolutely no interest in any of your furniture. But are you going to finish that can of root beer?

Witness to the shitness

Peep it, ass hats. J. Dogg Bo Shagg heard your shrieking 999, and an ambulance with the steering wheel on the right side is on its way to run over your shrubs and gurney your fat fucking ass to the foot of my throne. But I won't be sitting in it 'cuz I prefer the ratty plaid couch at Trey Trey's. He's got an Xbox 360 and a sweet-ass collection of chrome-plated assault shotguns. While you're waiting for me to get home, help yourself to anything in the fridge, but stick to the side full of blood samples and unprepped taxidermy fixin's. You can pinch my road squirrel, but I'll beat you to death with your own ass if you touch my fat free strawberry yogurt. And when I stumble in the door covered in hot fudge and ostrich feathers, you better immediately drop trous 'cuz your treatment requires me to throw a hubcap and a leaking car battery up your pooper from across the room. And the only reason I didn't call it a puckered cock magnet instead of a pooper is 'cuz your motherfucking inbred breach baby is in the next room gnawing on a lamp cord. God damn, you make me sick. Now let's fuck.

I'm-a gonna be on th' teevee, ya'll!

Some of you already know this since I've been tweeting about the whole process, but it's 99.99% certain that I will be the subject of an episode of a bathroom remodeling show that will air in February on a home improvement-themed cable network, (although the producers did say they've had the network unexpectedly air shows in as little as 2 months after taping). As for the missing 0.01% of certainty, I leave that out since there is always the slight chance they could change their mind, or they could shoot it and the network could shelve it (they said they've had that happen with a couple of episodes). Hopefully the condition of my bathroom and my sense of humor about the whole mess will make for good television though.

It all started a 2 weeks ago when I saw a notice posted online about the show looking for people in the Twin Cities area with nightmarish bathrooms. Mine, in its abandoned, half-finished state seemed like a perfect candidate, and I emailed them photos and a description of its woeful state that evening. The very next morning, a producer replied and wanted to set up a time to come to the house with a camcorder to shoot some video of me giving a tour of everything I love and hate about the bathroom. She also conducted an on-camera interview where she asked me questions about me, my personality, the projects I've already worked on around the house, my interests, and why I think I'd be a good candidate for the show. She said the higher-ups would watch the tape and decide if they wanted to move forward.

On Tuesday they emailed me, indicating they wanted to send the other producers over to talk to me and check the place out. I now realize they had already made their decision, but just wanted to see for themselves that the bathroom would work on-camera and would fit me and the host, camera guy, sound guy, and one other person. "So you could have up to 5 guys in your bathroom at once." I responded, "It wouldn't be the first time."

I'm going to end up tripling my original budget of $1,000 for the bathroom, but now it's looking like I'll be in this house a lot longer than I planned (the housing market, my budget, my sanity, and other reasons I won't get into factored into that decision). So I would like a cool, modern bathroom that I would like, not just cheap, generic cosmetic changes that would appeal to potential buyers. So I'll be contributing around $3,000, the show will kick in $2,000, and they also typically line up freebies from show sponsors. I might get something along the lines of a free vanity, new sinks (I'd be open to moving what I had previously installed to the basement bathroom), fixtures, tile, or decorations and accessories

If you're wondering why I don't just mention the name of the show, I figure I don't need to make the producers nervous about people googling for info about their show and running across my poop-laden, male shocker-inventing blog and Twitter account. At least not before the episode is in the can. Get it? In the can? Oh my, I'm marvelous!

Patent application - male shocker device

Abstract of the Disclosure

The male shocker device is designed to provide the male equivalent of a sexual maneuver known colloquially as "the shocker." By definition of function, the original version of the shocker can only be delivered to a female or transgendered individual retaining ownership of a vagina. The shocker involves insertion of the little, or "pinky" finger into the rectum, retraction of the ring, or fourth finger, against the hand, insertion of the middle finger and index finger into the vagina, with the thumb being left free to stimulate the clitoris.

The male shocker device allows the equivalent maneuver to be performed on a male or transgendered individual retaining ownership of a penis. The male shocker (Fig. 32) involves insertion of the little, or "pinky" finger (323) into the rectum, wrapping the ring, middle, and index fingers (322) tightly around the shaft of the penis, with a partially straightened paper clip firmly attached to the thumb (321). While the pinky finger is moved around in the rectum, the ring, middle, and index fingers retain the grip on the shaft, moving up and down and/or squeezing the shaft as deemed desirable by the recipient. The straightened portion of the paper clip is inserted into the male's urethra, and the thumb is moved in a manner such that the paper clip is moved in and out of or simply moved around inside the penis. This double insertion spanning the taint, sack, and shaft, and the object poking around carelessly in the penis, replicates for the male the awful, mind-blowingly ham-fisted sexual technique that is the shocker.

afterglide.com throws hat in Minnesota governor's race

afterglide.com, the website itself, not its author, has announced he is running for governor of the state of Minnesota in 2010. Mr .com indicated he will be running with the support of the CPP. The CPP, or Coiled Penis Party, is not a political party, but a regular social gathering where all invitees are able to coil their penises at least four times around a hickory rocking chair once owned by Karl Malden. .com is not a member, saying, "I could only get it around a couple of times, but that was then -- it's penis under the coffee table. They are actually the ones who approached me about entering the race."

afterglide.com is seen as a long shot, particularly given his track record of generating controversy. In recent years, he has claimed he was an "unknown burglar" in the 1972 break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate Office complex and managed to escape before his cohorts were arrested. In December, 2008, .com sparked outrage with a expletive-filled tirade laced with racial and homophobic slurs during a curiously unedited guest appearance on Sesame Street.

When Jeremy Gibbens, a frequent contributor to afterglide.com, was reached for comment, he read a prepared statement and would not take further questions. "I do not support afterglide.com's candidacy for the office of governor of Minnesota. The withering of our business relationship in recent months has been well-documented by the media. While I will not air the details of our private grievances, I can tell you that I do not support his political ideologies, his narrow social views, or not taking his medication. I do hope one day -- perhaps very soon -- to mend our fences enough that I can write about poop on him again. Or actually poop on him. I refuse to believe the good times are gone."

A conversation with my brother

I suppose a little background is necessary for this one. My brother and his wife (who are expecting a baby in December!) moved out to Philadelphia in January, 2008. Initially they rented an apartment and didn't have room for all of their stuff, so they kept quite a few things in my house, including a dining room set, china buffet, lots of lawn furniture, and multiple other items. This ended up being a blessing because their stuff was much nicer than mine. How convenient for staging once I put it on the market. Then Troy said he was going to rent a trailer and pick up his stuff once he came back for a visit over the weekend of July 4th. Well, shit. Perfect timing. Oh well, it's his stuff, not mine.

However, it ended up being a non-issue because after mulling it over the last week or so, last night I decided once and for all that I'm significantly slowing down the remodel project and will wait until next spring or whenever the house is damn well ready to put the house on the market. The stress was just too much, and it just isn't worth killing myself over it.

After I returned from a trip to ND for my 15 year high school class reunion and a huge Gibbens family reunion, I noticed Troy's grill sitting in my back yard and texted him. This is the screen shot from my phone (screenshots are another nifty built in feature on the Palm Pre).

Pork chop sandwiches

Oh shit! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!