Granola bar pride

Found on the desk of a coworker. I have no desire to discover what the "chocolate gems" are made of.

Blinds without you

Proper case Vertical Blinds for sale. Please ignore the spooky ghost and the dismembered fingers on the table. I only regret not taking more photos of them before we took them down.

Just the tip

Fuck Funai

Normally this is my niche, getting burned by a company and lighting them up in an enraged blog post. Unfortunately, two factors have prevented me from posting anything about this debacle. First, I simply have not had the time to write a blog post to do it justice. Much of my time writing about it has gone into writing complaints to the company and requesting help from various media watchdogs. Second, I will openly admit that this experience has pushed me over the edge from seething anger to an uncharacteristic feeling of helplessness and defeat. With all of the other stresses going on in my life right now, I do not have the emotional energy to expend on this. Which is a shame, because I normally can burn holes through concrete with my rage. Ang, however, summed it all up far better than I currently can.

Harsh system responses to stupid users

What I've learned so far

As we approach the final run toward putting the house on the market, hopefully by the end of May, I have taken an inventory of the skills I have put to use or learned for the first time while fixing up the shack.

-Electrical: Moved a wiring run that was in the middle of a wall I needed to knock out. Installed a new ceiling fan and myriad lights both inside and outside. Tracked down the cause of a dead circuit to a crumbling rejection base preventing the fuse from keeping contact. Learned what the hell a rejection base is. Suffered only one mild shock and caused only one pants-filling electrical arc.

-Tiling: Tiled, grouted, and sealed the backsplash in the kitchen. More of that skill will be needed for the kitchen floor and basement bathroom floor.

-Carpentry: I use this term very loosely, but framed the opening between the kitchen and dining room where I knocked the wall out. Helped install the kitchen cabinets. Cut and installed the crown trim for the kitchen cabinets. Cut and installed base moulding. Cut my fingers numerous times and pulled many a splinter from my not-so-delicate meat hooks.

-Stone work: I don't know what you'd call this, but I have to say one of the things I'm proudest of is cutting, polishing, and installing the granite for the kitchen and bathroom counters myself. Patience is not something I'm known for, but rushing through a cut or half-assing a measurement is not an option when working with granite. By the way, wait until you see the detailed beveled edges when I post photos of the bathroom counter. I went all fucking artisan on that shit. Like a sandwich artist except with granite and a college degree.

-Drywall, taping, and mudding: Yeah, so this one I learned I'm not so good at. At least not the really detailed stuff like corners. Oh, so many fucking corners in that kitchen wall opening. That project is still ongoing when it comes to the detail work. But maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist. This is why I will probably hire someone to do the basement ceiling for me.

-Painting: Painting, painting, painting. Brush, spray, and roller. I've painted many a wall in my day (sometimes without paint involved), but not to this extent. If there is an exposed surface in this house, it is getting painted. Walls? Painted. Upstairs bathroom vanity? Painted. Potted plants? Painted. Underwear on the floor. That shit is painted. And to think that the entire house remodel project started with a nightmarish aborted attempt at painting the kitchen cabinets last June.

-Plumbing: Sweating copper pipe with a propane torch is not as bad as I thought it would be. And I only set one accidental fire with the torch. *cough* This is why I kept an extinguisher within reach when I was sweating copper. This allowed installation of valves, a very novel concept in this house. Plumbing projects in years prior required turning off the main water valve, on one occasion forcing me to bathe like a hobo in a Cub Foods restroom sink in Eagan.

-Miscellanea: Overcame my well-earned fear of installing exterior doors. Took out my frustrations on previous door frame's concrete captor with a sledge hammer. Used same sledge hammer to drive a new mailbox post into the ground without hitting my foot so much as once. Learned to swear even louder and drive Ang from the room even quicker.

Meanwhile at Buffalo Wild Wings

Coworker asking server about the minimum number of wings in an order: What denomination do those come in again?

Me: Catholic.

Johnny Eff Dubz

Jeremy answers search engine queries typed with greasy faces and dry, cracked elbows

It's been many a moon since I've responded to poor, lost searchers of the web whose ham-fisted googling techniques landed them here, where reason, answers, and relevancy have retired, died, and rotted like a squirrel trapped in the attic with Grandma's bathing suit and will to live. So join me now, as I provide answers to the weary and stupid, even if they don't want to hear them.

"hairiest asshole women"

Honestly I couldn't tell you who the hairiest asshole women are, but that asshole soccer mom who drifted into my lane and almost took off my passenger side mirror the other day looked like a Yeti wearing a sweaty Robin Williams shawl.


"mr potato head on my dick"

Your dick specifically? I hate to break it to you pal, but you're not his type. He likes his spuds with a few more ruddy growths than you have.


"why do my dreapes not match the carpet"

Your dreapes do not match the carpet because, while they are made of the same material, they came from two different bolts of fabric, and one got stained with greape juice by an jittery eape. Clean the stained dreapes with Woolite and duct teape.


"fucking during periods time for girls"

Sir, if you are fucking during periods, then you are no fan of girls hockey.


"feels like something is stuck in urethra"

How are you feeling? With your finger? Because that's what stuck in your urethra, your finger. And a Grape Nut.


"afraid young cock"

These are tough times for young cock. Is it any wonder the up and coming generation of cocks are afraid? The economy's in the tank, and the job market for young cocks fresh out of college is dismal at best. But there is hope for afraid young cocks. Turn to Jesus Christ, confess your young cock sins, get married to your cock sweetheart, and exchange cock rings.


"tucking in penis"

When tucking in penis, give it a glass of warm milk. If penis refuses to go to bed, offer to read a chapter from penis's favorite book. Do not waver from the plan. Don't read more than one chapter, or penis will begin to understand that you are willing to let penis break the rules. Penis will push the boundaries further and further, until finally penis will refuse to go to bed at all.


"she shit fast fast no tolite paper"

She didn't just shit fast. She shit fast fast. She shit so fast that she was done before she realized there was no tolite anagram non-word paper. So she had to wipe her ass with a Kit Kat wrapper.


"free dating sit 2008/2009"

I'm a bit concerned about this one, friend. Any sit should be free. You have the right to sit free of charge because this is AMERICA god damn I said! Even a dating-related sit should be free. It's hard to afford your own sit, much less pay for your date's sit, as well. Not just in 2008 and 2009, but always was and always will be. FOREVER! ...Wait. That's not what you're talking about, is it? Oh, I get it. Sit like sit on your face. Well, shit dude, you're going to have to pay for her to do that on the first date.


"my vagin real vedio while the penis enter"

I'm not following. You want to videotape a vagina and wait for the penis to enter the room? Then what? Scripts aren't just about setup, pal. You need some conflicts, an ending, and dénouement. And just throwing it out there, but what if the penis enters the vagina repeatedly? That might make for some pretty compelling video. It might even accepted for posting by the internet.


"penis smells like baked beans"

Tell your wife to stop opening all of the canned goods and storing the contents in her lady void. And take a bar of soap to that thing now and again, will you?

New kitchen lights

What do you do with a shitty, 70s-looking rail and plexiglass monstrosity lit by no less than 6 fluorescent bulbs in three gigantic fixtures? You tear that shit out. The photo from my phone washes out the lights, but this rail and pendant light system from Ikea was just what the doctor ordered. It allowed me to center the lights to the recessed opening where the fluorescents were, despite the fact that the junction box was off to one side of it. And for $80, it was a cost-effective solution, as well.

Here is what it looked like 9 months ago:

Drag-inducing

Kitchen coming along nicely

This magazine is relevant to my interests

I'm not sure how I ended up with a subscription to Working Mother magazine. Perhaps I missed a checkbox when signing up for an email list or contest. Or maybe one of my friends is playing a joke on me. Either way, let it be known that the only working mothers I'm interested in reading about are lonely MILFs who order pizza so they can proposition the delivery guy and get pounded with a greasy length of hot italian sausage. He ruins her upholstery and her pizza with a rail gun-velocity beam of Campell's Chunky Clam Chowder, gets pissed when she doesn't tip, and wipes his dick off on her yipping Welsh Springer on the way out. Replace "reading about" with "delivering pizza to," and that about sums it up.

Drinking at the Department of Public Safety

I started using Mint.com a few months ago as a centralized way to view my finances. Mint can retrieve your balances for bank accounts, mortgages, credit cards, retirement accounts, student loans, PayPal, etc. You can even add assets like your home and car, giving you a bird's eye view of your broadly estimated net worth. Mint also stripes all of your financial transactions into a single timeline and allows you to generate reports on your spending habits. This really became useful last year when I was dead set on curbing my spending habits. It sickened me to see in black and white the amount of money I was spending eating and drinking out each month, for example.

One of Mint's annoying quirks is how it attempts to automatically categorize each transaction. 95% of the time it nails it. Eating at McDonald's gets categorized as "Fast Food," getting an oil change at Valvoline is categorized as "Auto parts and service," etc. However, sometimes it picks up only part of the transaction name and blatantly ignores the rest. I paid with my Visa for dinner at El Toro in Apple Valley a couple of weeks ago, and it picked it up as "Apple" and categorized it as "Electronics and Software." Uh, yeah. Fortunately, however, Mint lets you change categories yourself and gives you the option to apply a permanent filter for transactions with that name (i.e. always categorize transactions named "blah" as "Shopping").

This one really puzzled me though.



Paying for your auto registration and being charged by the Department of Public Safety = Boozing apparently. I have no idea what algorithm Mint uses to auto-categorize, but I assure you that if I spend $99 in one shot on booze, I'm either about to throw a party for a few dozen people at home, or I just won a scratch-off and am buying rounds of drinks at the bar.

That's all well and good, but...

...can it flush a turd the size of a loaf of Wonder Bread?


This Toilet Is Awesome - Watch more

A video tribute to my beard

And so ends my posts about my beard.

Introducing Regular Jeremy

Regular as in the original, old style Jeremy sans beard. Regular Jeremy loves you very much and is leaving a healthy surprise on your carpet as we speak.

Introducing Shitty Wolverine

Shitty Wolverine grew a beard as long as your pathetic dick, only thicker. His bones were coated with liquefied Funyuns in a horrificly torturous military experiment gone awry. Shitty Wolverine's powers include being able to heal from injury (at a normal pace like all humans), snatching your momma's knickers, and going to the bathroom a lot.

Daddy brought home somethin' from the toy store, boys

[link]

[link]

Introducing Aidan Whitman

Aidan Halston Whitman was a world champion alley boxer in 1880s Boston. Born in Ireland in 1862, Whitman began alley boxing in his formative and scrapped his way through the ranks to become the world champion by the time he was 25.

Simple beginnings

Aidan Whitman was born to a seamstress, Mary, and patty melt architect, Shamus, in the very wind-swept clover field in which he was conceived. In 1867, Ireland's economy was crippled by a cheese famine, collapsing the patty melt industry. Shamus packed up the family and headed to America where he found work as a President of the United States. Five-year old Aidan brought in extra money by tenderizing giraffe meat for hot dogs, also known as "Nathan Hale Dogs."

Rise to glory

Young Aidan's meat tenderizing skills caught the attention of a coworker, an avid alley boxing enthusiast. He invited Whitman to join him in a match. Whitman learned quickly and rose through the alley boxing ranks, beating one unfortunate drunk after another in alleys, and robbing them of their money and valuables, and leaving them to bleed copiously from turned-in noses and scalp lacerations. Just 10 years later, Aidan Whitman was declared the world champion of alley boxing, was captured and arrested by police. He was convicted on dozens of counts of robbery by thugocity and unlawful fisticuffery. He died in prison at age 29 of the walking clap.

Introducing Jacques-Yves Barbe-Menton

Jacques-Yves Barbe-Menton, a native of Quebec, spent most of his adult life illegally logging utility poles and bridge supports and selling them to Post-It mills in Newfoundland. Jacques-Yves, who goes by Jacques, once reduced a railroad bridge to kindling using only his trusty ax and his 20 foot tall purple yak named Tits. In addition to harvesting the bridge itself, Jacques waited for the next train, and watched it crash into the ravine below. He loaded up Tits the purple yak with thousands of tons of steel and iron, and sold the metal at a scrap yard for a tidy sum.

When utility poles and bridges ran thin for the season, Jacques was known to chase beaver. While many chasers would normally sell the pelt, once Jacques caught it, he took it to his cabin in the woods, pounded it into submission, then kicked it out of his house. He kept the pelt to clean the mess off of the hardwood.

In the winter of 2003, one of the beavers did not want to be caught and hit Jacques over the head with a snow shovel, knocking him forever cross-eyed. No longer able to see straight enough to skillfully swing an ax, Jacques sold Tits to a glue factory, bought a seeing eye marmot, and now travels Canada entering quick draw shooting shows and artisan chocolate competitions, sometimes tragically confusing the two.