POOP

Jeremy On the Fucking: Fucking Scott Joplin Style

Our topic today is fucking "Scott Joplin style," or fucking on the rag. This is a subject we've touched on here before, but I'm writing about it again for the sole purpose of the Scott Joplin bit. Long story short, go ahead and get hip deep in the Red River. Just be sure to put down a sandwich bag or something.

Afterglide.com official 2008 endorsements

Afterglide.com endorses... voting. Do it on Tuesday, November 4th. Afterglide.com also endorses an end to meandering political debate so he can get back to masturbating without images of an old, jowly white guy and a fit, handsome black man popping into his head. Questions have been raised. Questions that have already been answered, but questions, man. Sweet, sexy questions that end in a photo getting knocked off the wall from across the room. God damn. Now if you'll excuse me, it looks like I also ruined a couch cushion.

Hey! That guy is the guy who this guy says knows this other guy!

Recycled via Ang's blog. Click the image.

Incursion on the Neutral Zone

In a different area of our building than Stall Two, there is a bathroom tucked in a corner near a copy machine. It's lovely to think that someone copying an invoice for a client is getting an earful of jittering ass chatter, but this is restroom is lower on my desirable poop locales than Stall Two because it gets higher traffic from the largest department in our company. However, I often ponder whether I need to rethink my priority list, as the less-used Stall Two is typically full of someone's meaty butt chum, while the copier shitter is relatively clean. It's more likely to smell of recently evacuated summer squash, but clean nonetheless. Until today. I ventured into the copy crapper shortly after lunch to find the rim behind the seat littered with ass peanuts. Not just any ass peanuts, looonnnnng ass peanuts. Tightly rolled, brownish ass peanuts five times the width of the toilet paper. How is that possible? It was like Harry Potter had spilled a box of shitty magic wands back there. I tried picking one up to cast a spell of sanitation on the toilet, but it ended up backfiring and cast a spell of hepatitis on me.

Zombie Pub Crawl IV: Zombie Boogaloo

Better late than never come photos from last weekend's Zombie Pub Crawl IV in Minneapolis. It was the biggest ever crawl of the dead, by some accounts bringing the number of zombies to 4 digits, or at least quite close.

We started the day by have some grilled meats and beers before getting our makeup on at Taylor's place.

Ang the headbanging zombie says fuck grilled meat. She wants raw brains.


Jeremy the citizen journalist zombie was covers a story for The BrainTake.


Gold Medal Park once again teemed with the undead.


Zombie DrUncle Sam does what Zombie DrUncle Sam does, he drinks.


Somewhere... out there... there are... brains. Oh yes, there are.


My press pass shows how it all began. It was Ang who bit me. That bitch!


Ang drinks from a fishbowl at Preston's.


It's hard to look horrifying when you're drinking a fruity blue drink through a straw.


Zombie nurses, who left before I could get my camera ready, handed out HPV info and condoms.


"What dis? Arrunngghhh... PPPFFFT!! Taste like summer camp, not brains."


Zom-BEES!!! Get it? Huh?


Zombie Jeremy's teeth are yellow from eating rotting flesh and smoking 3 packs of brains a day.


Zombie G.


My. Fucking. Eyes. And if you're looking at the chick on the phone, you're looking too far to the left and too far up. And you're blind. See it yet? There, now you're blind again.


Zombies like Chipotle burritos because the brains are grass fed and hormone free.


Somehow we found each other.


MMMMM!!!! ZJ eats the shit out of that fucking thing.


Oh boy! I can't wait to take another bite--aw, shit. I got brain blood all over it.

First of the new cabinets up (updated with pics)

Looking good!

UPDATE: Today I helped Ed, who was recommended by Ranty, install the amazing new custom oak cabinets he built for my kitchen. Here are the results.

Roomba by the tomatoes

Is that sanitary? Seen Wednesday in the kitchen at Khan's Mongolian Barbeque in Richfield.

Sometimes you sacrifice the wrong things

Since most of my cash dollar monies have been pumped into my house, one sacrifice has been my clothing budget. I have holes in pretty much every pair of underwear and non-dress socks I own, my sneakers have holes in them, and I've been wearing the same jeans every day for months as the other pairs simply became too ragged and fell out of the rotation. As a result, there is a now a big hole in the seam in the crotch of my jeans. I know this happened just today, because I saw that my jeans were fine when I pooped this morning. Thankfully this is not a visibly dire emergency, but it means I'll be making a quick trouser stop after work. And also buying pants. Hey-ohhhhh!

Quick answer to question about Jana Shortal

Will KARE11's Jana Shortal become the new Sven Sundgaard in terms of office chatter and swirling rumors? I don't know, but today I received a google search referral for "jana shortal sexuality." To answer your question, Jana Shortal is very sexual. Thanks for playing the "ask an irrelevant question, get an irrelevant answer" game. Join us tomorrow, when we play a rousing game of catch-penis.

Top authority

Thanks to Matt, who discovered that doing a Google Maps search for Tacoville in Lakeville shows a single review, which is from an aggregation site that references my Tacoville review (well, technically my preview). The best part? The excerpt shown. "Do you like spicy meat in a tortilla? Or maybe some veggies in a tortilla? Or the feeling of a warm tortilla squeezed between your eager buttocks on a frigid January day..."

UPDATE: It now appears that the Google Maps results point directly to my blog.

Click for larger image:

Dear readers, [insert letter to readers here]

More than likely, you will be seeing several of these apologies for lack of posting throughout the winter and early spring as I continue to work on fixing up my home so I can put it on the market in the spring (pending an evaluation of the housing market and economy conditions in general at that time). I'm in a tough spot. All of my energy is going into my job and house, leaving me creatively stunted. My shitzwack, and I know it.

Here's the lowdown: Friday I am scheduled to help a custom cabinet maker install new cabinets. As I believe I mentioned here before, I gave the fuck up on refinishing the old cabinets. You can put lipstick on a dirty hobo's ass, but it's still a dirty hobo's ass. Plus you just ruined perfectly good lipstick. What the hell is wrong with you? There are ugly, ugly singing children in China who could really use that lipstick. And you just adulaterated it with unbuttered hobo crust. Anyway, I will save on labor costs by helping with the install, as well as all the work I've done tearing out the old cabinets (I saved a couple, but pretty much had to demo the rest, as I didn't have time to be all Johnny Gingerfingers about it), patching up the walls, moving water pipes and electrical lines, so on and so forth.

Let's break down the realized and predicted financial hemorrhaging for just the kitchen, shall we? For no other reason than to keep me honest and accountable to myself (and to brag about my DIY skills and thrift). I'll bold a few particularly interesting (well, I find them interesting) and important items.

Custom cabinets (unfinished)	$3,800
Cabinet installation (w/ my assistance)	$250
Wall knockdown between kitchen and dining room	$0
Two 10' 2x4s for reframing kitchen/dining opening (also reused 2x4s previously torn out)	$8
Drywall for finishing kitchen/dining opening	$20
Junction boxes and new electrical wiring (to redo half-assed wiring job of previous owner)	$50
New valves for copper pipes, flux, solder, and propane torch for sweating	$25
Outside and inside corner bead (for finishing drywall corners for kitchen/dining opening and wall corners in kitchen)	$15
One 5.6' x 4' finished slab of black granite pre-cut for a kitchen island and cooktop	$45 (that is not a typo -- forty-five fucking dollars; this would be about $1,300 installed)
Meals for two friends who helped move granite island countertop	$45
Two 8.3' x 2.5' finished slabs of black granite countertop	$400 (I got it brand new from a builder who had some left over -- conservatively, this would cost over $2,500 installed!!!)
Truck rental to move the 8.3' granite countertops	$45
Meals for friend who helped move 8.3' countertops	$20
Continuous diamond-tipped circular saw blade for cutting granite	$40
Angle grinder bits (various grits) for finishing cut granite	$100
Slate tile for floor	$280
2"x2" slate tile backsplash	$120
Tile adhesive	$50
Tile grout	$50
Other tiling materials	$30
Off-the-shelf 60" cabinet for use as island	$150
Materials for finishing side and rear of 60" cabinet	$50
Stain and polyurethane for cabinets	$100
New, smaller 30" ceramic cooktop for island	$25 (purchased used)
One 30" motorized downdraft vent for cooktop and island	$25 (purchased used) (these cost about $300 or more new)
Flexible duct for downdraft vent	$20
Primer and paint	$40
Door handles and drawer pulls for cabineta	$150
Assorted other tools and materials	$200
Sold old cooktop on craigslist	(-$100)
Sold corner china hutch that came with kitchen	(-$40)
TOTAL	$6,013

Estimated cost saved by DIY: $11,000 (including money saved on the granite countertops)

So there you have it. A $17k kitchen remodel (including money saved on the granite countertops) for $6k

Minnesota Governor signs historic bill into law

At a Tuesday morning ceremony at the state capitol building, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty signed legislation making car-on-hole rape illegal. The crime of Criminal Vehicular Sexual Assault applies to any act in which a driver uses his or her motor vehicle, including cars, golf carts, tractors, and mowers, to sexually penetrate another individual against his or her will. The law is known as Chester's Law, named after Chester Vanhoven, who died when his inebriated ex-girlfriend, Sherri Lipschitz repeatedly rammed the front end of her 1977 Chevy Impala into Vanhoven's rectum with clutch-grinding quick shifts between 1st and reverse. Vanhoven had recently had an order of protection placed on Lipschitz after she drove a Power Wheel into his mouth.

Zombie Pub Crawl IV (preview)

Just a preview of the photos to come.

Obama's numbers sliding

A USA Today poll released today shows Democratic candidate Barack Obama quickly losing ground in the presidential race. Numerous pundits have suggested that this comes as a result of a Thursday protest organized by third-party candidate Ralph Nader, who accused Obama of "palling around" with John McCain. "Isn't it convenient that Barack Obama and John McCain are both employed by the federal government? Not only that, but I have documents proving that Barack Obama and John McCain both work in the same branch of government. They even work in the same building. We need to know more about Senator Obama's relationship with John McCain. How far back does this go? Can we afford to have a president who consorts with the likes of John McCain?"

Meanwhile, the news sent poll numbers for John McCain soaring. Amidst the morning caffeine seekers in an Omaha, Nebraska Starbucks this morning, 35 year old accountant Leanna Charles, who does not affiliate herself with any political party, said, "I had my reservations about McCain before I'd heard [about his relationship with Obama]. But this changes everything. I didn't know he hung out with Obama. That's pretty cool. I'll definitely vote for him now."

While neither Senator Obama or Senator McCain's campaign spokespeople responded to requests for comment on this story, McCain himself was seen this morning doing cartwheels in a Walgreens parking lot while Obama simply dropped his jaw in shock, letting his chewing gum tumble out.

Redefined job description

Poor Jameson. Not long ago, a hapless woman within the company emailed him, informing him that the toilet in the women's restroom was running non-stop, and would he be a lambykins and go elbow deep in the tank to see what the problem was? First, I'm not sure when IT became the toilet repair squad. Second, it's the women's shitter. C'mon, lady! That one topped the time someone attempted to submit an actual work order in our system asking that we salt the icy sidewalk outside before a manager practically smacked her upside the head with her keyboard.

Today someone plugged Stall Two but good, so I assigned Jameson the following work order:

Assigned To: Jameson

Assigned By: Jeremy

Description: Stall Two Backup

Category: Power & Industry

Priority:000-ZOMG

Details: Stall Two plugged. Need a strapping lad with a strong arm and a firm grip to go fishing for the culprit and his partner.

By the way, "ZOMG" is an actual priority in our work order system.

Republican mailer

Usually I don't like to get terribly political here, but I opened my mailbox today to find this mailer from the Republican Party of Minnesota. I was struck by the caption and photo on the left.


Now, forget about the legitimacy of the claim for that this particular candidate, incumbent State Representative Sandra Masin of District 38A, is for wasteful welfare spending. Take a look at this greasy meat head. Ass glued to his duct-taped couch, remote at the ready for flipping through game shows, Oprah, and reruns of CHiPs all day while messy, greasy potato chip crumbs tumble onto his stinky wife beater. Oh, and he's drinking a Red Stripe and is Detective Stabler from Law & Order SVU for some reason. To me, this says that the Republican Party of Minnesota sees all recipients of welfare as lazy, slovenly dirtballs. Really? Sure there are habitual abusers and deceivers of the welfare system, but are you telling me that every single person on welfare doesn't actually need the help?

And let's just cut straight to it, I feel like they used a skinny white guy in this ad because they knew if they created the ad they really wanted (see below), they'd be exposed in the hotel hallway for what they really are.

Magic Rub

Will clean for boobs

Help this chick on Craigslist get a new rack. She'll clean your house, dust your knick knack, file a paper, and polish your staff. Seems like a pretty good deal to me. My house is kind of messy, and I'm pretty good with chloroform and a steak knife.

I am trying to get breast implants, but don't exactly have the money. Would love to trade for housekeeping services etc... I can also do random handy work. I have excellent administrative skills as well so perhaps a surgeon who needs to have filing system revamped would be a good trade. All offers considered.

Jeremy responds to forum posts about dogs with pooping problems

User Roscosmom at the Got Rat Terrier forum writes:
Rosco is just over a year old and about 3 or 4 months ago he started having pain when pooping. The first few times he did this he'd let out a loud squeal and run as far as the leash would let him.

You know, if I were a far more evil person, I would suggest getting a longer leash so Rosco can make it to traffic. Then you'd really see some shit fly!

I took him to the vet to see what was wrong but he couldn't find anything. It kept up but not as severe on the pain but I feel there should be no pain so a few weeks later I took him back and he saw a different vet in the same office.

Did anyone else understand that?

This time I wanted him xrayed to try to find the reason. He said he couldn't fine anything wrong but there has to be. I told the Vet about my husband teasing me bout him being so spoiled and it's made him a wimp and he said he had to agree with husband. Well I think they are both nuts! He's a spoiled Mamma's Baby but I don't think it's causing the discomfort.I felt like smacking that last vet!

You need to report that vet to the American Legion. Just because you're done fighting in the war doesn't absolve you of your responsibility to go over and kick this crazy bitch's husband's ass into his sternum for making fun of her dog's pooping abilities.

Sometimes his poop is firm (but never dry)sometimes not so firm but seldom runng and always well lubricated so we know his anal glands are working good.

Firm but never dry, sometimes not so firm, but seldom running, and always well lubricated, and partially sometimes mildly greasy but never seldom gravelly or possibly consistently inconsistently solid.

The pain is definitely coming from his anus because that's where he turns his head looking for the source of the pain. He still squeals occassionally.Because of this he hates to poop.

Are you sure you're not just making him nervous by standing directly behind him whenever he shits? I'd look back, squeal, and hate pooping if you watched me do it, too.

Sometines he'll sit or lay down to keep from walking cause he knows if he walks he'll have to poop. Those times I have to pick him up and carry him to the grass, put him down and gently tug on his leash till he starts moving and often he only takes a few steps before pooping. Why does he hate so much to poop and what do you suggest I do about it. Above all, what could be causing the pain? I hate to keep spending money I can't afford but I want my furbaby to be painfree. Any help here??\

Now I'm confused. Are we still talking about your dog? I'm not sure where the Furby came into the picture. Because Furby's don't poop. Unless you upgrade it with the brown Play-Doh butthole attachment. Even then, you'll still have to set him in the grass because he isn't going to walk over there himself. He's a pooping Furby, not a walking Furby.

More shit for sale

Some crystal wine glasses and far less classy Return of the Jedi glasses from Burger King circa '83. On a per unit basis, however, the Star Wars glasses are more valuable.

You are the mayor of AIDS town

I know you weren't elected, but you need to buck up and fucking attend these city council meetings here, man. The citizens of AIDS town expect some reassurance in these tough economic times. First Tuesday of every month. Be there. Because you, sir, are the mayor of AIDS town.

Hanging at Tom Petters' mom's house

Now I'm no fancy citified 'lectrical engineer, but...

...this wirin' sitcheeation I discovered while trackin' down t'other side of a cord of a Grain Belt beer sign hangin' on the wall behind the dry bar in my basement-- well, it jus' don't seem right, son.



Well, hey there, little feller! Looks like we have ourselves a spliced wire connected to the prongs of the sign's 'lectric cord. Ain'tcha ever heard of an extension cord, previous owner of my house?


Seriously, dude. Hick schtick aside, what kind of dumbass motherfucker are you? You really thought this was a good idea? Were you too cheap to buy an extension cord, or just too dumb to worry about burning down the house? And this wasn't the only little extracurricular dipshit wiring exercise I found down there. Don't worry, future owner of my house, I got this shit covered. J. Skidz got your fuckin' back.

For sale: guns and a hutch

Time to clear out some room in Maison d'Afterglide and line my linty pockets with musty cash money. I'll probably have a few other things here and there over the coming months.

• J. Stevens Arms 20 gauge shotgun, break action - exact model # unknown - $70
• Marlin Model 336 rifle, .22, lever action - $180
• This corner china hutch (see Flickr for higher res photo)- Make me an offer

Also, I will be pulling out these kitchen cabinets, the subject of an aborted painting attempt, over the next couple weeks to clear room for my new custom cabinets. Strip them and start over or touch up the scuffs and slap on some polyurethane. If you are interested, drop me a line, and I'll give you priority before I throw them up on craigslist.

Also, penis. That is all.

Shirt bib keeps your shirt clean

How did I get here? Why am I eating pie?We've all been there. The last melty spoonful of rocky road ice cream drips onto your favorite sweater. A little drop of pasta sauce falls onto your freshly pressed dress shirt. A splash of red wine stains your khaki trousers. Now we could cover ourselves in trash bags or lobster bibs every single time we eat, but why look like a complete buffoon when could be wearing a Shirt Bib? Shirt Bib protects you from cherry pie, grape juice, and Dr Pepper stains while making it look like you are wearing a shirt. Can't leave grandpa alone without him splattering his shirt with bacon grease and horseradish? Shirt Bib! Do you return from an 8 day meth-smoking jag to find your toddler's jumper covered with spit-up and feces? Shirt Bib!

Want to prevent unsightly stains on your Shirt Bib? We also sell the Shirt Bib Bib. It's the bib that looks like a Shirt Bib. Actually it's more of a Dickie Bib come to think of it.

Romper Room

Tonight I was reading an article that had a mention of Romper Room in it. I have vague recollections of Romper Room as a child, namely seeing it when we visited friends with satellite television. Not the little pizza box sized dishes of today, the gigantic fucking quarter-Death Stars that could control Skylab and shoot down Russian ICBMs after a game of tic-tac-toe. In any case, I perused the Wikipedia entry about Romper Room and discovered this gem of a story:

"The Japanese version had a controversial episode; when hostess Midori Utsumi (second hostess) asked the kids, Tell me a word that begin with "Ki" (き or キ). A boy answered with "kintama" (testicles). Miss Midori replied "Do you know any words that are more beautiful?" The same boy responded with "kireina kintama!" ("beautiful testicles"; the word "kireina" (beautiful) also begins with "Ki"). After a commercial break, the boy was replaced with a teddy bear."

Believe it or not, while "beautiful testicles" are hilarious, I find the funniest part of the story to be the image of a little boy being unceremoniously replaced with an inanimate teddy bear.

"Should we just yank him when we go to commercial?"

"No, no. That doesn't seem insulting or obvious enough. Let's replace him with a teddy bear."

"Ha! That'll serve that testicle-lovin' motherfucker!"

"Indeed."

It's ok, people. Just start doing what you did before.

There are reports of $2.99 gas in some areas of the metro. It seems plausible since gas was $3.09 at several stations in Lakeville this morning. So it's officially over. I'll bet you feel pretty fucking stupid for trading in your double-engined Lincoln Navigator now, don't you? I foresee mass abandonment of hybrids by the side of the road and upon clovered hillocks. I, for one, am going to take my gas-sipping 4-cylinder coupe to the old trash burning pit on the family farm, douse it in paint thinner, and light it ablaze. Then I'll take the insurance money and use it to buy a spare tire for a Land Rover. It'll have to be a used tire though.

Jack-o-Lantern Off

Last night we invited Max, Coco, Connie, and Ioannis over to carve inappropriate jack-o-lanterns, or if you will, dirty pumpkins. Prior to everyone's arrival, I was inspired by the aforementioned phrase to create a drink called the Dirty Pumpkin. The only dirty thing I could think of was to try to make it a dirty martini. Slap some gin in there, olive brine, cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, and an olive garnish, and you have a delightful drink that tastes as ungodly horrible as it sounds. I gave Ang a sip, and she nearly vomited on the couch.

The evening was a nice break in my own home away from the ongoing renovation projects and was an excellent excuse to give things a long overdue tear of organization, vacuuming, dusting, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, and disinfecting. This is the cleanest my house has been in months. This will last 48 hours before it's covered in drywall dust, nails, and hobo turds.

Connie supervises and Ang documents as Coco gets stabby with a pumpkin and Max does some sort of spoonless hand jam.


Max gets turned on when Coco cuts gourds.


Ioannis grins knowingly before he unveils his naughty lantern.


To be honest, I'm not sure what my jack-o-lantern is doing. He either just has some sort of pumpkin penis for a mouth, or he is eating a severed dick attached to a bulbous uni-ball.


This is why I don't want to go to prison... for less than 30 years.


Ioannis goes all Matrix on his shit.


Blam! Ioannis reveals his nasty stank spread-eagle ho pumpkin. I'm not sure why she doesn't have a head though. Maybe it's actually a Butterball?


Ang attempted to create a pumpkin with the word "BOOBS" carved into it, but the first 'B' got messed up, so she had to make big square eyes and dedicate it to METAL! It's not explicitly declared, but specifically she meant vagina metal. Meanwhile, Coco's devil dances about, dragging along his gigantic, burdensome demon cock.


Oh, mouth wang pumpkin, look at the mess you made. Have you no self-control?


Ladies and gentleman, the dirty pumpkins!

Bend over, and while you're at it, multitask by sucking on this

Just when the stress of the home renovations were about to reach their peak (basically I decided to give up on painting the cabinets and tear them out in favor of having custom cabinets built), comes news that could be a breaking point for me financially. In preparation for selling the house, I scheduled a furnace inspection and tune-up. Within 15 minutes of his arrival yesterday, David from Residential Heating and Air Conditioning in Minneapolis found a gigantic fucking crack in my heat exchanger. This is the death knell for a furnace, and potentially for its owners since it could allow carbon monoxide build-up in the house. The cost of replacing the heat exchanger, assuming they could find one for my 40 year old furnace, would run well over $2,000, if not close to $2,500. The cost of installing a new furnace would run $3,000 if I went on the low end with an 80% efficiency model instead of a high-efficiency unit. The cabinets, which are already on the schedule, would run $4,000. Given what I've spent on the yard and other projects this month, that pretty much breaks the bank, then returns with a sledgehammer to smash it into smaller pieces, grinds it into a fine powder with a mortar and pestle, then snorts it through a straw off a mirror at a techno music-driven party in a suite at a sterile boutique hotel.

So I'm asking you, dear readers, for help. If you know of a place or way I can get an inexpensive but reliable furnace, even if it's used, along with installation from a reputable source, I'm all ears. Residential Heating and Air Conditioning is extremely highly rated on Angie's List, but I need to explore my options before committing to a $3k razor blade in my urethra.

Incidentally, I was also scheduled for a separate HVAC duct cleaning appointment (on my house, not a euphemism for my butthole) from Residential H & AC yesterday, and when the guy showed up, he saw that I had drywall in various stages of being torn down and put up, he insisted on coming back after I had finished those projects, as the dust from the drywall would surely settle in the ducts. He said he would rather waste the trip (and he did not use the word "waste") out to my house than waste my money when he'd have to come back and do it again in a few months. He didn't refuse to do the work, but gave me the strongly recommended opt-out at no charge, and I took it. So thanks to him for his honesty. Guess who I'll be calling again to clean the ducts when the drywall is done.

"Do you really have to pee in a girl's mouth to make babies?"

If you're a fan of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, then you likely have already seen this one. I find myself constantly struggling to love them enough to become fanatically devoted or hate them enough to stop watching. Their lows are interminable, and their highs are moments of surrealist comedy genius. Like this one, starring a fellow you might recognize.

Powder my delicate

It seems we have a new mystery pooper in Stall Two. Yesterday I went in there to relinquish an unpleasantry and noticed what appeared to be a popped blueberry stuck to the rear of the bowl above the water line. Except this blueberry was a brownberry and undoubtedly not something I would want to eat or bake into a pectin-filled pie. Did this brownberry come hurtling out of the dude's ass and hit the ceramic directly? Or did it hit the water at a shallow enough angle to skip along its surface like a flat ass rock?

Also it's slightly disturbing that my favorite brand of bread is Brownberry. Dropped you a plug, motherfuckers. Send over the free loaves.