Yes, I may. Very kind of you to let me forcefully take it from you. I assure you I will misuse it in ways that would make an unpowdered business park whore glisten like a dewy cow teat. What are you forgiving me for? Being busy with work and home renovations to the point that I have little time to blog or slap my dick against the neighbor's car hood. These are little pleasures I miss.

October is going to prove to be the most challenging month so far in terms of the amount of shit I have to accomplish. In other words, AAAAUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! So bear with me. I'll have stories to tell.

And man, is Dr Evil buff! Hoo-da thunkit?

I must crow over this particular project. Eight years ago when I first bought my house, I replaced the hollow core entry door between the garage and kitchen with a solid door myself, and it was a total clusterfuck. The door is there, and it works well, but the process was so horrific that I vowed to never install another door as long as I lived. Fast forward to today. I'm 8 years wiser when it comes to home improvement in general, and I felt I could do this motherfucker. It took me 4 hours, which is much longer than it would take a pro (for most doors), but here's the breakdown:

45 minutes removing the old frame, including discovering that the concrete garage floor was poured after the original door was installed, and the bottom of the frame was EMBEDDED IN THE FUCKING CONCRETE!!! But I got that shits out, yo.

15 minutes measuring and cutting the opening about three-quarters of an inch wider, as the original door was a smaller, non-standard size.

1.5 hours chipping away the concrete floor with a sledge hammer to get the right opening height (I deemed this easier that reframing the door, as there was a shitload of electrical wiring running directly above the existing door frame.

1.5 hours doing various finish work, caulking, filling in the excavated concrete, etc.

Tools and materials used: crowbar, hammer, sledge hammer, drill, circular saw, table saw, chisel, 2x4, door shims, concrete patch, door caulking

Congratulations, me. You deserve this honor. [shakes own penis]

I'm sorry to announce that all the porn has been made. We've simply run out of ideas. Butt sex, ear to dick contact, shit eating, animal crushing, furries, entangled wang, and hobo murder porn have filled the range of niche erotica, and in these tough economic times, there is simply no profit in continued production of pornography. We'd like to thank you for your patronage over the years and hope that you continue to enjoy the porn we have already made. If your porn is still under warranty or is covered by an extended masturbation plan, we will continue to provide technical support and lubrication services until your porn's service period ends. If your pornography cannot be repaired, unfortunately we will no longer be able to replace it with the same or a similar product. In such a case, you will receive a coupon for 50 cents off an 18 oz box of Cheerios and an unsatisfying dry tug.

Once again, thank you so much for enjoying our products over the last 169 years. It has truly been a joy and a privilege to serve your needs.

Adverbly,

Jeremy Q. Afterglide
President of Porn

Many moons ago, I created drawings of disturbing people I called "poop babies." Tonight, I start the task anew.

In West Virginia, Jose Cruz was arrested on suspicion of driving while intoxicated. While being fingerprinted, Mr. Cruz farted loudly and malodorously on arresting patrolman Parsons, then continued to wave farty air toward Patrolman Parsons. Mr. Cruz, while Ang, who was the first to send me this link earlier today, may think that you are my hero, I think you are a classless horse clump. Farting on an officer of the law, or anyone else just trying to do their job, is no laughing matter. Farting is an act of intimate rage or insult that is only for younger brothers watching cartoons or for hapless wives and girlfriends with heads lodged under heavy quilted blankets. If you're going to fart on someone, fart on the right person for the right reason. Don't fart lightly.

I just got back from a quality dump in Stall Two (why I continue to throw my health and safety to chance in there, I have no idea). Upon finishing my dump and washing my hands, I naturally thought to myself, "You know, a Snickers bar would be really good right about now." I fished out my wallet to check if I had enough dollar bills for a candy bar and a beverage. As I flipped through my slender wad of cash, I heard the sound of a toilet running and returned to Stall Two to poke my head in for an investigation. At that moment, one of the VPs walked in holding a Zip-Loc bag full of assorted candy in various states of partial consumption. He, with his bag of candy, and I, with my fluttering fan of cash, agreed that something sketchy was going down and that as far as we knew, neither of us had ever been in there.

So I tore a wall out. This project has been on my "someday I'd really like to..." list from the day I bought my house back in 2000. Now that I'm going to be selling it, opening up the floor plan a little seems like the thing to do.

Here's the wall between the kitchen and dining room just after I started taking the molding off of the "window" between the two rooms. Notice how the door between the two rooms is way off the the right and is directly next to the fridge. If someone has the fridge door open, no one gets in or out of the kitchen.



View from the opposite side, including the infamous chicken weather vane wallpaper. One of my concerns was the pair of electrical outlets, one on each side of the wall, directly below the window thing. Fortunately, that was the end of the line for that circuit, so I just cut the power, yanked the outlets, and ended that wire in a junction box. I may put one of the outlets back elsewhere or disconnect that wire from the "upstream" outlet altogether though, just to be anal retentively safe.


Boom! That shit is GONE. I left the supporting 2x4s in until I can get one in along the top for support. Gotta love that mess I left.


From here, you can really see how this is going to open things up. I'd love to do the same thing between the kitchen living room (the living room is to the right on the other side of the wall), but I'm only so confident in my carpentry skills. I may still cut a bar-type opening between the two rooms, so there is still wall there, but that is low, low, low priority compared to other projects I need to finish.

And don't worry too much about the hardwood floor. It's pretty scuffed up already and will get a nice chemical refinishing sometime in the next few months.


Here is the other relatively minor pain in the ass. This is the wiring that leads to the kitchen light and the dining room light. This will need to be moved over about three feet to get it out of the way.


This is a pretty exciting project in terms of the impact it will have to the flow of the floor plan. And, save any major surprises (and you NEVER have surprises -- right? RIGHT?), this will all cost me less that $100 when it's all said and done. I can reuse the existing 2x4s and even some of the drywall that I cut out instead of knocked out. I also have scrap drywall in the garage. Additionally all of the molding that was ripped out will be reused and cut to size where necessary. No fucking around installing new molding and trying to match the existing color. Supplies for finishing the opening will include a 10 foot 2x4, a spool of electrical wiring, conduit, drywall tape, drywall mud, and outside corner supports. And nails and screws, of course. More photos to come as this project progresses.

My first version of the DeRusha shoes was rejected by Zazzle for having photos of a celebrity and for "inappropriate" material, which I would surmise would be the cartoon guy using the toilet. My second version, in which I made no direct mention of Jason, didn't make it past the Zazzle nazis either. Check 'em out. This photo on the side of the shoe courtesy Aaron.

What do you say, WCCO? Help me out on this one. The world needs DeShoes.

Click image for larger version.

What it lacks in cargo space it makes up for in window opening abilities. And yes, I knew ahead of time that this is what I would have to do to get this thing home. So if you ever need a single 10 foot 2x4 hauled, you know who to call.

Several friends and coworkers are absolutely apeshit over the recently released Spore, a game in which you create your own complex creatures that evolve into an advanced society as gameplay progresses. Some of this buzz came as a result of the free Spore Creature Creator tool that was available in advance of the game itself. Thousands, if not millions of perverts used this program to create creatures that were just big penises, boob monsters, and other adult-themed beings that came to be known as "Sporn." I downloaded the Creature Creator the other day and tried my own hand at some Sporn. This happy fellow is called the Selfock. He has a very special talent. Can you guess what it is?

Also known as a brown sock.

Ladies! Are you on the cutting edge of fashion? Are you hip to the google webs and intertubes? Do you never have enough pairs of shoes? Well, have I got a treat for you. Introducing Jason DeRusha Shoes for Gals. These comfortable canvas Keds can be worn at school, around the office, while getting funky on the dance floor, or even to a formal event like the regional Emmys. Each pair of Jason DeRusha Shoes for Gals comes printed Jason's handsome visage, a duck, and a guy laying down an impenetrable wall of fudgy cover fire. Jason DeRusha Shoes for Gals retail for just $60, so get them while you can!

Click the image for a larger view:

And the winnner of the caption contest, with 30 votes out of 59, is Corey Anderson. Corey wins himself a lovely 15 oz "I pooped in your coffee" mug emblazoned with the afterglide logo and a little poop monster. The retail value of this mug is $14.95, so I would advise Corey to consult with his accountant and tax attorney. Also, I would wash that mug reeeaaally thoroughly before using it. Focus on the brown smudges inside first, then work your way up to the ring of dried "mustard" near the top.

Here's the full breakdown:

"I should dry this and make a candle out of it." -Corey Anderson
30 votes (50%)

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh so that is why the doctor said I should wear the hernia belt." -Mylesfromnowhere
12 votes (20%)

"Shit, I know I shouldn't have kept putting off making that appointment with my urologist." -Dana Lord
17 votes (28%)

Votes so far: 59

I'll bet this party had a lot of crashers. Seen at Mounds and 6th St in St Paul.

But I can't decide which end I'll start from.

I... I don't even know where to begin. This one... I...

Ok, so I know exactly where to begin. For the love of the blessed Virgin Mary, THROW THIS GOD DAMN THING AWAY!!!


I can't decide if this person is desperate for money, or is a pack rat who refuses to throw anything away unless someone else can take it, promising to make use of it. But when you are selling a used litter box that can be purchased for $15 or $20 brand new and are asking $9, could you at least learn how to rotate a photo so it appears upright? Or, oh I don't know, hose out the quarter-inch thick layer of cat shit? By the way, I certainly hope you never start a restaurant. The health department wouldn't agree that a plate of food caked in animal feces is in "good condition."



I've bought and sold my fair share of stuff on craigslist, but you have to wade through hundreds of posts where the item is such utter trash that it should be thrown away. Either the seller has a confoundingly inflated sense of the item's worth ("35 year old hollow core door. Split completely in two, paint stains all over it. $350"), or they ask less than $10 for something that not only should be incinerated on the spot, but that no one would take if you paid THEM to take it.

But at least this guy posted photos. One of my other craigslist pet peeves is people who close their text-only ad with "I have pics, just ask." If you have photos, then just fucking post them! If I have to ask, I'm not going to ask. This is the internet. Learn how to use it, jackass.

I alluded to this earlier today on Twitter, but occasionally the developers in our group end up conducting technical interviews with prospective hires. Based in today’s interview, let it be known that when asked a simple question, regardless of its content, the incorrect answer is to sit in 40 minutes of torturously silent contemplation before saying nothing but “Uhhhhmmmm...” Also, spinning your chair so you’re facing almost completely away from the interviewers and all but staring out the window might be a poor answer. But probably the worst answer to our question would be to make a fart noise with your mouth (or raspberry if you prefer). In fact, one particularly ruthless interviewer might actually write your answer in his notepad as “fart noise,” while another equally ruthless interviewer in the room might write down “mouth poops” (where might = we totally did). But at least the poor guy had a quality handshake.

Most folks with even a passing knowledge of HTML are familiar with how to create a list on a web page. There is the ordered list, sometimes referred to as an enumerated list, which automatically numbers the list items.

Ordered List HTML:
<ol>
 <li>Turd</li>
 <li>Log</li>
 <li>Steamer</li>
</ol>

Result:

1. Turd
2. Log
3. Steamer

Additionally there is the unordered list, which is simply a bullet point list. Just replace the <ol>...</ol> tags with <ul>...</ul>

I'm quite proud to say that I was a member of the consortium that created the latest version of HTML, which includes my creation, the unencumbered list (<uel>...</uel>):

Well, after much delay (it's been a ridiculously busy week), I have finally narrowed down the entries to the jism of the crop for you to vote on. Vote for your favorite below. The winner gets a 15 oz "I Pooped In Your Coffee" mug. And who knows, maybe some actual poop in the mug. I can't guarantee it will be fresh, but if not, I'll pop it into the microwave before I present it to you (or mail it to you, or whatever).

Here is the original image:


And here are the three captions.

Option 1:
"I should dry this and make a candle out of it."
  Corey Anderson

Option 2:
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh so that is why the doctor said I should wear the hernia belt."
  -Mylesfromnowhere

Option 3:
"Shit, I know I shouldn't have kept putting off making that appointment with my urologist."
  -Dana Lord

Vote now on the right side of this page. Voting will close Friday, September 12th, 2008 at 11:59 pm. The winner will be notified by email and announced here within a "reasonable" amount of time thereafter (where "reasonable" means somewhere between an hour to 12 years).

Casperson Boat Launch in Lakeville

Seen in Lakeville. So they couldn't have labeled it "Creamer" or "Non-Dairy Creamer?" Whitener? Are they just mixing plaster into the coffee?

Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer has been placed on the DL for what manager Ron Gardenhire is calling a case of "season-ending diarrhea." Gardenhire went on to explain, "Best we can tell, Joe had himself a couple bad fish tacos Tuesday night and messed his uniform pants pretty good." When asked why Mauer, fresh from that evening's away game against the Toronto Blue Jays, was still wearing his uniform, Gardenhire refused to speculate, only indicating that it was against the Twins organization's policies to wear the team uniform while eating any food containing cumin, capsaicin, or beans. He also indicated that Mauer's situation wasn't "so much an injury as a case of not having a replacement uniform." Mauer has ruined a total of 5 pairs of uniform pants in similar incidents this season.

Today I made what will be my one and only venture into downtown St Paul until after the Republican National Convention packs up and leaves town. Between half the streets being shut down and anarchist "protesters" rioting and damaging private property for no good reason other than to cause chaos, I will stick to restricting myself to Ang's neighborhood. The worthy exception, of course, was our trek today to see The Daily Show with Jon Stewart taping at McNally Smith College of Music's History Theatre.

Even though the ticket info (I reserved our free tickets months ago) recommended we show up by 3:30, we decided it was best to show up earlier. We got into line about 1:30 and already about 30 people were ahead of us. Over the next few hours, we watched dozens of protesters and marchers (not part of the organized march that started later) walk by. Some carried signs, some had colorful costumes and props, and some had actually bathed sometime in the last week (but not many). We lost count of the times that random people from these groups would ask us what we were waiting in line for. Invariably, whoever answered would answer while pointing in exasperation to the gigantic Comedy Central "Indecision 2008" banner hanging from the building behind us.

At one point, one beret-clad woman bathed in an aura the screamed, "Hey, everyone, I'M OFF MY FUCKING NUT!", walked the line asking if anyone had an extra ticket. I wonder if she even knew what the hell she was trying to get into because she asked Ang, "Is this a special thing?" No, The Daily Show tapes here all the friggin' time. And never mind that wouldn't work anyway. You don't get an actual ticket. You essentially get put on a reservation list. They overbook the taping to ensure a full audience, so you aren't guaranteed a seat. They go down the line, asking for your name, check the reservation list to make sure you're supposed to be there, and hand everyone in your party (assuming you reserved enough tickets for everyone in your party) a numbered ticket. Even if you reserved tickets, if you are too far back in line, and they reach the seating capacity, tough shit. You're out of luck. In other words, show up early. Though I hear tell that they had an overflow area set up in the building where latecomers could watch a closed circuit simulcast of the taping. So crazy beret lady gave up and left empty handed to go plop down in the grass to listen to some old hippie play a protest song on his guitar.

Once inside, we were informed that Jon Stewart would do a Q & A before the show and were half-jokingly instructed not to ask him any creepy questions. So that threw my, "Hey, will you sign my wang?" question right out the window. Why doesn't anyone sign wangs anymore? Anyway, Ang and I ended up in the 4th row on the left side of the theater (stage right), although the theater was small enough that almost any seat would have been fantastic. Our warmup guy was comedian Paul Mecurio, who did a great job whipping everyone up into a frenzy before Jon Stewart came out. During Jon's pre-show Q & A, an audience member asked him if he had been to the State Fair and tried the chocolate covered bacon. Without missing a beat, he responded no, but he had tried "a pig with a Twinkie shoved up its ass, deep fried, and shoved up my ass." And as always with these open Q&A things, you had a few stupid questions, and a couple of jackholes shouting random, nonsensical shit, thinking they were clever. Go out and set a dumpster on fire with the anarchists and shut the fuck up.

As for the show, you can check that out for yourself. I'm sure they'll be replaying Tuesday's episode in the wee hours of tonight and early tomorrow evening. But after taping concluded, we were informed that the building was locked down and that for the moment, we needed to stay put due to protests with the "potential for violence" going on outside of the building on Cedar. It didn't last long -- within 10 or 15 minutes, they said we could leave through an exit on Wabasha at our own risk. Everyone got up and left. We still needed to cross Cedar to get to Ang's car, but fortunately the march had almost completely moved down the street, leaving little behind but the eerie site of dozens of riot police and mounted cops wearing gas masks surveying the scene from their equine perches. All in all, it was a hell of an interesting day to say the very least.

See also:

KARE 11's Jana Shortal's report on The Daily Show. You see Ang and I briefly toward the end and a few other familiar faces throughout the piece.

Coco, who was also at The Daily Show taping, gets a taste of tear gas after the show.

Aaron has a great FAQ about what to expect when attending The Daily Show taping this week.

Deadline for the caption contest is midnight. You know you want to win the coffee cup! Big ticket prizes here at afterglide, folks.

I will go through the entries and pick a few for you to vote on by the end of the week.

Tomorrow we'll be attending the taping of The Daily Show. If I get caught in the middle of a fucking riot while we're in downtown St Paul, I will be cross and fold my arms in disapproval thusly. [folds arms in disapproval]