The Wheatoning

Completely random, but the found cocaine party photos I photoshopped the other day ended up getting linked in the comments on a post about the originals on BoingBoing. I was amused and jazzed today when Wil Wheaton commented on this particular photo. Amber, per your request, on the remote chance that I ever have any further interaction with him, I will declare to him your feelings.

Lim-ted Bacon-tor

Moblog: Lakeville Wendy's

Inappropriate Cupcakes

(Diet) Coke and Chutes

For your consideration, a series of found photos posted by Flickr user foundphotoslj. Moral of the story, if you take photos of yourself snorting cocaine and drinking root beer, keep track of the photos, or they'll end up on the internet a quarter of a century later.

UPDATE: Unfortunately it appears that the original photos have been yanked by foundphotoslj. I assume he or she probably was sick of the nutsacks filling up the Flickr, Metafilter, and BoingBoing comments with tirades about posting "stolen" photos of people snorting coke. Yes, posting photos of these people from 25 years ago (that mind you, they took themselves and/or allowed to be taken) is going to ruin their lives henceforth. I considered asking foundphotoslj for permission to repost the originals, but meh... you get the idea, and I'd prefer not to deal with the shit storm. But without further ado, back to our previously written post.

Personally I think all of this explicit drug use is too inappropriate for the internet. I have taken the liberty of making them more family friendly. Click each photo for the full-sized version.

I call the brunette girl!

Lance always throws a fit if he doesn't get first pick of game pieces. I don't know how they plan on listening to that John Tesh album with no record player in sight though. Or furniture for that matter. Doctored version of this photo.

Thumbs up to Chutes and Ladders

Lance makes his move as Adam gives his seal of approval. Doctored version of this photo.

Down on the floor

They spent most of their dough on the down payment for the apartment. Instead of making an Ikea run, they hit up Toys R Us. The other room is filled with paddle games and Nerf guns. Doctored version of this photo.

Has-bros

You can't never tear Lance and Adam apart. Once you bond over the CAL, you ain't never not tight after that. And that ain't not no double negative. And did that photo of the Toyota Prius fall off the wall or have they not hung it up yet? Doctored version of this photo.

Hmm...

Lance tries to remember the rules as he ponders his next move. Dude, it's not chess. Doctored version of this photo.

Get yer shirt on

Lance loves the shirt Kelly made him for his birthday, but the seams are a little jagged. Yeah, bad seams. Totally not bad Photoshop at all. Also looks like they hung their Prius photo... or haven't knocked it down yet. Just how wild is this party going to get? Doctored version of this photo.

Hannah Montana rules!

Adam once paid $3,000 for a pair of Hannah Montana tickets. Both of them were for him. Doctored version of this photo.

I'm a maniac for Chutes and Ladders!

Adam gloats as he knows he's on the verge of winning, but Kelly takes it in stride. They also must have spilled some Cheetos on the carpet because that appears to be a Roomba making the vacuuming rounds. Doctored version of this photo.

Ice cream break!

All of this wholesome fun makes a body hungry for a sweet treat. Look at the size of that freakin' sundae! Johnny 5 waves in the background. Doctored version of this photo.

Cupcake Helper Man Helps Cupcakes, Man

Your food is open

Moblog: Savage

Hard solutions

Viagra is a decade old. My favorite quote from this article:

"But a lot of people look to Viagra for personal happiness, thinking a hard penis can resolve relationship issues," and they end up disappointed, added the doctor and author of the book 'The Viagra Myth.'"

Are you implying that a hard penis can't solve relationship issues, my good doctor? A hard penis can solve any relationship problem you throw at it. Need to spice up the sex life? Whip out a hard penis and smack her on the chin with it. Need to discipline your significant other for spending your rent money on furry boots? Whip out a hard penis and bitch slap her across the face. In fact, the answer to every problem is hard penis.

Problem: A meeting's attendees are rudely talking amongst themselves, paying no attention to your presentation.
Solution: Who needs Robert's Rules of Order? Swing a hard penis at a coffee cup, sending it sailing into a wall. The explosion of shattering porcelain will get their attention in a hurry. Furthermore, emphasize your point by replacing your Powerpoint's bullet points with photos of your hard penis.

Problem: You are the first to arrive on the scene of a horrific car accident.
Solution: If there are open flames, bat them out with your hard penis before they reach the gas tank. If there isn't enough time, quickly rip the roof off of the car with your hard penis, instruct the victims to grab onto your hard penis, and use it to lift them to freedom and safety.

Problem: You're being robbed at gunpoint.
Solution: Stab the perpetrator in the chest with your hard penis. Nothing stops crime faster than a cock-ruptured aorta.

Problem: You're walking with your friend, and he gets robbed at gunpoint.
Solution: Put wood to pavement and pole vault away from the scene with your hard penis. You can call the police for help once you're safely at home and have had a good night of sleep. Be certain to dial the phone with your hard penis.

Problem: You want to serve ice cream, but your only scoop is in the sink with the dirty dishes.
Solution: Use the uncut hood of your hard penis to scoop up the ice cream. Flick the shaft with your thumb to release the ice cream into the bowl. Do it quickly because your cold penis won't be hard much longer.

Problem: You've forgotten your email password.
Solution: Use your hard penis to click the "Forgot your password?" link.

Problem: You have a hard penis.
Solution: What part of "the answer to every problem is a hard penis" do you not understand?

Feel my chocolate wrath!

Today the prices in our vending machines at work skyrocketed by about 15%. A 65 cent candy bar is now 75. On the machines were stickers from the vending company explaining that they held the price increase off as long as they could, but rising product and delivery costs forced their hand. I see.

...

MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is complete bullshit! This might cost me up to TWO FUCKING DOLLARS a month! TWENTY FOUR DOLLARS A YEAR!!!!! Tomorrow I am going to eat my weight in Hershey bars, drive down to that vending company, kick the door open, and unbuckle a humorless, sweet-and-low log of contrary nutritional castoff right in their lobby. Then I am driving to Sam's Club, punching the door greeter in the pork pie, and marching my membership-cardless ass straight to the office equipment section and walking out with a 6-pack of vending machines. After I finish placing them strategically throughout the office and my home, I will stock them with a quarter million dollars worth of Snickers, Three Musketeers, and Nut Goodies (I WILL FUCKING MAKE IT FIT!!). How much for a candy bar? Fifty cents, bitch. Fifty. Butt-fucking. Cents. That's right. You sucking my dick means I win.

For your health, part 2

Part 2 in a provocative series examining your health in the eyes of Reader's Digest and the societal impacts of you shutting the fuck up and reading this post.

A healthy work environment includes an uncluttered workspace, ergonomically arranged computer equipment, and a few personal effects like flowers, plants, and a collar with about 25 square feet of frill.


When writing a "lifetime" guide to health, be sure to include as many elements as possible to date your illustrative photos, such as a popular band name and recording technology that will be all but defunct within 10 years.


Something isn't quite right with this photo, but I can't put my finger on it.


Much better.


Once you retire, you should consider taking up a hobby to keep your mind sharp. This couple passes the time by torturing young backpackers kidnapped from a Slovakian hostel.


Often, young people who have distinctly different outlooks than their peers become outcasts. This boy's classmates have shunned him for his repeated attempts to rape them.


When the cleaning lady found Mrs Schuller's body in the foyer, it was clear that Mr Schuller had discovered her poorly concealed affair with the junior varsity track team. Could it have been the photos on MySpace?


The cleaning lady unwittingly contaminated the crime scene by undressing Mrs Schuller's corpse and crying on it.


Oh dear. Apparently Mr Schuller retired to the master bedroom and shot himself, as well.

Ok, seriously, cleaning lady, what is your fucking problem? Call 911!


Steven Seagal neck snap! Kee-yahhhh!


I don't think it's happening tonight, buddy.


Early Scientologists and a primitive E-Meter.


"Alright, I'm going to show you a series of videos in which I appear in various stages of undress and arousal. But it's ok, I'm a doctor."


"Ok, you're blood pressure's good. So what did you think of the videos?"


[from inside] "Hey, you didn't go out on the roof, did you? You still have 3 more hours of video to go!"

For your health

Aside from a bunch of booby cream, another treasure I found at Valu Thrift at Sun Ray in St Paul on Saturday was a 1984 book about personal health from Reader's Digest. If there is an authority I trust when it comes to my health, it's Reader's Digest. I also rely on the Saturday Evening Post for investment advice and get ideas for spicing up my sex life from Collier's.

Note that this is the complete manual. Not a partial one. However, it also says it is a lifetime guide. The fact that I bought it for a dollar at a thrift store seems to indicate that its claims are false and/or its previous owner is now dead.


On the inside title page, we find a primary-colored Stephen King and his family hiking through long grass on a cloudy Maine day. Mr. King has chastened himself by securing his fitness trousers shut with a padlock. Or maybe it's to keep out the Lyme disease-ridden deer ticks that his wife and children will be picking from their scalps and genitals.


Clearly they stole this photo from the spandex section of the 1983 LaBelle's Christmas catalog. If she hikes those bottoms up any further, she can use them as a sports bra.


Women like to compare fat rolls, blubber, waddles, and pooches. But do they have to do it in line at Subway?


Women, to measure your fitness, place a yard stick on the floor and line it up with the bottom of your feet. Spread your legs open as wide as you can and measure the distance. Looks like this lady's going to need a lot more yoga before the spring DP party at the yacht club.


An important key to your child's future mental health is reigning in his wild dreams with realistic expectations. This young lad is so excited to grow up to be a doctor that he leaps in the air for joy. Luckily his parents are there to hold him down. "Not so fast, Johnny Repeats-a-Grade!"


For some reason, one section of the book gives a time line of historical figures. Here we discover that Walt Disney may have created Mickey Mouse, but he couldn't draw so much as a circle to save his life. "ARRGHH! Why do these topless dancers keep turning out like short pants-wearing mice???"


Somehow the cut rate illustrator for Reader's Digest managed to make Eleanor Roosevelt even more hideously repulsive.


"EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE GROUND! The first motherfucker at this pool to try to be a hero gets their head blown off! Now put the chlorine in the bag."


One of the women in this photo wants to bury her face in the other's vagina. And by "one" I mean "both" and by "vagina" I mean, "I'm totally jerking off to this photo right now."


This guy took the Shriners Fun Run way too seriously.


Her partner is so tired of her squeals of delight every time balls are flying at her face.


In the 1980s, it was believed that exercising while your computer farted into your air supply was good for the "sanguine humours."


When participating in the "Buns of Steel for Men" class at the Y, try not to make your leering too obvious.


"Hellooooo! Vulnerable, fit man here! Anyone back there? Anyone?"


"Strut, pout, put it out, that's what you want from me!"


1. "I'm strong."
2. "Yay."


NordicTrack's Bosom Squeezer 36DD was the top selling home fitness system of 1984.


This diagram shows how easy it would be to rip your spine from your back should you wear that sweater vest again.


Always wear bib overalls while painting boxes. ALWAYS!


"I give up."


Uh... you do realize you're in the middle of a photo shoot, don't you? There's a box of tissue right next to you for crying out loud!


"Just appreciating my perm."


Start your daily meditation by attempting to kill your enemies with your mind.


Ugh... well, at least clean your pus off my mirror when you're done squeezing.


Now put a little peanut butter down there. Oh my! Is that the dog?


If you're going to work your way up to me, you better try three fingers, lady.


Ok, where do you want me to aim when I finish?


Got it. I'd close your eyes if I were you. I've been doing prostate exercises.


To be continued...