Sunday, August 24, 2008

Drive Smarter 2: Drive Smarterer Harderer

When one has a blog, one mustn't cling to the past. Unless you have a blog post that is arguably a runaway success. Then you dig an ice pick into its back, throw a saddle onto it, and ride it into the ground all the way to the molten core of the earth. When you post what ends up being pretty much the same thing, you hope there are just enough differences that no one notices, and that you are lauded for completely "new" and "original" comedy gold.

The manual for my 2002 Acura RSX is quite a bit different than the one for Ang's Chevy Impala. The characters inhabiting the Impala manual are tired, weary of the world, and often drunk, stoned, or both. The happy world created by Acura is filled with smiling drivers, giddy passengers, and gurgling babies such as this one, whose legs are made of Pillsbury bread sticks for some reason.

This is what you look like when you drive. A bowl-haircutted Pinnochio with a left hand made of a spatula.

In order to avoid damage to the front end of your vehicle, use caution when going down steep inclines.

Also, I wouldn't recommend this particular maneuver. Unless you're Jason Bourne running from the law with a hot lap full of Identity.

Front tires may be used to summon freemasons and forest nymphs. Except Type-R forest nymphs.

"My eyes are up here, Mister, not on my dipstick."

Tower of lightning-shooting boobies! Drive away faster!!!

Hey, Frank! Thanks for bringing my car back. Did it give you any prob--ohhh... I can see you are um... busy. Uh... yeah, I'll just go back in the house and let you finish up. Tissues are in the glove compartment. In fact, why don't you just keep the car. As a... um... token of friendship. Tell Jan I said hi.

Rub here, here, here, and especially here.

Just because state law doesn't say you can't read the paper and eat Jell-o while driving doesn't mean you should.

Nonchalant lactation trajectory scenario 7a.

Wow! Congratulations on the baby! What's that? You're not pregnant? Oh. Awkward.

Deliberate lactation trajectory scenario 14c.

"Look, Bryan. We both knew from the start that this thing wasn't going to work out. Cry all you want, but this is best for both of us. It's not like I can just shove you back in there."

Somehow this diagram doesn't seem accurate.

Much better.

"Honey, did that guy on the motorcycle just fart at us?"

Drat! The tower of boobies tracked us down again! Deflectors on full! Pyoo pyoo pyoo!!


sleeper78 said...

Who writes these books and why isn't it you?

Kevin from Minneapolis said...

I used to work in a childrens' library. It was sorely lacking picture stories like this.

jane said...

Oh, I'm about to read a car manual for a 1992 Volvo. I can hardly wait!