Just when you thought it was safe to go back into Stall Two

First, you will notice that I am now capitalizing "Stall Two" because that particular bathroom stall, which has been the scene of countless ceramic homicides, has become a living, steaming entity. For a short time, all was quiet in Stall Two. The person we suspected of perpetrating the daily clutter of ass peanuts littering the toilet seat and floor left the company. And suddenly the ass peanuts were gone. Mystery solved. Lately, however, someone has been pressure washing the back of the toilet bowl with an inch thick layer of explosive adobe. Oh, and 90% of it sticks to the back of the bowl ABOVE the water line. Since this started happening around the time a few new people started, the list of suspects is short. Nonetheless, we must continue to hold ourselves to the high standards of the scientific method. Understand how the shitter thinks and operates, and you will catch the culprit.

So how does one superdook above the water line? Well, the most logical answer is that the shitter simply leans forward with their back parallel to the floor and unclenches their 8-inch wide leaf shutter, leaving the rear, upper portion of the bowl caked in the tears of a clown.


One can disprove other positions quite easily. One theory had the shitter bracing his torso with lengths of strong rope and unabashedly cleaning his grease trap. In this diagram, however, we can see that the shit, assuming it was of equally high pressure, would hurtle nearly straight into the air at the speed of sound.


"Ah," you say, "but if he were clever enough to rig up that rope contraption, couldn't he also have a steel deflector strapped to his back to redirect the fountains of shame back into the toilet?" Technically, this is possible, but balancing on the rope while carrying a deflector heavy enough to withstand a 500 psi stream of ass filling would require the abdominal strength of a highly trained gay French Canadian acrobat. We can discard that theory by referencing Occam's razor.


Another highly unlikely scenario -- though admittedly more likely than the shit deflector -- is the shitter filling a super soaker with rank poo and manually firing it against the topquarters of the bowl. Even discounting Occam's razor, this theory can be eliminated by remembering that this crap is still the consistency wet sand. The cuplrit would have to have biceps the size of a VW Rabbit to pump the super soaker full of enough pressure to get its contents to that kind of velocity. And that is assuming the toy-grade seams of the plastic squirt gun don't fail, leaving the poor prick covered in his own chocolate thunder. But, for the sake of science, here is how that scenario would look.


Addendum: 2 additional scenarios