A few weeks ago, Alexis alerted me to a product called Just a Drop that claimed to strip the nasty monkey stank off the most eye-watering of your pucker-searing log jams. Now I'm highly dubious of a product that purports to attach itself to my ass mist and turn it into a fog of floral champagne water, but as a scientist*, I need to test things directly using the scientific method before making any conclusions. All tests follow the products directions, which instruct the user to put a few drops in the toilet prior to unloading the delivery.

But before we get to the testing, let's look at the marketing strategy for Just a Drop. Their logo is a calming, light blue color accented with a green drop and a green, sweeping underline. I would surmise this simple, borderline pastel palette is meant to evoke images of nature, blue water and green plants, as part its claim to be a completely natural product, a highly concentrated plant extract. Or maybe the blue is to remind you of a toilet that has one of those hockey pucks leaking a slow, steady cloud of blue thunder into the flush water, and at any minute, the Lady in the Water could swim up through the toilet hole and splash faerie-enchanted commode slop onto your swinging ruck sack.



Just a Drop's website gets one huge strike against it right off the bat. Unless you're YouTube, setting a page on your site, especially the front page, to automatically play a video with sound is just bad nettiquette. The video starts with several people proclaiming that "there is nothing better than leaving a bathroom odor-free." Even finding true love, blinding headboard-splattering orgasms, winning 250 million dollars, and doubling the size of your penis combined are not better than leaving a bathroom odor-free. Near the end of the video the slogan "The New Way To Use The Bathroom" appears. So what, you stand on the tank and shit behind the bowl?

The testimonial page on the website offers up the expected exuberant reviews of people who have used the product. These include:

“My 4 year old daughter religiously uses it. For her it works so well that I find myself checking to make sure she’s made a bowel movement. I never smell anything when she comes out of the bathroom!”

Alexis Dawes, Editor “No More Smelly House”

Be sure to click on the link Ms Dawes website. She doesn't devote as much vertical space to poop as I do, but she gives it a college try. I do have some concern for her daughter, however. How is her mommy checking that she's made a bowel movement? Does she force her child to leave her dukes unflushed so that they may be inspected, bagged, and submitted into evidence? Some sort of CAT scan, digital probe, or MRI? But it's ok to check. At that age, my mom was lucky if I hadn't left it behind the easy chair or on a lamp cord at Grandma's house.

“OH MY GOD!!! We have had such a problem at work with people doing #2’s in the shared bathroom. The smell would linger out, and you can smell it in your office. YOUR product is AWESOME!!!

Arpita G., Flushing, NY

Ok, this one has to be fake. FLUSHING, NEW YORK??? C'mon! And she makes it sound like they have an epidemic of people pooping in her workplace. "We've had such a problem at work with people doing #2's in the shared bathroom." Did you want them to hold it until they got home? Leave it in the photocopier? Shit in the wastebasket by their desk?

“I had bariatric surgery a few years back and bathroom odor continues to be a problem for me. Your product has significantly decreased my distress and discomfort using the restroom at work. Just a Drop is the only thing strong enough to bottle and reduce the offensiveness. Thank you for making a tool to address these gastrointestinal challenges faced by me and my counterparts!!”

Sondra N., Baton Rouge, LA

"Just a Drop is the only thing strong enough to bottle and reduce the offensiveness." Why is this chick trying to bottle her offensiveness? Maybe she plans on selling her bottles of offensiveness at Wal-Mart. They sell a lot of things that offend me, like racism and unfair labor practices.

Controlled Testing

NOTE: All analysis of dumps will be based on the Afterglide Fecal Threat Level scale.



Test #1:
Subject: Jeremy Q. Afterglide.
Environment: A freshly cleaned, single stall office bathroom.
Time: Early morning.
Fuel: Previous evening -- Chicken breast with mixed vegetables and black beans, Old Dutch tortilla chips and black bean salsa. That morning -- Large Caribou skim mocha, no whip with a blackberry white chocolate scone.

Dump analysis: Level Cobalt Picture Window. Firm, minimally impacted. Grease factor skirted the upper edge of the allowable levels for CPW classification. Expected stink factor was moderate.

Result: Environment continued to smell solely of mild florals with no poop smell detected. Extremely successful test.



Test #2:
Subject: Ronny Gunz.
Environment: The infamous Stall Two, which had already sustained multiple hot grease attacks from the sales department.
Time: Mid-morning.
Fuel: That morning -- McDonald's breakfast burrito value meal and a bacon egg and cheese biscuit, corn chips.

Dump analysis: Based on subject's description of the grease factor, I rated the dump a Level Mercenary Swamp Cooler. Well-defined edges, moderate grease factor. Expected stink factor was rank.

Result: Subject felt the floral Just a Drop smell was too strong. Very brief and very mild poop smells were detected intermittently. Highly successful test, though subject did not care for the odor of the product itself.



Test #3:
Subject: Jameson.
Environment: Single-stall, locked, clean bathroom.
Time: Mid-afternoon.
Fuel: 3 to 4-star pad thai at Spice Thai Cuisine in Savage.

Dump analysis: Based on subject's description, I rated the dump a Level Mercenary Swamp Cooler, an ideally textured poop. Expected stink factor was moderate.

Result: Subject did not smell poop at any time throughout or after the evacuation process. As with test subject #2, this subject did not care for the smell of the product itself. He found it "overbearing."



Test #4:
Subject: Jeremy Q. Afterglide.
Environment: Stall Two.
Time: Mid-afternoon.
Fuel: 5-star, aka "challenging" gaeng dang (curry) at Spice Thai Cuisine in Savage. Additional heaping spoonful of spice oil added from the spice tray, essentially making it 6-star curry.

Dump analysis: As mentioned above, the subject purposely added extra spice to his curry in order to test the outer limits of his colon and the product. In keeping with the test subject's usual experience with hot curry, the dump inflamed his sphincter with prejudice. Radiant heat seared the hairs from the subject's crack. Dump started out at a Level Paladin Manna Broken Windshield, with a high grease factor, but quickly progressed to a nightmarish Level Duex Duex Beach Towel and continued to quiver in the water after impact. Expected stink factor was akin to a punch to the face with a jagged, broken brick.

Result: At no time throughout this hot, painful dump was the smell of feces detected. Nothing. Not so much as a fleeting whiff. Stratospherically successful test.

Overall Impressions
Based on personal experiences and subject accounts, I deem Just a Drop to live up to its promises by actually covering up the smell of the nastiest of shits. I would highly recommend it to those who are often embarrassed by leaving fly-attracting piles of malodorous cookie dough in shared toilet facilities.

Just a Drop
Available in stores in Canada, but in the US, it's only available through www.justadrop.net.

• $14.99 for enough drops for 800 dumps (2 bottles at 400 uses each).
• $12.99 for 36 single-use travel packets (2 jars of 18 packets).
• $21.99 for both of the above ordered in the "Daily Use & Travel Kit."

*I'm not a scientist, but I'm telling you that I'm a scientist so you'll think I'm a scientist.