Just another day at the thrift store

Yesterday Max and Eda Cherry asked us if we wanted to meet up at Unique Thrift Store on Rice St in St Paul. We're almost always up for a good thrift store run, so we cleaned ourselves up by dabbing our bodies with moist sponges and hopped in the car, windows open, wind in our hair. As you may have seen in yesterday's post, I discovered a Mr Magoo doll whose cane needed rearranging. By quickly tucking the handle of his cane under his shirt, I gave the lucky Magoo a lengthy deer penis. As you can see, he really enjoyed having it sucked by this disembodied head's pouty lips.

"Ohhh! Ahhhuhhhhhh... that's nice!"


If touching means learning, then I am the smartest man in the world. But enough with the animal talking, get to the animal touching.


Max purchased this massage device that you attach to the hand to make it vibrate. It's called a Super Douglas Vibrator. He immediately disappeared into a back room and emerged 2 hours later drenched in sweat.


It was also Max who discovered one of the most disgusting things I have ever laid my eyes on. He summoned me over to the end of a shelf on the far end of the store, telling me about an apparently unwashed breast pump he found. Neither of us knew the full extent of the horror.

Max laughed as he pulled the cup of the pump out of its case. This cell photo doesn't show it very well, but it's covered in white, milky dried splotches.


We got more than we bargained for, however, when I decided to probe the contents of the case further and pulled out one of the bottles. "HUNNGHHHHH!!!! NO!" At the bottom of the filthy bottles was a pool of dark, rotten breast milk. Max quietly walked away to be sick in private, while I gagged aloud. I knew I had to get a photo though, so I braved it long enough to snap a couple of blurry shots, then collapsed in a pile of tears and churning nausea.


There are so many questions raised by this breast pump. Wouldn't the people donating it at least rinse it out with warm water or maybe some Hi-C? Did the thrift store employees even open this fucking thing before they set it out on the shelf to be sold to an unsuspecting member of the public? And if they did open it, did they see this mess and not want to deal with it? If so, wouldn't you just throw the damned thing away? Or perhaps breast milk cheese has a high market value. But this isn't even cheese; it's slimy black mold with a milky core. God help us all.