Monday, April 28, 2008
Jeremy On the Fucking: Make Her Period YOUR Time of the Month
So a reader that I totally made up sent me the following letter:
Dear JOTF, I dig banging my girlfriend as many times as I possibly can. But she unloads the twice a day limit on me. Fuck's up with that, haas? Anyway, I'm actually writing about when I can't rail her during her period. Hey, I could be tits deep in heavy flow, and I won't complain as long as I'm also shank deep in her mitt. But she's all like, "I don't feel sexy! We'll ruin the sheets! Stop rubbing your dick on my cat!" I tell her I can ignore her period bloat, we can put down a tarp, and that her cat likes it, but bitch don't listen, son!
-I Don't Mind a Red Shaft
First off, IDMARS, your letter seems like something that I pulled out of my own ass. But I'll answer it because it's the smartest thing I've ever read in my entire life. Unfortunately, pal, I don't think you'll likely be getting any during her rag time ditty if she's not game. You can try telling her that her rack looks totally honkable or shaking your dick in her face, but chicks can be stubborn during their periods, so even those tried and true A-game tactics might not be enough. Here are a few things you can try that will not only give you some you time, but might actually convince her that letting you give your bone a burial at the Red Sea isn't the worst thing in the world.
1. Jerk off constantly - At the dinner table, while driving, while mowing the lawn, every chance you can get. You'll get your jollies, and she'll likely be so mortified at your behavior that she'll spread like raspberry jam.
2. Get things done - During times you'd normally be having the relations, check off items on your to-do list (not HER to-do list, YOURS, fool!!!). Finally finish the last few levels on the latest Grand Theft Auto game, build that diorama of the Golden Girls, and while you're at it, take that gigantic dump you've been saving up the last few days.
3. Ignore her entirely - This will drive her nuts with randy desire. Don't talk to her, or even acknowledge her existence. Chicks fucking love this shit. A couple days of this, and you'll be sure to get a lap full of Kool-Aid.
4. Imply that you will touch the kids - Now let me be clear, never ever EVER actually touch your kids inappropriately. If you do, I'll come over there and snatch away your fruit basket quicker than a table saw. But if you leave subtle hints around your wife that you might go that way if your needs aren't soon satisfied, she might rock the panty drop. Or call the cops and divorce you. Who knows. I can't be responsible for things I tell you to do if you actually do them.
Dear JOTF, I dig banging my girlfriend as many times as I possibly can. But she unloads the twice a day limit on me. Fuck's up with that, haas? Anyway, I'm actually writing about when I can't rail her during her period. Hey, I could be tits deep in heavy flow, and I won't complain as long as I'm also shank deep in her mitt. But she's all like, "I don't feel sexy! We'll ruin the sheets! Stop rubbing your dick on my cat!" I tell her I can ignore her period bloat, we can put down a tarp, and that her cat likes it, but bitch don't listen, son!
-I Don't Mind a Red Shaft
First off, IDMARS, your letter seems like something that I pulled out of my own ass. But I'll answer it because it's the smartest thing I've ever read in my entire life. Unfortunately, pal, I don't think you'll likely be getting any during her rag time ditty if she's not game. You can try telling her that her rack looks totally honkable or shaking your dick in her face, but chicks can be stubborn during their periods, so even those tried and true A-game tactics might not be enough. Here are a few things you can try that will not only give you some you time, but might actually convince her that letting you give your bone a burial at the Red Sea isn't the worst thing in the world.
1. Jerk off constantly - At the dinner table, while driving, while mowing the lawn, every chance you can get. You'll get your jollies, and she'll likely be so mortified at your behavior that she'll spread like raspberry jam.
2. Get things done - During times you'd normally be having the relations, check off items on your to-do list (not HER to-do list, YOURS, fool!!!). Finally finish the last few levels on the latest Grand Theft Auto game, build that diorama of the Golden Girls, and while you're at it, take that gigantic dump you've been saving up the last few days.
3. Ignore her entirely - This will drive her nuts with randy desire. Don't talk to her, or even acknowledge her existence. Chicks fucking love this shit. A couple days of this, and you'll be sure to get a lap full of Kool-Aid.
4. Imply that you will touch the kids - Now let me be clear, never ever EVER actually touch your kids inappropriately. If you do, I'll come over there and snatch away your fruit basket quicker than a table saw. But if you leave subtle hints around your wife that you might go that way if your needs aren't soon satisfied, she might rock the panty drop. Or call the cops and divorce you. Who knows. I can't be responsible for things I tell you to do if you actually do them.
I have a good story about this. I'll skip the story but it ends with me leaving two red ball prints on her white comforter.
I have a good story about this. I'll skip the story, but it ends with me feasting on the souls of a million dead infidels.
I have a good story about this. I'll skip the story but it ends with me tea-bagging the monk and disposing of the corpse in the Milwaukee River.
I don't have a good story about this, so I'm going to have to work on that.
I have a good story about this. Population--Aw, god dammit, I messed it up.
I can't believe you left out the best solution: F*ck her in the a**!
Aaron, that sounds like an art project I did in college.
Max, that sounds like an art project I did in Afghanistan.
Muskego Jeff, that sounds like an art project I did in catechism class.
Ang, that sounds like an art project I skipped in Omaha.
Jeremy Q. Afterglide, that sounds like an art project I did in the shower.
Kevin, that sounds like an art project I did in her ass.
This is why, in a healthy relationship, it's best to have a cleansing hut where the menstruating partner (whether male or female) can go and be alone with their thoughts and wise musings for a couple of days. Up to five, maybe.
But Oliver, you mean you can't just lock them in the basement?
This is the best series of comments. Ever.
I have to say I agree with the Kevster. All chicks like a hiney hump once in a while. 5 days every month, in fact.
Oliver, I man-struate in my private bathroom every morning.
Lesley, just wait until the second season!
Alexis, actually I personally do not care for "teh anals." But Kevin's advise is indeed wise. Put it in the butt! Ride the Hershey Highway and pull out a Rolo.
This was fucking hilarous, definitely made my day :o)