Note that this is the complete manual. Not a partial one. However, it also says it is a lifetime guide. The fact that I bought it for a dollar at a thrift store seems to indicate that its claims are false and/or its previous owner is now dead.
On the inside title page, we find a primary-colored Stephen King and his family hiking through long grass on a cloudy Maine day. Mr. King has chastened himself by securing his fitness trousers shut with a padlock. Or maybe it's to keep out the Lyme disease-ridden deer ticks that his wife and children will be picking from their scalps and genitals.
Clearly they stole this photo from the spandex section of the 1983 LaBelle's Christmas catalog. If she hikes those bottoms up any further, she can use them as a sports bra.
Women like to compare fat rolls, blubber, waddles, and pooches. But do they have to do it in line at Subway?
Women, to measure your fitness, place a yard stick on the floor and line it up with the bottom of your feet. Spread your legs open as wide as you can and measure the distance. Looks like this lady's going to need a lot more yoga before the spring DP party at the yacht club.
An important key to your child's future mental health is reigning in his wild dreams with realistic expectations. This young lad is so excited to grow up to be a doctor that he leaps in the air for joy. Luckily his parents are there to hold him down. "Not so fast, Johnny Repeats-a-Grade!"
For some reason, one section of the book gives a time line of historical figures. Here we discover that Walt Disney may have created Mickey Mouse, but he couldn't draw so much as a circle to save his life. "ARRGHH! Why do these topless dancers keep turning out like short pants-wearing mice???"
Somehow the cut rate illustrator for Reader's Digest managed to make Eleanor Roosevelt even more hideously repulsive.
"EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE GROUND! The first motherfucker at this pool to try to be a hero gets their head blown off! Now put the chlorine in the bag."
One of the women in this photo wants to bury her face in the other's vagina. And by "one" I mean "both" and by "vagina" I mean, "I'm totally jerking off to this photo right now."
This guy took the Shriners Fun Run way too seriously.
Her partner is so tired of her squeals of delight every time balls are flying at her face.
In the 1980s, it was believed that exercising while your computer farted into your air supply was good for the "sanguine humours."
When participating in the "Buns of Steel for Men" class at the Y, try not to make your leering too obvious.
"Hellooooo! Vulnerable, fit man here! Anyone back there? Anyone?"
"Strut, pout, put it out, that's what you want from me!"
1. "I'm strong."
2. "Yay."
NordicTrack's Bosom Squeezer 36DD was the top selling home fitness system of 1984.
This diagram shows how easy it would be to rip your spine from your back should you wear that sweater vest again.
Always wear bib overalls while painting boxes. ALWAYS!
"I give up."
Uh... you do realize you're in the middle of a photo shoot, don't you? There's a box of tissue right next to you for crying out loud!
"Just appreciating my perm."
Start your daily meditation by attempting to kill your enemies with your mind.
Ugh... well, at least clean your pus off my mirror when you're done squeezing.
Now put a little peanut butter down there. Oh my! Is that the dog?
If you're going to work your way up to me, you better try three fingers, lady.
Ok, where do you want me to aim when I finish?
Got it. I'd close your eyes if I were you. I've been doing prostate exercises.
To be continued...
3 comments (leave yours):
Let it be know that Jeremy Q. Afterglide at 9:09 PM on Mar 24, 2008 finally began the process of truly bringing sexy back. Now go to your windows and open them up and I want you to yell out I'm sick and tired, and I am not going to take it anymore!
I did that once. The neighbors told me to shutup and put some clothes on.
By "neighbors" he means me.
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