Wade Swafford: Stylewise, do the drapes match the carpet?

"The color of the hair on my head matches my pubes, does yours?" I decided to be a little more daring in my quest for a one night stand and got the shit slapped out of my face. Fuck, lady, I knew it was a bold question, but I thought for sure the personal spin would soften the blow. Guess not. Maybe she thought I was asking if her hair matched my pubes. I have a feeling it wasn't my question though; I'm almost positive it's because the color of her hair was ridiculous. It was sexy, don't get me wrong, but there is no way in hell that shit was natural. Not unless she grew up on some nuclear testing grounds out in the desert somewhere. I guess I was hoping for a yes from her though, because atomic pubes would be stunning.

She did end up slapping a crazy question into my head though: Could the style of the drapes match the carpet? I never tried feathering my pubes to match my hair, but there may come a day when I might give it a try. It'd be mint! Feathered hair makes me look like there's a fan blowing on me all day long. Thing is, the only person I would trust down there with anything sharp is me and I don't know how to cut hair. I don't want any other guys down there, obviously. And when a lady is down there I just want lips and tongue, man. Any sign of something sharp scares my goods -- that includes teeth, ladies.

I wonder if any trashy chicks grow pube mullets. This could be done one of two ways as far as I can tell. Everyone knows the mullet slogan, "Business in front and party in the back." Because the hair is short and professional in the front, but the back is fucking long and crazy -- like parties should be. For the ladies, the party end of it would fall like a curtain in front of the mud flaps, while a shaved peach, or business effect would be at the top, the part of the pubes closest to the belly button. Pubic hair sculpted into a mullet on a guy would be amazing if he could get some length. The penis would lie on a healthy bed of wiry hair -- the party in the back part -- which would abruptly meet the top pubes on the lower part of the stomach; these would be meticulously trimmed for, you got it, the business part of the mullet.

The second pubic mullet scenario could involve keeping all of the pubes up front neatly trimmed and then growing out the fuzz in the taintal and asshole regions. This may be a more purest variation on the mullet, because the party would truly be in the back. Any true mullet fan will tell you the mullet slogan over and over again. I've been to plenty of field parties where there was at least one crazy son of a bitch who couldn't stop talking about his or her mullet. They don't think anyone without a mullet understands the upkeep. Next time one of those motherfuckers corners me I'm going to ask if they've spent the time growing out their taint hair, because if they haven't, I don't want to hear them bitching.

Wade Swafford often leaves pubes on the lips of urinals and skanky chicks and may or may not be the immaculately conceived child of Eda Cherry.