Jesus, apparently weakened and vulnerable from several millenia of saving former drug addicts and toothless people hanging around in bus stations, was kidnapped from his straw-filled nest on Wednesday evening. After reverting to baby form and turning in for the night, Jesus was awakened by a rustling in the bushes. Before he knew it, he had been stuffed into a duffel bag by an unknown kidnapper and spirited off into the night. Unfortunately for the ill-fated savior thief, Jesus was outfitted with a GPS tracking unit, allowing police to simply cross the street and knock on a door to snatch him back from the unmanicured clutches of 18-year-old Danielle Santino. Santino apparently had run out of wine and wanted Jesus to make her a batch of Pinot Gris. Police arrived just in time, as Santino had become enraged when Jesus announced that he could only make Merlot.