Bottom Buddy

Ed Kohler sent me a link to this fabulous product that everyone will be giving as a gift this Christmas. Here comes the Bottom Buddy. Bottom buddy is a real, honest-to-God product. Put the paper on the wand, give yourself the reach around, and wipe like there's no tomorrow.

Here is the product description of Bottom Buddy:

This toilet tissue holder is designed like no other, specifically allowing the user to apply pressure to properly clean the anal area. Notice the curve of the handle and the rounded edge on the head of the device.

Oh, I noticed the curve alright. Baby, I need that curve to hug and clean my anal area like no other wand can.

The soft, flexible head has 3 tulip-petal sections that easily pull back to allow you to insert and grip any toilet paper or pre-moistened wipe securely.

Ok, I need to stop reading this before I starch my trousers. You're offering to rub my anus with a spread-open tulip on a stick? Make it a spread eagle tiger lily, and you've got yourself a deal.

Once inserted the toilet tissue covers the rounded head.

Unnghhhhhh... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A press of the button on the back of the handle engages a rod that pushes out the soiled tissue into the toilet bowl. No sticking, no touching, no mess.

I think you've engaged my rod.

The Bottom Buddy is 11" long and weighs 4 ounces. Travels easily in it's own travel pouch.

You can keep the travel pouch. I doubt I'll ever leave the house again after mine arrives.

Then there's the very similar product, EasyWipe.

The EasyWipe extends your reach for better cleaning of the anal or vaginal area after toileting. If you find reaching difficult, this ergonomic tool is easy to use and makes it easier to clean those hard to reach places.

After toileting? TOILETING??? Now I'll admit that I'm fuzzy as to whether that is a gerund or a present participle, but either way, please do not do that, or I'll toilet all over your toothbrush.

Insert one end of a folded length of toilet paper into the recess on the rounded head of the EasyWipe. Wrap the toilet paper around the head once and tuck the other end into the recess. Toilet Paper should not be wrapped over the recess, as that will inhibit the EasyWipe's ability to release soiled toilet paper.

I'm getting visions of the release mechanism failing, causing some poor old guy in the men's room at Denny's after dropping a Grand Slam to have to turn around and grab a handful of shitty toilet paper to get it off the stick. He touches the stall door handle on the way out, braces himself on the wall as he slowly carts his moribund ass to the sink, leaving a trail of shitty fingerprints as he goes.

When the paper is soiled, press the release mechanism on the opposite end. This releases the used toilet paper into the toilet. The accordion style release mechanism can be pushed with a thumb, the palm of the hand, against your hip or the back of the toilet.

Or just keep the used toilet paper on the stick, burst out of the stall with your pants around your ankles, smack a toddler in the face with it, and yell "George Papadopoulos says hello!"

Easy Wipe Features:15" long and weighs 4.5 oz. ; Easy to clean (warm water and soap or a disinfecting wipe) ; Smooth rounded head for maximum comfort ; Travel case included ; Light, durable and strong ; Works with toilet paper or a pre-moistened wipe

I'm sorry, but length and weight are not features. Those are specifications.

The EasyWipe helps a person with reaching problems wipe themselves, eliminating the need for help from others.

Yet another heartless corporation out to deprive us of human contact. We're a culture of isolation. Television, the internet, and now EasyWipe. You bastards.