Monday, October 01, 2007

Drive smarter

Riding back from northern Minnesota forced me to entertain myself with all means at my disposal. This included sinking to reading the owner's manual for the Impala I was riding in. But the more I read, the more enthralled I became. I learned so much about cars and how to drive them that I am now invincible on the road and shall drive that way forever more. Look out, Johnny Left Lane, I'm driving up your tail pipe and spritzing you with lavender!

First, we are introduced to a very important symbol that is used throughout the manual. This circle with a slash through it means, "Do Not," "Do Not do this," or "Do Not let this happen." For example, an artist's rendering of your ass being gang raped prison-style might have one of these on it. Note that I said "might."

This diagram warns that if the seatbelt is not properly buckled, passengers with particularly veiny penises could find their members irreversibly entangled in the straps.

Warning: electric ottoman!

I wasn't really sure what this one meant. Science geeks with snow-capped slopes on their heads ahead???

In the event of a rear-impact crash, a metal rod will impale your baby via the rectum.

This either means that boogers picked while driving should be wiped under the seat or illustrates the proper hand signal for requesting sexual favors from a back seat passenger.

Please, please, PLEASE do not jill off while driving.

Driving is the perfect time to contemplate what a douchebag you've become.

The following three photos illustrate the horrible truth -- auto manufacturers use paralympic medal winners for crash testing purposes. I think I'm going to be sick.

Exhibition of gang signs while buckling of seat belts is strongly discouraged.

Seat belts can be useful for the restraint of particularly raging erections.

Dry humping of steering wheel may cause pregnancy.

When driving by attractive women walking down the street, yell "Unggghhhh... I smell that sandwich baby! Check out my pickle!" while making a jerking motion on the seatbelt.

Children under 12 should never ride in the front seat, particularly if they have no soul.

"We see you when you dream. We know you didn't finish your almond pudding. We see. We know. You die."

Seat belts are useful for restraining step-siblings from exploring each others bodies out of burgeoning sexual curiosity during long trips.

If you have to give your buddy's stoner girlfriend a ride, keep the shoulder belt undone so she can give you road head in exchange for sizzling beef brisket.

This is what it said in the manual word for word: "That's what you get for adopting a brown baby, bitch!" Once again, this car manual has brought tears of pain to my eyes. Love, don't hate, you stupid auto manufacturer!! This car was built on racism, and I'm getting out of it RIGHT NOW! *sound of car door slamming and angry footsteps*

Children in car seats must be monitored at all times, but may be looked at with contempt and disgust.

"God, I wish you had never been born."

Warning: children are anchors that will sink your life to the bottom of an ocean of responsibility and despair.

If gigantic ball appears before you while driving, speak to it calmly in soft tones and ask it to please move aside so that you may see the road.

Air bags are not for practice make out sessions by business men.

"Mmmph! Ohhhh... yeah, daddy like... mmmm... smack."

When purchasing old iMacs at pawn shops, it is recommended that you secure them in the trunk or back seat.

When you no longer love your wife, it is best that you make her ride in the back seat.

Vehicle is not recommended for transport of World War II-era naval mines.

When using car exhaust to commit suicide in garage, please ensure someone will find you within 48 hours to avoid damaging the upholstery. This will retain maximum resale value at the estate sale (which will consist entirely of your death car and the shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kids in the linen closet).

Leaving keys out for children to find, start automobile, and accidentally roll into a lake and drown is pretty indicative of your overall parenting skills.


Brace head before using back seat for rough sex.

If you must leave your child alone in the car, trips to the casino on a hot day in July are best. This gives the child time to think about your family history of heart disease and incarceration.

"I have so little to look forward to. And can a motherfucker get some water or a moist towelette over here?"

Should your penis become entangled in the controls, step on it repeatedly.

Driving is complicated!

Please do not operate automobile in prevailing westerlies.

Press middle button to launch heat-seeking missile at the asshole on the phone who just cut you off.

This is how many drinks you can drink and still be ok to drive.

In case of unavoidable impact with deer, turn on your windshield wipers to prepare for the initial gush of blood.

If the deer runs away, accelerate. You may still get to run that fucker down.



Car comes equipped with everything you need to dismember and dispose of a body.

No, that isn't "the shocker." You're missing a pinky. You know, for the stink.


Jenn said...

I am laughing so hard it is making my belly hurt!

Too freakin' funny!

Anonymous said...

Gawd, you really need a GameBoy.

karah said...

Pure, brilliant gold.

Erica said...

Hilarious. I think you guys should write a book based solely on translating and mocking aging technical manuals. It's an overlooked market...

teucer said...

That was excellent. Ang's car manual is far more entertaining than mine.

Andrew said...

oh my lord...someone gets me a moist towelette to wipe clean these tears of joy.

(I just completed reading the greatest blog post ever.)

Alexis said...

You just made me spit out my Bacardi Limon. Asshole.

Anonymous said...

Good God I have tears in my eyes.
I totally needed that, thanks.


Jeremy said...

Jenn, you may need to take some Pepto for that. Or drink some 7-Up to settle your humours.

Heather, I think I actually need a PSP. Or a book. Or the desire to have a conversation with my girlfriend. Oh, hi Ang!

Karah, thank you.

Erica, actually I think the best untapped book market is books about how how to turn the homeless into energy for your home. It's kind of like geothermal energy, but stinkier.

Teucer, I think if you were to read your car manual carefully, you would be very informed and very entertained. There is probably a chapter in there about human sacrifice and boobies. Go check for me!

Andrew, thank you very much. If I run across a moistened towelette, I shall send it your way. Well, unused ones anyway. I have a couple towelettes here, but they're covered in BBQ sauce from my breakfast of pulled pork and ribs.

Alexis, I apologize for making you waste perfectly good alcohol. If it makes you feel any better, I spilled like half a Fresca on my desk when I was writing it.

AC, everyone needs that. Here, wipe your eyes with this towelette. Oh, shit... sorry! Um... I'll pay for your dry cleaning bill.

Chuck Olsen said...

My God, you've done it.

This is the best blog post ever. I'll be sure to let the other bloggers know they can stop.

Aaron said...

Visiting again, this is the best post ever.

Melissa Maples said...

Driving is the perfect time to contemplate what a douchebag you've become.

This is exactly why I sold my car.

Rupert said...


San Nakji said...

That's a brilliant way for me to laugh in the New Year. Thank you :)

Happy New Year!

jane said...

Laughed my ass off. Thanks for being so funny. You make the internet a better place.

Skeezmo said...

So great...I'll never drive the same again.