A reader who wishes to remain anonymous sent me the following email. It has been edited to protect the reader's identity and place of work and has been posted with their permission.
Sorry to hear about your problem with ass peanuts. At my work, we have a slightly different problem. I call it "[Piss] Pond." [Piss] pond forms most frequently between January and late May as a result of urinal users... pissing all over the floor. This is caused by various things, such as reading while urinating or talking on the cell phone or simply just not paying attention. It's very disgusting. We'll also occasionally get pubes on top of the urinal, which is mystifying. How do pubes get five feet off the ground?
I hope you catch this Jimmy Carter wanna-be and punish him properly, which should include much embarrassment.
There is nothing like standing in a puddle of another man's urine (unless you're standing in a puddle comprised of the urine of multiple men). The best part is hitting dry tile as you walk back to your desk and feeling the SCHLICK SCHLICK SCHLICK of your sticky shoes peeling away from the floor with each stride.
Now that you mention it, pubes on top of the urinal are a mystery of nature almost as perplexing as ass peanuts on top of the toilet tank. One can understand how someone could shake loose a couple of stray hairs as he knocked the remnants of dew from his lily, but to get them on top is quite an accomplishment. Either the offender is about 6' 11" and wearing stilts, or he's shaking his manhood with such vigor that hair flies up in the air like a cloud of coke in Britney Spears' nursery. Perhaps urinals need hair nets hanging from the top to keep the pubes at bay. It would be like the nets they have hanging up behind home plate to keep foul balls from knocking a toddler's jaw out of joint and lodging in his nostril. Except it would be for pubes, man.
Best of luck keeping dry. Perhaps you need some of those disposable booties on your shoes like surgeons and Intel guys wear.
-Jeremy
6 comments (leave yours):
I'm starting to think it's toilet leprechauns, or some other mischievous manifestation of the little people.
If you follow them around long enough, you'll find a whole pile of left socks.
What about the mid-evac discovery of a short'n curly perched inches from your face on the HANDLE OF THE URINAL!!??!!
Two words: "Rocket Pubes."
Teucer, if they were toilet leprechauns, they would leave smaller, more reddish pubes.
Ang, I thought they stole underwear, not socks.
Fireman, that one is an even bigger mystery. Just blow hard and hope it is delicately balanced and not stuck there with some sort of man fluid.
Alie, that's an awesome Elton John song.
I bet the Underpants Gnomes are involved somehow.
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