Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Forensic ass peanut analysis (updated)
Yesterday's post about the mysterious leaving of a single ass peanut on the top of the toilet tank wasn't enough analysis of this situation. Through the following diagrams, I will prove that, save manually plucking and placing an ass peanut with purpose, it is physically impossible for the average human being to get ass peanuts on the back of the toilet tank without great effort.
Diagram 1 - Allowing slight variances in posture, this is the usual seated position for a person of average height who is engaged in defecation into a toilet of standard dimensions. You will note the "ass peanut sprinkle zone" outlined in green in the diagram.
Diagram 2 - When inconsiderate ass peanut sprinkling occurs, the usual scenario is for the pooper to stand, hover his ass over the toilet seat, and furiously rub at his crack with toilet paper as if he were trying to wash tar off of the bumper of a Buick. In this case, the sprinkle zone is confined to the toilet seat and immediate vicinity.
Diagram 3a - In a previous post, I discussed a scenario involving ass peanuts spread several feet to the front of the toilet bowl. For a sprinkle zone of this nature, the pooper would have to stand, walk a few steps forward, and commence wiping.
Diagram 3b - For a frontal sprinkle zone per Diagram 3a, the pooper may also have hovered with his face over the bowl. Perhaps he was hung over and had to vomit, deciding to maximize his efficiency by wiping his ass at the same time. Frontal sprinkle zone is achieved.
Diagram 4 - Now we get to the subject of this study. Again, discounting the pooper using his fingers, tweezers, or perhaps salad tongs to extract the ass peanut from his butt hair or from a scientifically feasible sprinkle zone, the average pooper would actually have to stand on the toilet, hover his ass over the tank, and scrub away.
Diagram 5 - Another mildly plausible explanation is that the pooper is some sort of freakishly gigantic victim of a pituitary gland issue and can simply hover his ass over the tank from the floor. I do not know anyone of this height, so this scenario is highly unlikely.
Diagram 6 - It has been suggested by multiple people that there could be a second shitter conspiracy going on here. Is someone lurking in the shadows spreading ass peanuts and undeserved blame? As we can see here, it is possible that a ceiling dweller, perhaps some sort of inverse CHUD, could have removed a ceiling panel and sprinkled his ass pennies from above. However, the Cirque du Soleil-like physical coordination and possible damage to the lower back make this yet another unlikely scenario. And so I reach the same conclusion...
It is clear that some asshole stood on the toilet and sprinkled butt nuggets on the tank. You fucking sick monkey!
Diagram 1 - Allowing slight variances in posture, this is the usual seated position for a person of average height who is engaged in defecation into a toilet of standard dimensions. You will note the "ass peanut sprinkle zone" outlined in green in the diagram.
Diagram 2 - When inconsiderate ass peanut sprinkling occurs, the usual scenario is for the pooper to stand, hover his ass over the toilet seat, and furiously rub at his crack with toilet paper as if he were trying to wash tar off of the bumper of a Buick. In this case, the sprinkle zone is confined to the toilet seat and immediate vicinity.
Diagram 3a - In a previous post, I discussed a scenario involving ass peanuts spread several feet to the front of the toilet bowl. For a sprinkle zone of this nature, the pooper would have to stand, walk a few steps forward, and commence wiping.
Diagram 3b - For a frontal sprinkle zone per Diagram 3a, the pooper may also have hovered with his face over the bowl. Perhaps he was hung over and had to vomit, deciding to maximize his efficiency by wiping his ass at the same time. Frontal sprinkle zone is achieved.
Diagram 4 - Now we get to the subject of this study. Again, discounting the pooper using his fingers, tweezers, or perhaps salad tongs to extract the ass peanut from his butt hair or from a scientifically feasible sprinkle zone, the average pooper would actually have to stand on the toilet, hover his ass over the tank, and scrub away.
Diagram 5 - Another mildly plausible explanation is that the pooper is some sort of freakishly gigantic victim of a pituitary gland issue and can simply hover his ass over the tank from the floor. I do not know anyone of this height, so this scenario is highly unlikely.
Diagram 6 - It has been suggested by multiple people that there could be a second shitter conspiracy going on here. Is someone lurking in the shadows spreading ass peanuts and undeserved blame? As we can see here, it is possible that a ceiling dweller, perhaps some sort of inverse CHUD, could have removed a ceiling panel and sprinkled his ass pennies from above. However, the Cirque du Soleil-like physical coordination and possible damage to the lower back make this yet another unlikely scenario. And so I reach the same conclusion...
It is clear that some asshole stood on the toilet and sprinkled butt nuggets on the tank. You fucking sick monkey!
i'm always amazed by the behavior of guys in the bathroom. there's the dude who doesn't wash his hands. or the person who is taking a dump but as soon as someone walks in they freeze and won't make any sound or movement until the bathroom is empty again. its almost as if its they are embarrassed to be pooping. then there is me...the guy who likes to use alot of toilet paper and occassionally clog the toilet.
i'm not even going to talk about the horrific smells and sounds certain guys make while dumping.
I submit for your consideration that there was, in fact, a second shitter. Quite frankly the magic ass peanut theory just does not hold water and the Warren Commission is part of an elaborate cover-up in this whole thing.
Is there a grassy knoll in the bathroom in question?
Theory 6: The mystery shitter is a reader of your blog and gets a secret enjoyment from shocking your sense of pooping proprietary and also from challenging your investigative skills once in a while.
Mind you, I also like Tim's 2nd shitter theory.
Carl, I usually don't like it when someone sits in the stall next to me while I'm pooping, but I don't let it stop me from grunting, farting, plopping, and otherwise going about my business. I figure they're the asshole who decided to sit next to me instead of taking the end stall or going to another bathroom, they can get the full impact of my fury.
Tim, Lesley suggested the second shitter theory, as well, I think the both of you may have something. Perhaps instead of a grassy knoll, the second pooper was in the ceiling and sprinkled from a removed tile. That one may be worth another diagram.
Teucer, if that is the case, my primary suspect would be Ronny Gunz. He has already threatened to litter my computer keyboard at work with ass peanuts after getting tired of constantly hearing my bitching about this subject.
i am so glad that crap can bring a bunch of guys to have such an intellectual conversation ;)
Threatened to? I've already done it, you just don't know it yet. Fact is, Jer, that I get in a full two hours before you do. Chew on that.
BTW, you watch too much CSI.
Or maybe Boondock Saints.
I like the "Big Friggin' Guy" theory, personally.
Your office is being haunted by a fecally obsessed giant. This is one for Scoob and the gang.
Zoozoocrazi, poop brings out the highest caliber of discourse amongst this group. Which isn't saying much.
Ronny, unless you are sprinkling microscopic ass peanuts, I have yet to see them. But as a precaution, I have stopped eating sandwiches directly off of my keyboard. And yes, the BFG theory is very entertaining, but again, it can't be real. Oh! Unless there's a second BFG in the ceiling. Better fire up Photoshop again.
Teucer, I'm afraid Scooby would simply squeeze out a coil onto the tile floor, making an even bigger mess. For a dog who can talk, he sure is poorly housebroken.
I'm with teucer - it's someone who reads your blog and loves it when you talk about him. Has anyone around the office been giving you the eyes lately?
Hmm... Ronny tried to knock me out with an ether rag the other day. What does that mean?
Jeremy couldn't there be other forces in play? For instance maybe the guy got done wiping and had an aftershock fart and blew the peanut on top of the tank while bending over to pull up his pants. Or maybe he had a loose klingon that got knocked loose and upward while hastily pulling up his trousers. There could have been a force of an upward nature in play here. Just a thought, plus you could use your math skills in conjunction with your photoshop skills to show trajectories. :)
This only solidifies my previous comment.
Eew.
If I were you (or James Bond) I would place a tiny camera inside said stall to catch the culprit in the act.
The I'd take him out back and beat the snot out of him.
Gross
Aliens.
Or, another less extra terrestrial theory, for example, in college we had a number of international students who would use the toilet by standing on the seat and squatting (because of the way crappers were designed in their homelands).
It was creepy to walk into the john to do the obligatory feet check, then try to push open a locked stall door, only to see tiny feet come down off the toilet onto the floor.
Cree-py.
I think it's you.
I never catch anyone else doing it until you complain about it. I think you just like the attention.
You're on the right track... Follow your less-plausable 'Really big guy' theory.
Think about the tall people in the office.... Espcially those who may be competitive and go after it with force and vigor.
That was ominous.
Jenni, my naturally curious mind holds a desire to leave a video camera in the men's room, but as I've stated on this blog before, getting caught setting up or retrieving a video camera from the men's bathroom is not something I want opening the 10 pm news.
Dan, your foreign national theory does line up well with Diagram 4. However, I do not know of anyone here who matches that description. This is more likely an inconsiderate pooper.
Anon, we need to defer to Occam's Razor here. I'm not saying the tall man theory isn't plausible, but even a cat towering in at 6'5" would have difficulty with that level of sprinkle overage.
Ronny, I'll take photos next time.
Oh, and Willie, I need more CPU power here to render 3D animations using a physics engine. I tried leasing cycles from a render farm, but they were booked until October simulating chicks pissing on the seats in women's restrooms.
I still maintain that it was a second shitter.
And here's yet another story to show how nasty people can be in the bathroom...my friend reported to me that he has caught someone (on numerous occasions) washing his feet in the office toilet. Yum-my.
Lesley, I suppose that's better than washing his hands. But how dirty do your feet get working in an office environment? Certainly not dirty enough that washing them in the toilet is better than leaving them dirty. Unless he walks barefoot through shit and AIDS needles all day.