After receiving my passport and a couple certified copies of my birth certificate in the mail last week, I decided it was time that I had a safe place to store my theftables. I was keeping my social security cards, title papers, and other important documents in a small fire safe that I've had since I was in high school, but it's small and would be extremely easy to walk out of my house with. Then there's the little issue of me losing the keys for it and having to drill out the lock a few months ago. I could be mistaken, but that probably nullifies any fire or theft protection it once offered. Now Steals McBurgledick is yanking my identity, opening credit card accounts in my name, and claiming to own the equity in my house and trying to set up a domestic partnership with me. Well you might be painfully attractive and engaged in lucrative thieving endeavors Mr. McBurgledick, but this is my house. You hear me?Now some of you are probably tsk-ing at my paranoia, but you'd be paranoid too after watching two seasons of It Takes a Thief and seeing how much of your life a single thief can walk away with in 5 minutes. You would also be bored out of your skull and stop watching it since every episode is the same formula -- break into a volunteer's home, steal their crap, tell them what they did wrong, give their crap back, and shore up their security with prohibitively expensive security systems and equipment you can't afford.
One of the few relatively affordable items given to the homeowners in each episode of the show is a combination safe that can be bolted to the floor from the inside. I thought that was an excellent idea, so on Friday, I dropped $150 on a big ass fire safe that, thanks to a little sweat, a drill, and a socket wrench, is now securely affixed to the skeleton of my abode. What they do not mention on the show is that these safes are so heavy and unwieldy that no lone wolf thief could possibly abscond with it. Maybe that's why it was clearly marked on the store shelves with a sign screaming "Team Lift!" featuring a pictogram of a guy with what appear to be lightning bolts coming out of ass. I wish I had known that means that you will prolapse your rectum carrying the fucking thing into the house. Here I thought it was just a motivational sign for store employees. Lift those spirits! And your ass is carrying high voltage for some reason. Go team!
10 comments (leave yours):
Jeremy,
I applaud your analytical skills in safe selection and placement but I must ask, who really wants your shit?
I'll go with your premise: people want Jeremy's shit, and say this.
Some time ago, from something I saw or read, a gang of thieves on ATV's cruised the LA sewer system and positioned themselves underneath the vaults of banks. They used diamond tipped corring drills and drilled up to cut a nice little hole in the bottom of the vault.
If these people, this gang, this 4-wheeler gang, travels purposely to Minn/Twin for your precious shit...you're toast buddy....
BTW, if you've got Amber in that safe of yours then they are probably on their way.
King Shocka Khan
SK, that is the attitude I had until a thief broke into the house behind me last year and cleaned the poor guy out. Guns, electronics, computer equipment, all gone. They caught the little fuckers a month later (they were local high school kids that had broken into a dozen area homes), but he never got his shit back because the kid that ratted them out was a confidential informant who the police claimed would be in danger if they raided the garage where all the stolen goods were located. Apparently they needed him for something bigger and better.
And I don't have Amber in that safe, but I have a few of her bras. I better get a laser entrapment system installed ASAP!
You mean to tell me you've never had lightning bolts fly out of your butt?
You've never lived until you've had lightning bolts fly out of your butt.
It's awesome.
Jenni, I've only ever had them going into my ass. Zap!
Lightning bolts don't fly INTO your ass silly, they fly OUT of them.
Much like monkeys. Only a little more smooth.
Have you ever had a rogue monkey try to fly sideways out of your butt?
Not fun.
Monkeys started flying out of my butt ever since I made that whole "The day Geroge Bush is elected President of the United States for a second term is the day monkeys fly out of my ass" bet.
They do if you stand at the top of the IDS Tower with your pants down. And I've never had any sideways monkey incidents, but I tried to stuff an unbroken sheet of graham crackers in there once.
Hedy, thanks (I don't know how I missed your comment earlier). The irony is those labels are only effective on smart people, people like you and me who can read anyway. Not that smart people never lose fingers from doing stupid things, but dumb people lose a lot more.
I've been known to leave my apartment unlocked and windows wide open after going to bed. I'm surprised I haven't been raped and murdered yet...
Alie, at least get in the habit of locking your door behind you. And install some of those sliding window locks that keep them from being opened wide enough for a rapist to squeeze through. I'm serious. I'll even come to the store with you to get some and install them for you (they don't damage the window frame, so it's nothing that the sup will get mad about).
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