I kept myself rather busy this weekend, thus my lack of posts other than moblogged photos. Today I put nearly 100 miles on my car driving around town in search of the vaguest of ideas for an idea of what to wear to Geek Prom next weekend. I have some geeky garb I could just throw on, but Amber suggested that it would be fun if we coordinated a theme for our outfits. I agreed that it sounded delightfully farcical (Who talks like that? I do, fucker!) but the problem is that neither one of us can think of a solid idea that is workable with less than a week to go. So with great determination, I headed to a thrift store a few miles down the road in Burnsville. This one is a Christian thrift store, yet I was still surprised that it was closed on Sunday. Sumbitches, being closed on the Lord's day is not convenient for me. While you're resting your lazy ass at home and quietly contemplating your relationship with Christ, I'm not getting any closer to picking out geeky clothes for my dorky little gala. I knew then this was going to be a long afternoon.

There was a Caribou with a drive through right across the parking lot from the closed thrift store, so I loaded up on caffeine and hit the road for Goodwill in Apple Valley. I had been down there the night before on my way to see Blades of Glory with Mary, but I discovered they close at 6 on Saturdays. Again, I will address charitable secondhand stores, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof, if you stay open during hours when people are out and about shopping, say until 8 or 9 on Saturday, you might make an extra $12 or so from people buying Julio Iglesias tapes and airbrushed t-shirts customized for girls named Christina with hearts instead of dots on the i's. But nobody ever listens to me, so I decided to make the best of it and went next door to the Big Dollar store. But all I found there were countless products with names that seemed like euphemisms for pooping.

But back to today. This time it was 1 in the afternoon and Goodwill was open. The parking lot was teeming with activity, as was the store inside. I pawed through the t-shirts and dress shirts and was amazed to find several kooky sci-fi and video game shirts that seemed like they would work on their own if I couldn't think of a good theme. They were $1.99 each, so what the hell. I picked up three, one of which is a jim dandy that I promise I will photograph myself wearing, even if I don't wear it to Geek Prom. Other than those, some shirts for shitty local beer league softball teams that disbanded in 1997, Brooks & Dunn concert knickers, and unfunny joke shirts that said things like, "Oh, sorry! I forgot you were an idiot" (HA HA--wait, huh?), I found absolutely nothing that gave me any ideas.

As I meandered between the racks of hideous dress shirts and outdated ties and looked around at the other shoppers, I had a momentary pang of sadness, perhaps even guilt, over the fact that I was shopping at this store on a completely ironic level. Here I was shopping for a silly costume for a dance when a lot of these people were probably shopping there because they couldn't afford to buy clothes elsewhere. But just before a single tear was about to roll down my cheek, I snapped out of it, pulled out my wallet, wiped my ass with a wad of twenties, shoved the fecally contaminated cash into the gaping mouth of a dirty-faced little girl in a threadbare Barbara Mandrell t-shirt, laughed, and shouted loud enough for all to hear, "I'm here because Macy's and Bloomingdale's don't sell clothes shitty enough for the superfluous ball of frivolity I'm attending next weekend. How's life treating you, assholes? Ha ha haa haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" Then I punched an old lady examining a ceramic kitty and puppy salt and pepper shaker set, paid for my purchase in cash, and burned rubber out of the parking lot with an angry mob lunging forth to chuck mismatched rollerblades and cigarette-burned end tables at me. In hindsight, I was a little harsh, but for God's sake, I almost felt an emotion. I had to do something! I also regretted the cash butt wiping thing, as now I'm out $60. I had some dollar bills, but I was thinking I'd need them for the vending machine this week. Now I wish I had just asked for change.

The next stop was Goodwill in West St Paul off of Robert St. The clothing selection at this one, was even more abysmal, but I found myself enthralled with their book section. There were so many hilariously awful books that I couldn't possibly have bought them all, even for $1 to $2 per book. But damn it, these books weren't getting me any closer to finding something geeky to wear, so I jetted for St Paul. Hedy lives in St Paul, so I texted her to see if she wanted to meet up there, though I didn't know how far her place was from this joint. She had other things going on, but kindly helped me find the rather out of the way outlet store.

I walked in the door and while I knew it wasn't going to be The Gap, I was floored at how utterly stark and depressing it was. People burdened by every imaginable social and physical stigma flipped through unsorted conveyor belts lined with bins of misshapen brassieres and shrunken sweaters as if they were going to find a high school education at the bottom. Clothing was priced not by the item, but per pound. A quarter per pound to be exact. Display... um... crates(?) were filled with random 8-track tapes, empty software boxes (yes, just the boxes, no disks or manuals -- maybe people eat them or use them for toilet paper), covers for books but no pages, and I think I saw part of a pup tent. I looked through some of the clothing selections, but I didn't need to do much digging to see that there was jack shit here. I probably arrived too late in the day, and the hoards had already picked through it, weighed it, and paid it. Not only was this a dead end in my mission, but I felt like I had lost part of my soul. Stunned, I shuffled slowly out into the sun toward my car, and drove away.

Perhaps someday I will return to the place that time and hope forgot, but I must grow as a human being before I can do that. I must gird myself spiritually and make my body strong with vigorous exercise and healthy, vitamin-enriched foods. The weak shall perish in the land of the lost. Only the strong will survive. I almost didn't make it out this time, but next time I will be prepared. Will you?