Goodwill is a good place to get books for advice on parenting. I don't have any kids, but I often purchase and check out books about child rearing so that I may tell people with kids what they are doing wrong. It might seem a little obnoxious, but I only do it because I care. I care that their kids are self-absorbed, ill-mannered little shits. But that is beside the point. Instead, let's discuss this book published in the early 80's that I found on Sunday in West St Paul.

Yes, this all seems quite sensible. What parent doesn't want their child to learn how to cooperate with siblings, friends, and even adults...


...but just what in the fuck is this little girl doing to her friend? Gina, the box lunch is on the table, not in little Suzy's pants. It's ok to be curious, but you're so young. Save it for the civil union or at least until your freshman year at Wellesley.



The book poses many important questions for parents to have answered, including whether a little sibling rivalry is harmful. In a word, it isn't. However, this illustration shows what happens when big brother Tommy turns his eye to his little sister and realizes he's been pimpin' out the wrong kind of pussy.


You can never start teaching problem solving skills too early. Preschool age children can pick up on subtle lessons derived from scenarios like the one shown below. Mommy wants little Jesse to let go of the teddy bear he took by force from his cousin Lisa. She could negotiate with Jesse, but she knows it's quicker to have Lisa snap the neck of Jesse's rabbit to show him what happens to aggressive, bullying little taintlickers like him.

Parents can take special measures to encourage positive behaviors in their children. Here we see that Mommy and Daddy have left Anthony and his sister Coleen in the care of their odd neighbor from across the street. "He's just a little strange," they've assured themselves. "But he seems so decent and kind." Unfortunately we showed up just in time to see odd Mr. Taggert saying, "Now Anthony, I need you to behave yourself, or I'm going to show my flaccid penis to you just like I did to Coleen back there. Do you understand?"


Almost every kid can benefit from the lessons learned from team sports. Here we see Billy and Jacob have returned from baseball practice to play with their other neighborhood friends...

...but they seem to be oblivious to their scrawny pal struggling to stop the vigorous neck fucking he's getting from a stray dog that jumped him.


On second thought, maybe team sports aren't the best way to go. This group of kids can't even decide what team to play for both euphemistically and literally.

You've got little polo shirt cat pirate here and his lithe but eternally pissed off buddy.


And there's Perv McKracken, the college sophomore giving 10 year old Kayla the yum yum eyes. "Mmm mm mmmm! Damn, girl! You hike up those shorts any higher and I'm going to be eating camel toe for breakfast tomorrow."


This little racist douchebag is about to step on Robby's nuts. Don't worry though. Robby is wise to the situation and is about to stab the kid in the eye with a juice box straw. Save the sack, kid. Save the sack.


What. The. Fuck. I mean it's nice that Mommykins came straight over to the soccer game from her job at McDonald's, but what is she doing to her daughter? "Oooh. Yeah, sweetie. Mommy likes it when you suck on her fingers. Unnnggghhhhhhhh. Ok, Mommy just came really hard, but that's our little secret, mmkay pumpkin?"


Holy shit! This little girl is beating her friend to death with a tricycle! An entire god damn tricycle!

And finally, the last, but most important lesson offered by this book is how to prepare your children for the highly likely scenario where their Raggedy Ann doll will abscond with their chinchilla and spank said chinchilla in a tree.


Ooh, that's a naughty chinchilla. Smack that furry ass, Raggedy Ann!