We interrupt butthole and poop talk for this delicious recipe

One thing you may not know about me is that I enjoy cooking. One of my specialty dishes is seafood lasagna (or "lasagne" as I see some people curiously spell it). This dish has won me many friends, scored me lots of hot tail (even more than the 10 hours I drove a PT Cruiser), and won me a couple of honor-only prizes ("You win! But you don't get jack shit!") at company potlucks a few years back. So without further jawjacking, I give to you, my loyal readers, the current incarnation of my precious and ever-evolving recipe for seafood lasagna...

You'll need:
-A 12" x 8" x 3" baking dish (or a similar size)
-A 1 lb package of no-boil (aka "oven ready") lasagna noodles
-A 16 oz jar of garlic alfredo pasta sauce
-2 lbs of ricotta cheese (two 15 oz tubs are close enough), drained (you may also substitute fat free ricotta)
-2 eggs (you may also substitute a half cup of egg whites, Egg Beaters, or a similar product)
-1/4 cup fresh parsley, finely chopped (you may also substitute dried parsley, but fresh is so much better!)
-1 lb fresh mozzarella (you may substitute shredded reduced fat mozzarella, but c'mon!)
-4 oz shaved parmesan cheese (you may substitute shredded or powdered, but I'll find you and murder you with a car antenna if you do)
-8 oz shaved asiago cheese (again, you may substitute shredded or powdered, but I swear to Christ you'll get your children's severed hands and ears in the mail the next day)
-1 lb crab or lobster meat (given how expensive crab or lobster meat are, I will forgive you if you use imitation crab or lobster, as I usually do so myself, but I still have to burn your buttocks with lye)
-A 7 oz package of frozen, precooked salad shrimp (or similar size package)
-A 7 oz(???) package of fresh scallops (frozen scallops are permissible, and I won't even pinch your dog's nose with a gator clip... this time)

Directions:
-In a large mixing bowl, combine ricotta, eggs, parsley, and half (2 oz) of the parmesan. Mix well and set aside (preferably still in the bowl -- don't dump it on the floor or hide it in a heating duct)

-Spread 2 Tbsp pasta sauce on the bottom of the baking dish. Arrange lasagna noodles to cover the bottom (slight overlap or small gaps between the noodles is fine, or should I call you Perfecto McAnal?)

-Spread 1/2 cup of the cheese mixture from your bowl (God damn it, you put it in the heading duct, didn't you!) on top of the noodles. Then crumble up about half of the crab or lobster meat (imitation or otherwise), and evenly distribute it. Do the same with about half of the salad shrimp and half of the scallops, then evenly space moderately broken or cut up hunks of about a quarter of the fresh mozarella (*sigh* or the shredded stuff) and drizzle a 1/4 cup of the pasta sauce over all of it and sprinkle about a third of the asiago onto it.

-Place another layer of the lasagna noodles over all that good crap, and repeat the layering of cheese mixture, crab/lobster, etc.

-On the last layer of noodles, top with the remaining sauce, mozzarella, parmesan, and asiago.

-Cover pan with foil, poking some holes in the foil with a fork, bake in a preheated oven at 350 degrees F for 60 minutes. Eat it and spooge all over yourself with glee. Try not to get said spooge in the lasagna. The meal would be ruined.