Things that suck ass

-Starting to clean my house after basically letting it go since August. New job + busy social life + lazy = family of beavers living under the couch. Shoo, beavers! Shoo!

-Finally getting around to organizing my papers to do my taxes. I'm afeared I'll be paying into the war chest due to some complicated financial thingamajigs that I did last year. Somebody paid somebody some money. Somebody gave me some money. There was a dead hooker involved I think. Or something. Who the fuck can keep track of these things?

-Realizing that the image that appeared in my pancake wasn't Jesus--it was Robert Goulet.

The fine ass ladies

With my recent series of posts about online dating, I have been getting traffic directed to my blog from some pretty interesting google searches. My favorites in my traffic log today are naked women photo and my all time favorite thus far, fine ass ladies.

A picture is worth a thousand dates

We've already talked about choosing an online dating site and writing a sparkling profile that hopefully brings out your best without being a complete fabrication. Who wants to start off dating someone with a pack of lies? Now let's talk about that profile photo, cowpoke.

I can't stress this enough. Put a damn photo of yourself in your profile. No excuses. In fact, put as many in your profile as you can. Think of this like placing a banner ad for orange juice on CNN's website. On the left is your ad, which is a text link that says "Drink My Wholesome Brand Orange Juice. It's delicious and healthy!" On the right is your competitor's ad, which is identical in text, "Drink Brand X Orange Juice. It's delicious and healthy" but also shows a large, colorful, and clear photo of a refreshing glass of vibrantly orange OJ with little sweaty beads of condensation running down the side. If you're in the market for orange juice, which one are you going to click?

Your profile will be one of hundreds, if not thousands upon thousands that will show up in potential matches' search results. Not only will having a photo make you stand out more, many sites give people the option of filtering search results to hide profiles without photos. Many people, myself included, take full advantage of that option. You just lost a huge swath of potential matches.

Photo no-no a-go go

Show your face. Pick a clear photo of yourself. Clear as in you can actually see your face and tell what you look like. Use this rule of thumb that I arbitrarily pulled out of my ass just this very second: if your head doesn't appear at least 1.25 to 2 inches high in the largest view of your photo available on the site, consider posting a more closeup photo. Or maybe it's plenty close up, but the site keeps resizing the whole thing so your head appears to be the size of a pea. You're going to have to crop the photo, which is chopping off the sides of the photo to make it smaller without making the main subject smaller (that's you, precious!). If you don't have photo editing software, you can use PXN8, a free online photo editing tool.

Use a recent photo. A photo of yourself from your high school prom 10 years ago is not a recent photo. And unless you swear on a stack of Bible books that you haven't changed a bit, even a photo that is a couple of years old probably isn't much good. If your photo isn't an accurate representation of what you look like right now (and I'm not talking about right this very second--no one would date you if they saw a photo of you with a huge zit, bed head, and a blue M&M stuck to your bare chest), then you are essentially lying in your profile. And you aren't a liar, are you? Well I guess if you were, you'd lie to me about it, wouldn't you.

Use a flattering photo. This one would seem obvious, but terrible pictures run rampant out there in web date land. If I were a cruel person, I would post some of them here for us all to laugh at, but the after-school-special-fact of the matter is, we can't help how we look. But we certainly can have photos that don't put us in awkward poses in inappropriate situations.

It's all you. If possible, your primary profile photo should be one that is a straight on shot of just you without the distraction of other people in frame. Most people use a posed, but natural shot (don't force that smile!) or a casual shot. Some people go as far as to have professional photos taken for their profiles. Personally, I've never taken it that far, but if you're willing to go all out, then it's your call.

Nix the ex. This is one of the biggest complaints I hear from friends and other online daters. Using a photo of yourself with the ex scribbled or cropped out is as tacky as forcefully farting at the dinner table on the first date (hold onto that gem until the second or third date, ladies!). "Oh, but I look so cute in this photo!" It doesn't matter. Use a different one. No one wants to be reminded of your lovey dovey past relationship before even writing or meeting you.

Photo ID not required (and not wanted). The fact that I even mention this implies that I have seen this out there numerous times. "I don't have any recent photos, so I'll just scan my drivers license/passport/student id/Sam's Club card photo." Cease and desist! Did you just read that sentence? Your photo id? The photo everyone pisses and moans about being the most terrible photo ever taken of themselves? Yes! It is indeed a terrible photo. You're better off with no photo, a photo of your ex (without you in it), or a photo if you inappropriately touching a 12 year old Panamanian boy. In other words, BAD. Stop it.

No one cares about your pet but you. Of course you love your pet. Chances are good (and hopeful) that if you meet someone, they will love your pet, too. But right now, they don't care about how adorable your cat was in that little Santa hat or how precious your tiny new puppy is when he's sleeping in your slipper. Do you want to pose in a photo with your pet(s)? That is great! But profiles with one or two photos of you and 10 photos of your 3 dogs with you nowhere to be found screams nutjob.

Leave your unhealthy obsession offline. Do you think that Matthew McConaughey is just the dreamiest? Or that you wouldn't kick Elisha Cuthbert out of bed for eating crackers? Leave your star lust out of your profile photos. This is a profile that is supposed to be a sales tool for the product that is you. Plastering your favorite star all over your profile makes you look like a lovestruck teenager pinning posters of New Kids on the Block or the Swedish Bikini Team on their bedroom wall. It also runs the risk of tweaking the person looking at your profile with a bit of jealousy or worse, making them think that this perfect star is your ideal and that a real schlub could never match up to your standards.

No shirt. No service. Guys, this one is just for you. I hear this one time and time again from women. Put a shirt on for crying out loud. Yeah, I'm sure it's tempting to show off the goods when you work hard on those abs, but to put it bluntly, you look like a douchebag. For your main profile, use a normal, fully-clothed shot of yourself. Want to show off those pecs and arms? Maybe slip a casual shot of yourself with the guys having a few beers out on the lake last summer. But no flexing. No posing. And for the love of God, no greasing up. Ladies, get as naked and greasy as you like in your photo. Guys love it.

Photo excuse abuse

Here are the top excuses I hear for not posting a photo.

"But what if one of my coworkers/friends/family sees it?" I don't know--what if one of your coworkers sees you drunk at the bar dry humping the pool table or getting a drink thrown in your face for the third time that night? If someone in your work or social circle is surfing personals websites, odds are good that they are in the same boat you are in the dating department. If they find it and give you crap about it, call them on the fact they themselves were looking at online dating profiles and are huge hippocrits. Then find their profile, print it out, and post it in the break room in the office with a post it note that says, "Can't find the Fleckman file. Can't find a date, either!!!"

"You hear about online stalkers all the time. I don't want people on the internet to know what I look like." You're right about needing to be careful to avoid creepy stalkers, but unless your photo is of you wearing a name tag, next to the name plate on your office door at work, you're fine. Do you work in retail, or in a bar or restaurant? Ladies in particular, do not include info identifying where you work in your profile. You will get even more creepy guys coming in to ogle you than normal.

"I'm ashamed of my (weight/nose/big ears/complexion/bad teeth/frizzy hair/blah blah blah). Nobody will write to me!" Here's my advice to Opie from Aunt Bea moment. Nobody's perfect. When I first tried online dating right after college, I was quite a bit heavier than I am now. For a while, I was embarrassed to put my photo in a profile. What girl wants a fat guy? But think of it this way. How many blind dates are you going to go on where the other person realizes upon seeing you that "a few extra pounds" really means a few extra pounds and is immediately turned off. Now you're wasting at least a couple of hours of your life with a person who doesn't want to be there with you. Back into Aunt Bea mode--if you really let yourself shine through in your profile, there is someone out there that isn't bothered by your double-wide, big nose, dopey eared, zit-faced, bucktooth, fuzzball ass. In fact, they might be totally into exactly that.

"I want a guy/girl who appreciates me for me. My looks shouldn't matter." You just keep telling yourself while you're clipping your toenails alone at home on the couch next Saturday night. Like I said, a large percentage of personals users, guys in particular, filter out or ignore search results that do not contain photos. "But that's so superficial." Sorry, but right or wrong, it's called reality. Looks are what draw a lot of people's initial curiosity to read your profile. From there, it's up to you and your personality to keep them interested.

"I don't have a digital camera or a scanner." I'm going to resist my temptation to rail against your luddite ass for not having a digital camera in this day and age (my mother even has one). But you really should have one. Failing that, use that 35mm camera to snap a few shots, take them down to Target, Wal-mart, CVS, Walgreens, National Camera, or just about any other place that processes photos, and ask them to put the photos on a CD. Now you have digital photos of yourself. So there. While it might be slightly more expensive, it certainly isn't going to take up any more of your time than having prints made. You say you don't even have a camera? Well borrow one! Alternately, CVS and a few other stores now sell one-time use digital cameras. You pay $15-$20, which includes the photo processing. You can get a CD of your photos, and you're set.

Check yourself out

Once you've selected and uploaded your photos, take a few moments to see how they look in your profile. Most online dating sites have a link or option that lets you see your profile how other people will see it. Go through each photo, make sure it didn't get cut off in an unflattering way and that the website's uploading feature didn't automatically resize and crop your photo to the point of making it too small or otherwise screwing it up. But if you've followed my advice, you should look scrumptious, darling. May I bite you?

Speaking of things you should never say to anyone ever, next time, we'll have a chitty chat about making your move in the online world.

Write an online dating profile that isn't totally lame

Now that you've got the skinny on some of the big and not so big dating websites out there, you're considering posting a profile. C'mon admit it. You're tired of making witty comments around the house with no one there to hear them. If only that someone special was there. You could laugh and laugh, and she (or he) could tell you to shut up, that you're not funny, then smack you around and order you to cook up a pork chop. If you dream it, you can do it.

As someone who has been around the online dating block a time or two (read I can't seem to find a girlfriend to save my life), I'd like to give you a few tips. You'll need to find a personals website, post a profile, write to someone, and hopefully (cross your fingers, fugly) meet someone for a date. Today, let's focus on writing your profile.

I've already written a little sumpin sumpin to help you pick a dating website, so think about what you're looking for and pick one one out. Don't go ape and join a bazillion sites right off the bat. Just pick one for now and stick with that until you get a feel for the dynamics of the whole process. This is particularly true if you aren't terribly comfortable with or adept at communicating via email or IM. And if you don't know what email is, then I am not capable of teaching at a remedial enough level for you. Stand up, turn around, walk out your front door, yell into the street asking what email is, and enjoy the waves of laughter directed at you in return.

Now that you've picked the personals site that fits you best, you need to post a profile. This is where a lot of people freeze up. "Writing? I'm terrible at writing?" If you say that, then I'm willing to bet you are probably telling the truth, but that's ok. "But I don't know what to say about myself!" Well, that's going to be a problem. Honestly, since the two things I love the most are writing and talking about myself (I'm pretty fantastic!), I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice to someone who can't write and can't think what to say about themselves, but I'm going to do my best.

Get help

Don't be afraid to ask for help from a friend or family member to get ideas for your profile. Ask a friend of the same sex and another of the opposite sex why they like hanging out with you. Do you know the parents of your friend? If you are on remotely good terms, talk to your friend's mother. Secretly, she probably wishes you would marry her precious child and that the two of you would spurt out kids like an overturned daycare bus. Maybe she won't completely get the online dating thing, but ask her for a few ideas on what to say about yourself. She'll be overjoyed to help such a sweet boy/girl find another sweet boy/girl (all this dual gender writing is exhausting).

Get more help!

You said it yourself, you're not all that great of a writer. Do you have a friend that is good with those bunches of squiggly deals? You know...um...words n' junk? Exploit them like a toddler in Indonesian soccer ball factory (a lot of kids are getting hurt in my similes today). Take advantage of their experience by having them help you write your profile, but the keyword is HELP you write it. Tempting as it may be, don't have them write it for you. This is all about you giving a tantalizing glimpse at your personality. And if you don't really have much personality, then just let your friend write the damn thing. Offer them dinner and a drink as a thank you for their help, but make it contingent on meeting someone really hot because of their collaboration.

Now there are too many people at my computer!

You and your helpers don't have to sit at the computer and type the whole thing in the website's form for crying out loud. Take a notebook with you and take some notes. Or if you have a laptop, type it up in a program like Microsoft Word so you can easily save it frequently and work on it later. When you're done, copy it and paste it into the form at the website.

Be honest

It seems silly to say it, but don't lie! Don't make up hobbies just to make yourself sound interesting. You like knitting quietly at home? Don't make up a bunch of stuff about skydiving, cliff jumping, and kidnapping senators' daughters. You're going to get responses from people who are totally wrong for you. And fill out the criteria in the profile truthfully, too. Packing on a few pounds? Don't select "Athletic and Toned" or "Buns of Steel" for the body type option. Select something more like "a few extra pounds" or "some puddin' in the trunk" or whatever the option is. Besides, if your bullcrap does snag you a date, they're going to find out eventually. Lying about something physical like weight is going to come out right off the bat on the first date. Maybe he/she wouldn't have had a problem with your weight, your baldness, your bad teeth, or whatever the issue. But they're sure as hell not going to be happy about being lied to before even meeting you.

Spellcheck, spellcheck, spellcheck!

Another advantage of first typing your profile in Word or a similar program is that you can check it for spelling. In fact, where did that friend of yours go? Have them proofread it since they're such a smarty pants. You might be a sexy, hilariously charming rocket scientist with a soft spot for kittens and a collection of shiny European sports cars, but peppering your profile with misspelled words could leave you fighting over the online dating scraps. The eligible singles with half a brain in their head will pass up your profile, leaving you to chat with high school dropout single parents in their 40's who sleep in the nude mostly because they can't find sleepwear that fits them in the big n' beautiful section at Wal-mart. But maybe that's your bag.

The 20 word dash

Perhaps you're not much of a writer, but evidently you're not much of a reader, either. You're considering ignoring my advice and cranking out a slapdash profile that reads, "I'm a fun (guy/girl) that loves to have fun and party. I want to meet a super sexy and fun (guy/girl) who likes to go out and have fun!" Seriously, I'm going to have to smack you. That tells potential dates absolutely NOTHING about you other than you are an airhead without a clue as to what you are looking for or even who you yourself are. You may laugh at the absurdity of it, but this is the paraphrased core text of a disturbingly large percentage of profiles out there. For starters, EVERY FRIGGIN' PERSON ON THIS PLANET LIKES TO HAVE FUN!! The key question to ask yourself is what do you think is fun? Your suitor's idea of fun and your idea of fun may differ vastly...

Him: Going to rock shows and riding snowmobiles in Montana.
Her: Knitting a sweater for her wee purse dog and yelling hurtful epithets at little people.

Her: Going for bike rides and soaking up sun in a boat out on the lake.
Him: Drilling holes in the heads of drifters and pouring in foreign chemicals in attempts to create zombie sex slaves.

Next time: Picking out a profile photo that doesn't make you look like a zombie sex slave making little person hater.

Nuke a schlong

File this under 'H' for "Huh???" Tips for passing the drug test... First, stop taking drugs...forever. Failing that, find some clean pee. Have to pee in front of someone? Find a fake wang, fill it with the drug-free tinkle and warm in up in the microwave. But don't do it at a convenience store. And if you're a woman, you might want to consider abandoning the part with the fake penis.



Customers cook up trouble with fake penis

JOE MANDAK

Associated Press

PITTSBURGH - A woman who claimed she was trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought she had microwaved a severed penis, police said.

The clerk at the store outside Pittsburgh actually microwaved a prosthetic device used to cheat on drug tests, police said Friday.

The incident unfolded late Thursday afternoon when a man and a woman entered the store and the man asked the clerk, "Can you microwave something for me? It's a life-or-death situation," according to an account the woman later gave police.

The man asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds, said McKeesport police Chief Joseph Pero.

When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to the man and saw what she thought was a severed penis, Pero said.

After news reports Friday, a woman called police to say she was with the man in the store and gave her account of what happened, Pero said.

The woman told police she was applying for a job and was required to take a drug test. She said the man had filled the device with his urine, which she planned to submit for the test, Pero said.

According to the woman, the couple stopped to warm the device in the microwave so the urine would "pass the body temperature test," Pero said - that is, be warm enough to not arouse the suspicion of those administering the test.

Pero said police weren't sure why the woman was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia.

The woman wasn't applying for a job at the convenience store, but Pero said he didn't know anything else about the job.

The chief said the woman planned to come to the police station for an interview. Police Friday night said they had no new information and said the chief would have to answer any further questions on Monday.

Pero wouldn't release the names of the man or woman. Charges, including harassment and disorderly conduct, were possible, he said.

The clerk at the Giant Eagle Get Go! is "still visibly shaking," Pero said.

Giant Eagle, which owns the convenience store, said the microwave will be discarded.

moblog test

This here is a test of the emergency mobile blogging system. Had this
been a real emergency you probably would have panicked and accidentally
snapped the neck on that hooker you have got there. Doing this from my
phone could be interesting.

Guide to online dating websites

Think of me what you may, but I am an online dater. I have met two past girlfriends through Match.com and I've long since lost track of how many dozens upon dozens of first and last go nowhere dates I have been on since moving to the Twin Cities in 1999. Most of them I met via personals websites. Excuses? Regrets? I have none. Daunting as it can be, it's just a good way to meet single women without either party's judgment being impaired by alcohol (unless you tend to surf personals sites whilst drunkened by liquors). And if you are out there tsk, tsk, tsking at how pathetic I am, all I have to say to you is YOU ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER READING MY BLOG!!! How's that for pathetic? Very. That's how pathetic. And how's that for answering my own rhetorical question for some reason? Very well. That's how it is.

Let's take a look at a few dating sites I use or have used in the past (yes, I really have used all of them at one time or another). Note that any observations about the types of people that seem to frequent particular sites or about the number of profiles that show up in searches are based strictly on my own personal criteria, which at a very broad level are single college-educated women in their mid 20's to early 30's with no children and who live in or near the Minneapolis-St Paul metro area. I'm willing to bet most of my observations can be extrapolated to other age groups and cities, but just something to keep in mind.

Next time: Tips for writing your profile.

* Match.com
* Cupid.com
* AmericanSingles
* LoveHappens
* Yahoo Personals
* Hot or Not
* City Pages Personals
* Lavalife
* Date.com
* eHarmony
* Chemistry
* MySpace

Match.com
Match is arguably the 800-lb gorilla amongst dating sites. They were one of the first around to successfully build a business out of online dating and have honed their site design and tools to a science over the years. In my opinion, if you're only going to post a profile on one site, and especially if you're only going to pay for a full subscription to only one dating site, Match is far and above my top recommendation.

The crowd: All walks of life, all corners of the socioeconomic spectrum. In other words, real, honest to goodness normal people (interspersed with your garden variety loonies like you'd meet anywhere else in your offline life).

What's free: Posting a profile and photos, advanced searching, reading profiles, viewing one photo for each profile, receiving and reading messages and "Winks" (a way non paid members and lazy people can show someone they're interested without actually writing a message).

What's paid: Sending email. You can't even reply to email from paid members unless you yourself are a paid member. I also believe you must be a paid member to view photos other members have posted in their profiles, except the first one, which is viewable with a free account. For additional fees, you can have your profile highlighted to stand out in search results

How much: $34.99/month to $16.99/month if you prepay 6 months.

Best features: Reading and anonymously replying to messages from Match members from your email account instead of being tied to Match's website. Seeing which users looked at your profile. Quick glance summary of who recently wrote to you and vice-versa. Detailed advanced search let's you literally get as specific as "slender non-smoking food service workers with a dog and big boobs." Saving multiple advanced searches makes it easy to rerun them later. Filtering profiles of people you're not interested in from appearing in future searches. Multiple sorting options of profile search results.

Worst features: Seeing which users have looked at you is nice, but other users knowing you've looked at their profile seems to cause occasional undue excitement from other users thinking that just because you clicked on their profile, you want to marry them and populate a deserted planet with them. MindFindBind with Dr. Phil--this guy, the last person on earth I'd listen to for advice on dating, much less proper storage of milk, is plastered everywhere in the site. My guess is complaints from users tired of having his smarmy mug seared into their retinas at every turn prompted Match's recent addition of the "hide MindFindBind with Dr. Phil" option. back to top

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Cupid.com

The crowd: Probably people that have heard their ubiquitous ads on any number of local radio stations. They tout themselves as a site for meeting local people, somewhat underhandedly implying you can't meet local people on other sites. But the pickings compared to Match are quite slim for Minneapolis.

What's free: Posting a profile and photos, searching profiles, replying to messages sent to you by paid members, sending "Eye Contacts" (equivalent to Match's Winks).

What's paid: Sending messages.

How much: Pricing info wasn't available at the time of this posting. I will update it when I can get it.$29.95 per month down to $8.33 per month if you prepay 12 months.

Best features: Seeing who has looked at your profile, quick summary on front page of how many new messages and Eye Contacts you have. Hiding specific profiles from future searches. So-so live chat (see comment from Cupid employee at the end of this posting).

Worst features: Other people seeing you've looked at their profile, less detailed advanced search, no sorting options for search results. Can't save searches or hide specific profiles from search results. (Per the comment from the Cupid employee below, I went back to the site and verified they do indeed now have this feature). back to top

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AmericanSingles

The crowd: People less inclined to details like grammar, spelling, reading, and reading comprehension. Lots of fake decoy profiles posted by spammers.

What's free: Nothing of much value. You can post a profile and photos, search profiles and photos, and send "Flirts" like Match's Winks. You can't even read messages sent to you or see who sent them unless you are a paid member. Why bother?

What's paid: Sending messages, even just reading them or seeing who sent you messages!

How much: $29.99/month to $14.99/month if you prepay 5 months

Best features: Seeing who looked at your profile and who has "hot listed" you. Yes/No interest buttons next to profiles can give you immediate feedback of a potential match if the other person also clicked Yes on your profile.

Worst features: Others seeing that you looked at your profile. Each profile pops up in a new window when you click it. Advanced searches are anything but (you can't even filter out based on whether someone has or wants children, a staple of almost all other sites' advanced searches) Maddening tendency of their filters to randomly remove swaths of text from your profile to keep people from posting personal contact info in order to avoid paying for a subscription. Live chat interface is ponderous. back to top

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LoveHappens (formerly Tickle Dating, formerly Emode Dating)

The crowd: Slim pickings to say the least! Seems like it tends to be younger people (read teenies and immature early 20-somethings) who were probably drawn in by Tickle's "who's your inner rock star" type quizzes.

What's free: Posting a profile and photos, searching, viewing photos, sending. I also believe you can reply for free to messages sent by paid members.

What's paid: Sending messages.

How much: $20/month; keep the subscription active 6 months, and you are given a free lifetime paid membership.

Best features: Yes/No interest buttons next to profiles can give you (nearly) immediate feedback of a potential match if that person also clicked Yes on your profile. With your approval, friends and family can create non-dating profiles and post "testimonials" about you, though this feature is little used. Multiple saved advanced searches.

Worst features: Site layout and user interface in general are not intuitive and are dated, particularly in comparison to Match or Yahoo. Every screen seems to explode with visual clutter, making it difficult to find what you are looking for. No options for sorting search results. back to top

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Yahoo Personals

Overall, I'd say Yahoo safely has the runner-up ribbon to Match's first place tiara. If you want to expand your dating horizons and plunk down money for two personals sites (you shameless online dating slut!!), swipe your credit card here, sign here, initial here, and pee in this cup.

The crowd: Much like Match, this one seems popular with about every walk of life you can imagine. Unfortunately, it also seems quite popular with spammers, though it seems like Yahoo is getting progressively better at preventing fake profiles from being posted.

What's free: Posting a profile and photos, searching profiles and viewing photos, sending Ice Breakers (like Match's Winks). Can't reply to messages sent by paid members unless you are also a paid member.

What's paid: Sending messages, even if you are replying to a message sent by another member, you must be a paid subscriber. For an additional fee, you can also subscribe to a more detailed personality-based matching option.

How much: $24.95/month to $12.49 if you prepay 6 months. Or for "Premier" service, the personality matching service, $39.95/month to $20.83/month if you prepay 6 months

Best features: Multiple saved advanced searches, keyword searching, numerous sorting and display options for search results, profiles often have more specific details like TV watching habits, attendance of religious services, and style of humor.

Worst features: The "Hide profile" feature tries unsuccessfully to mimic Match's ability to filter undesirable profiles from future search results but fails miserably. Hidden profiles seem to randomly pop up in the middle of search results, and the saved list of hidden profiles is sometimes reset and lost. The initial version also only allowed up to 100 profiles to be hidden. Also, you have to actually click on and open the profile to hide it. This feature is relatively new, and hopefully Yahoo will work out the kinks soon. Search results almost invariably contain duplicate listings of multiple profiles. Mouseover popup details in "gallery" view of search results often get in the way and are more annoying than useful. back to top

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Hot or Not

This site is known for letting desperately needy attention whores find out if they are Hot or Not (whoa, totally eponymous, dude!) by having their photo rated by the unwashed masses. Using their “Meet Me” feature, you can also meet some of those hot (or not) girls and guys for a date. Immediate rejection of ugly people has never been more socially acceptable than here.

The crowd: People that are really hot or horrendously ugly, like cute college girls and your mom, respectively. Teenies and 20-somethings that are looking for a bump and run, a date, and in rare case, true love (but maybe just a roll in the hay first, love).

What's free: Posting your profile and multiple photos. Replying to paid members who have written to you.

What's paid: Writing to other users (once both of you have clicked "Yes" on one another's profiles), sending virtual flowers.

How much: $6/month

Best features: Quick and simple interface. Quickly scan through photos, read the short blurb, and click Yes or No, then move onto the next profile.

Worst features: You only view one profile at time, and the order is completely random. Other than knowing a broad age range (18-25, 26-32, etc), you have no idea how old the person is unless they specifically mention it in their profile. The quick and simple interface also means scant availability of details about each person. There's no telling for sure if they are an 18 year old high school dropout or a 25 year old chemist working on a masters degree. back to top

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City Pages Personals (aka Onion Personals, etc)

City Pages Personals is actually a branded version of a personals site used by many other alternative weekly newspapers, including The Village Voice and The Onion.

The crowd: In addition to dorky white bread suburbanites like me, you can take your pick from those enjoying the tattooed and pierced world of urban hipsterdom.

What's free: Posting a profile and photo, viewing profiles and primary photos, very limited searching (age and gender), replying to messages from paid members, sending Winks.

What's paid: Advanced searches (location, height, has kids, religion, etc.), viewing all profile photos, writing to members. A higher tier of paid membership also grants priority for profile reviews and shows your profile before other members in search results.

How much: $34.94/month to about $9/month if you prepay 15 months (12 plus 3 free) or a lesser tier for $22.94/month to $9.94/month if you prepay 12 months.

Best features: Profiles have detailed and fun questions like "If I had a million dollars..." and "In my bedroom one will find..."

Worst features: Having to pay for advanced searching is just lame. A previous incarnation of the site allowed hiding specific profiles from search results like Match and Yahoo (well not like Yahoo since the City Pages version actually worked correctly), but that went bye bye with the new version of the site that was rolled out last year. back to top

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Lavalife (formerly WebPersonals)

The crowd: A small one, relatively speaking. This Toronto-based site has been around since the mid to late 90's, but doesn't seem to have quite the presence of the bigger players. Maybe it's a bigger deal in Canada like weed rolled in serviettes.

What's free: Creating and viewing profiles and photo, replying to messages from paid members, sending Smiles (like Match's Winks).

What's paid: Messaging is credit-based. Instead of paying a monthly fee, you purchase credits, which can be applied at any time to sending a message or initiating a video or text chat (chats are purchased in 30 minute increments). This is a nice option since if you see someone you like, you can pay to play without screwing around canceling recurring membership charges down the road.

How much: $14.99 for 50 credits to $39.99 for 200 credits. 6 credits for the first message you send to a person with no additional charge for future correspondence with that user. I couldn't find info on the cost of chat and video sessions.

Best features: Text and video chatting. Can optionally create a profile for each of three categories, Dating, Relationships, and Intimate (aka bump and run).

Worst features: Searches are limited. Site layout and user interface are cumbersome with draconian limitations like disabling right mouse clicks. back to top

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Date.com (aka MatchMaker)

The crowd: Two toothless women gathered around a jar of rotting mayo.

What's free: Posting and searching photos and profiles, "Showing Interest" like Match's Winks.

What's paid: Sending messages and replying to messages sent by paid members, text, voice, and video chat.

How much: $24.95/month to $7.99/month if you prepay 12 months

Best features: ?

Worst features: Searches aren't terribly advanced. Other than that, this site just doesn't offer stellar features that make it stand out amongst the others. back to top

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eHarmony

The crowd: People looking for a lasting relationship through the magic of a computer telling them they should love each other.

What's free: Spending several hours going through their personality tests to post a profile and photos.

What's paid: Being matched up with and viewing profiles of people with neuroses that mesh nicely with your own.

How much: $59.95/month to $20.95/month if you prepay 12 months

Best features: The fancy schmancy matching system supposedly is quite picky about finding your match and will only show you people with compatible personality traits.

Worst features: Expensive. Detailed personality matching means you might be paying through your nose for months and months before getting a match, only to get one that looks like they were run over by a beet truck. But they have a great personality. back to top

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Chemistry

Chemistry is Match.com's foray into the personality-based dating world. Users fill out a personality profile which is lengthy detailed, but not as involved as eHarmony's profile.

The crowd: Young professionals from all backgrounds. Since this is from Match.com, a lot of their users are trying it.

What's free: To be honest, I am not terribly clear on that. It appears to be 100% free, but I can't tell if that's because I'm a paid Match member or not. UPDATE: It looks like you do have to pay to contact other people.

What's paid: Contacting other members.

How much: $49.95/month to about $21/month if you prepay for 12 months.

Best features: Superb site design and easy to follow steps for indicating interest or a lack of interest in matches presented to you. Email contact between users cannot be initiated until a series of steps involving answering questions selected by the other person, indicating importance of certain relationship criteria, etc. are completed and both parties agree they still interested through each step.

Worst features: Expensive. Matches are presented each day and don't seem to closely match selected criteria or personality aspects. Based on my one experience meeting someone from this site. back to top

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MySpace

This site, like Friendster and others, is actually a social networking website. It ostensibly can be used for finding bands, blogging, meeting friends, catching up with old classmates and coworkers, and making business contacts, but let's face it, this is more meat market than any sweaty night club or bar you've ever stepped foot in. People are there to see and be seen. Eye humping runs rampant.

The crowd: Horny teens challenged in written communication, college students, and the rest of us who laugh at them. It's so popular that even your granny might have a profile.

What's free: All of it, stem to stern.

What's paid: Nothing. Though you do pay for it by being harassed by manic animated banner ads and being visually assaulted and every turn with games, sounds, videos, and eye scarring color schemes users put into their profiles.

How much: Free.

Best features: It's a great forum for local bands to find new listeners and keep in touch with their current fans. A simple environment for first time bloggers. Reading hilariously socially (and grammatically) unacceptable public comments from horndog guys on the profiles and photos of attractive young women.

Worst features: The site is buggy as all hell. Being pounded by literally tens of millions of users often causes slow response times and complete system outages. Every few clicks are sure to result in an error message. Profiles are often offline for "routine maintenance" and features are prone to randomly stop working for days at a time. Advanced profile browsing options are implemented inconsistently. For example, you can search for single women, aged 25 to 34, looking for friends, dating, or serious relationships, but you can only select one option at a time for "Wants kids" and that option curiously includes "Proud Parent". Why not separate Has Kids and Wants Kids like every other site on the planet and let you select multiple options at once for each? back to top

I need chapstick for my nose

I've been blowing my nose nonstop since late last week. Today the nasal faucet finally seems to be slowing its drip. But now the skin between my nostrils feels like sandpaper from blowing on the snot trumpet. I have lotion at work, but it stinks like hobo feet, so I covertly swiped my Burt's Bees lip balm under my nose. The minty smell was my reward all day long. But my nose still feels like Bea Arthur's vagina.

Lottardation

This is what you want to see with a big lottery jackpot. Multiple, everyday, blue collar people strike it rich. Not just one dude will hoard it all, blow it on strippers and coke, and leave his wife for a hot former porn star. Now 8 families will be destroyed. Kick ass.

Yes, I am negligent in my blogging lately. Work and responsibility call. I'm actually working on several postings for coming days, including one I'll post tonight. So sit tight, jizz monkeys.

Making love to the Tivolution (but not Rocketboom)

Yesterday my Tivo downloaded a buttload of features full of internet love. My favorites so far are the local movie listings and podcast streaming (I caught up on a few 93X HAMS segments I'd missed while I made dinner last night). If you have a Yahoo account, you can also check local weather and traffic and view your Yahoo photo albums and the photo albums of other users who've shared them with you. I have yet to get the Yahoo traffic feature to work though. So far it just gives an error about "network problems" of some sort.

I'm seeing vlogs being the next step in the Tivolution. They've already let you subscribe to the vlog at Rocketboom for a few months now. New Rocketboom vlogs show up each day with your other recorded shows in your Now Playing List. I subscribed for a week or so when they first offered it, but despite Amanda Congdon being yummy on a subatomic level, I'm not feeling the love for the insanely popular 'boom. Her manic chair spinning, button whapping delivery is too over the top for my taste. Plus I find 99% of the stories to be dull. I could mute the video and watch her all damn day though.

What are you wearing right now?

It's 11:30 am on a Saturday. What are you wearing right this very minute? Are you just getting up after a night of drunken carousing? Just getting in? Or are you still in bed and not reading this (in which case, why am I addressing you)?

Due to the witch's tit cold that has enveloped our state, I'm toasty warm in my ratty green robe, my Homer Simpson slippers that look like his head with his mouth wrapped around my feet, and a turtleneck I haven't taken off since I put it on yesterday morning. Incidentally I just noticed I must have dribbled bbq sauce on said turtleneck when I made an impromptu meal of pork ribs last night. That's right, ladies. Come and get it.

Porn-related error

Fun with the error generator....

Cold is the new hot

Bitching about the weather is all the rage in Minnesota. Too fucking humid. Too fucking hot. Too fucking cold. Because it does get too fucking humid, too fucking hot, and too fucking cold. There are precisely 3.5 hours in a given year where the outdoor temperature and humidity are comfortable. And those usually occur around 2 or 3 am on a Wednesday in June. If you ever happen to find a satellite photo of Minnesota taken within one of those windows of time, I suspect you'll find millions of tiny bright dots marking the locations of men, women, and children wandering bleary eyed and naked (save a kerchief) into their front yards holding candles. You have to set your alarm when this event is forecast because it's the only shot you're going to get at natural comfort for almost another whole year.

Now you'd think this would be a night of communal celebration, but often individuals who work a graveyard shift that night or, God forbid, forget to set their alarm are so distraught over missing this once a year shot that they quickly spiral into a deep depression. Within 48 hours, most either shoot themselves in the head or slip into a warm bath with a plugged in hair dryer. The joy of this meteorological perfection is drastically tempered by a shadow of foreboding, as everyone knows they're going to lose several friends, loved ones, coworkers, and acquaintances within a couple of days. In fact, in 1999, Governor Jesse Ventura declared the third Monday in June to be "Bury Your Unhappy Dead Day." Most businesses are closed that day as their employees will more than likely be spending it traveling from funeral to funeral.

All of this comes to mind as today I look at my thermometer and see -10 degrees. A week ago, I was in sunny Arizona basking in the mid 70's. Now I'm shifting uncomfortably in my chair because my penis froze to my thigh when I ran out to get the mail. It's too fucking cold.

A big uproar!

If big uproar means one negative comment that is. Usually my posts are read by a few people here and there every day, but today MNSpeak posted a link on their front page to this post from last night. That link alone has generated more traffic to my blog in less than 24 hours than I usually get in a month. I braced myself for a humorless subset of twats to be outraged by a perceived lack of compassion on my part. But all I've received so far is one anonymous comment: "Horribly callous..."

I'd initially tossed out an offhand retort in the form of a reply comment, but I continued to find it both mildly irritating and bemusing enough to further explore and reflect on the topic of humorless twats in general.

Since I have always had the pleasure of finding humor and amusement in even the most mundane aspects of my daily existence, I have always puzzled about those in this world that are set to outrage or indignance at the drop of a hat. These are the people who read The Onion and cluck their tongues at those who dare to be so insensitive as to find humor in social and moral issues of the day. These are the people who take their own interpretation of commentary to be the gold standard. It doesn't matter what the speaker or writer intended to convey; it only matters how they interpreted it.

So, Mr/Ms Tongueclucker, before passing judgement on my supposed callousness and lack of compassion for the homeless, perhaps you should have started a dialogue with me about the problem of homelessness in our country. Instead of wagging fingers, let's participate in the open trading of personal insights and even possible solutions. For example, one idea I have involves luring them into a warehouse with a wide assortment of vittles, locking them in, filling the building with carbon monoxide to gently render them unconscious, then lighting the building ablaze. There, was that so hard? You needed only to have asked.

Welcome to a land we like to call "America."

Homeless guys are depressing

Homeless guys shouldn't beg on Valentine's Day. It's already depressing enough for those of us who spent it alone (yet again). What's more depressing than contemplating another year of solitude while driving to work in the morning? Contemplating it while a homeless guy is standing a few feet from your car begging for change. Take a day off, dude! Take a big ol' fistfull of that change, and buy your homeless sweetheart some toothpaste (to eat--she won't be chewing cherry cordials or brushing vigorously with only one tooth in her head anyway). It will be a vacation for both you and for those both alone and in relationships who are in one way or another disillusioned with V-Day.

I propose homeless dudes also take the following as vacation days:

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day - Thinking about the sad truth of racial oppression AND homelessness on the same day? One problem at a time, society!

Labor Day - Take a break from standing with your hand out. You deserve it!

My birthday - I mean really. It's my birthday. Why don't YOU give something to ME? Hmm?

Here is my promise to all current actively begging homeless people in the Twin Cities. If you take off all of the above holidays in 2006 (including MLK day in 2007), I will personally pay for your copy of TurboTax Premier for tax year 2006, including ItsDeductible. Itemize the shit out of that tax return!

The Poop on AZ

Sorry, no time to post anything substantial tonight while I'm in Arizona, but it may (but most likely won't) interest you that I've updated my Poop States to include AZ. Let's see, how many weeks 'til I'm 30?

What is evil?

Evil is visiting your aunt and uncle in beautiful, sunny Arizona and finding out their computer is in the bedroom you're staying in. Pathetic is popping an erection because now I can blog whilst on vacation. And here I am. Sorry about the fine china I knocked over with my raging blog boner (blogoner? bloner?)

Not much to report on my actual trip other than a message to all of my friends and family back in the freezing north: enjoy the snow, nutsack chompers. I ran 5.5 miles this morning outside in delightfully sunny, 60-some degree temps and enjoyed the mid-70's as the day rolled forward. I ate an orange straight off the tree in my aunt and uncle's yard and lolled about.

We got a somewhat late start today since my uncle was scheduled to be on the air for a phone interview with a radio station back in North Dakota (he is the president of a charitable organization and it was related to that role). But basically today consisted of ogling multi-million dollar homes, taking in cactus filled scenery, and doing some touristy shopping (I have a great haul of local scoville-riffic bbq sauce, salsas, and a relish that'll blow your colon through the floor).

Completely unrelated, my blog traffic logs revealed an interesting tidbit about how some people are getting here. Do a google search on neighbor changing clothes. Somehow afterglide is the second link down. This is why reviewing logs is so addicting!

Hello to the farewell

I was going to take a breather before my trip, but now two people have written about my Farewell to decency and common sense from the other day. I didn't realize it would be taken quite so seriously. But considering the expletive-filled diatrabes I normally throw over the plate, I shouldn't be surprised at the misinterpretation.

No, it is not a heartbroken farewell to a lost love or friend of mine. It's a mildly (and I do stress "mildly") silly letter from your average guy, afraid to show any capacity for compassion or decency out of fear of looking like a wuss in front of other people. It also seemed to follow that he might as well kick common sense to the curb, as well. I didn't exactly intend it to be a barrel of guffaws, but evidently it was more subtle than I realized. Regardless, I loved getting the feedback.

Now back to your regularly scheduled postings about monkeys throwing poo and leprechauns farting billowy clouds of potpourri-scented marshmallows.

Off to the AZ

I'm off to Phoenix on the morrow for a few days, so it will likely be early next week before I post much of anything here. Feed my squirrels and tape my shows while I'm gone.

Speaking of squirrels, I think one of those fuckers got into my cooktop vent the other day. There was a big ol' ruckus in there that did not sound mechanical or windblown. I whapped at the duct with a wooden spoon, and I heard a chatter and a scoot (shutup, you can totally hear a scoot). Paranoia caused me to secure the cupboard doors above the cooktop with the wooden spoon. That's all I need is to come home to find a house full of squirrel shit and chewed up sweater vests. I'm all about the sweater vests.

Not gay enough

"That is so gay!" Thankfully, this a phrase that has never been a habitual part of my catalog of utterances and exclamations. But it's one that is often the topic of much discourse amongst my friends and underage lovers (and trust me, the two groups are mutally exclusive, despite what Oprah tells you).

Basically the premise behind "...so gay!" is that gay is bad. Tsk! Quite an insensitive thing to say because gay is not bad. Gay is just...well, gay. Homosexuality is not inherently bad, just as it is not inherently good. In fact, I'd go as far as to say everybody's just a little gay. Except people who are not gay ENOUGH. You know who you are. You wander out of the house in your ratty gravy-stained sweatpants, your unwashed, wrinkly "Who Farted?" t-shirt, stinking to high hell of creamed corn and Aqua Velva. You give men everywhere, heterosexual and homosexual alike, a bad name. Gay it up a notch, goddammit! I'm not asking you to give up the 'tang. Just be a smidge more gay. Match your belt to your shoes. Wear a shirt without a beer logo on it. Shave your fucking ears. SOMETHING for the chrissakes! Please. For all of us.

Farewell to decency and common sense

We all knew this day would come eventually. I just didn't expect it to sneak up on us so quickly.

Decency, let's face it--I've had a love-hate relationship with you from the beginning. Foolish male bravado sometimes has prevented me from expressing affection for you in front of others. Often, I haven't even wanted to admit my feelings for you to myself. For all of the times I've pretended I had no use for you, I am sincerely sorry. You deserve much better, someone who will fully embrace you on every level.

Common sense, you are the most difficult to let go of. Love doesn't even begin to describe my feelings for you. The thought of being without you sickens me to my core. But I feel like I'm not an equal partner in this relationship. I've misread you, misunderstood you, and completely ignored you. You deserve someone who can lavish you with their full attention at all times. I just don't think I have it in me to give that to you.

Goodbye to both of you. I'll never forget what you've done for me.

Love always,

Jeremy

Super Snore Sunday II

My previously mentioned coffee plans were cancelled a few hours beforehand, so I actually ended up being home during the Super Bowl. I ate fattening foods (an entree from Leeann Chin and a medium Chocolate French Silk Pie Blizzard from DQ--it's like God himself took a delicious chilled dump in a cup), but first was a good boy and did my workout. Thirty minutes of weights followed by 5+ miles of calf busting incline intervals on the tread.

After showering, I headed over to the ghost town that was Rainbow Foods in Eagan and did the Leeann Chin thing prior to the grocery thing since LC was going to close in 10 minutes. They had already dumped out the white rice, so I settled for fried (yes, fried is more delicious, but I like white rice because it's less fat and is easier to eat with chopsticks). Lately, the Eagan Rainbow's LC seems to have gone downhill. In particular, they seem to have taken on the maddening habit of throwing out all of their food before closing time. In once instance a couple of months ago, they actually had thrown everything out and closed up shop a full 10 minutes before closing time. I arrived just in time to see them dumping out the last of the food trays. That incident led me to complain to Leeann Chin customer service through their website. I'm sure some poor high school kid got chewed out, but come on. Someone's got to put on a management cod piece and make sure shit like that isn't going on.

As promised, I Tivo'd the game, but forwarded through play to watch the commercials. My assessment can be summed up in one word: eh. That's right, I said eh. I chuckled at a couple, but couldn't even tell you which ones those were. FedEx cavemen--snooze. Budweiser roof "repair" guys--snore. Godaddy big-titted girl's wardrobe malfunction--give me a break. The rest I can't even remember. Well I guess there was the announcement of the new razor with 5 blades. I shaved with 3 today and am smoother than a baby's ass, thank you very much. And I think I'm already paying more than $2 per replacement blade or something outrageous like that. What the hell will 5 blades cost me (other than the co-pay on a skin graft)?

Spring, where are you? I want sun and fresh air. I'm tired of evaluating tv commercials for the retired house painter and divorced mother of 2, the only people who read my blog. Hey, guys.

Super Snore Sunday

I am probably one of the few heterosexual men on planet America that do not care a lick about the Super Bowl (and I would venture to guess there are a LOT of gay men who care far more about football and sports in general than I do--so stuff THAT stereotype in your trousers with fancy mustard). The extent of my curiosity will be to Tivo the game in order to fast forward through the game and watch the commercials.

Granted, when invited to a Super Bowl party, I more than likely will accept. It's a fun opportunity to hang out with the guys, gorge on pizza and Doritos, and if it's a stag party, to burp and fart with impunity. Hell, even if the ladies are around I might light off a couple of wet barnburners with a Zippo (sorry about the curtains and the smoke damage last year, guys).

So where will I be during the Super Bowl tonight? I will skip it entirely this year in favor of hanging out at a nearly empty coffee shop, hopefully engaged in stimulating conversation and definitely hopped up on a big ol' mocha.

I'm back (he says tentatively)

Well fer the fuck sake. Looks like after a nearly TWELVE HOUR OUTAGE(!), my blog is once again available on blogspot. Owie, blogspot. Owie. Somewhat ironic since I moved all my shit over here a little over a month ago to escape the error farm of MySpace. I hate computers. What have they ever done for me? Oh yeah--earned me a living, provided a creative outlet, expanded my social circle, netted me many a date, and provided frequent sexual release (usually not involving the dates unfortunately). Good times.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

It ain't Arby's.

Dyslexic moment of the day

Misreading (in my head) the word "Idiotarod" in a news article as a nonexistant word pronounced "idiot-o-tard". I paused momentarily and thought, "well, that's not very nice...oh." I know. I'm such an idiototard.

Blowlogs $20

In reviewing my site traffic logs a few days ago, I discovered that afterglide is now in MNSpeak's Aggregator (I assume it was some sort of automagical crouching spider, hidden donkey technology, as certainly no one would consciously make a decision to add my drivel to it). Regardless, I welcome my new readers with open arms and dropped trousers. What comes next will hurt you more than it will hurt me. The redness and irritation will only last a few days, but the memories will last a lifetime. Not that the redness and irritation won't come back periodically. But let's stay focused on the memories.

From my occasional scans of The Aggregator, I feel somewhat out of place. Personal blogs make up over a third of the sites that it monitors, but the most frequent postings come from news and political blogs. So whenever I post something, the list of links on The Aggregator tends to follow the pattern of news article, news article, political rant, wackjob political rant, news article, Jeremy posts a photo of a half-baby and talks about hemorrhoid cream, political rant, news... There's a good SAT question in there somewhere, I just know it.

If walls could talk...and take photos of you changing clothes

Since I've somewhat consciously avoided much geeky shop talk here for the most part, I've never talked much about my home automation system (HAS). When I bought my house in 2000, one of my first projects was to set about integrating the house into a computer-controlled and monitored system. The first step was to replace most of the light switches with special X10 light switches. If X10 sounds familiar, you may have seen many of the ubiquitous popup ads for those crappylittle mini spy cameras (I know they're crappy from first hand experience) from x10.com. But don't confuse the company X10, which sells cameras and home automation products, with the protocol X10, which allows signals to be sent to devices over the existing power lines in your home through special X10 tranceivers that plug into an electrical outlet.

Ok, your first question is "why?" With my HAS, I can control my lights (on, off, even dim) with a remote control. The remote sends signals to a transceiver that plugs into the wall. Let's say I push the "ON" button on my remote for the dining room lights. The remote sends a signal to the transceiver, which is plugged into a plain old electrical socket. The transceiver then sends an X10 signal over the existing power lines in my home. My dining room light switch, which as I said was replaced with a special X10-based light switch, detects this signal and turns the lights on. So how do the kitchen and bedroom lights know not to come on? Each X10 module has a set of dials on it that let you set a unique address for it so that only a signal meant for that light switch will turn it on, off, or dim it. If the convenience of turning lights on and off with a remote doesn't answer "why," then I'm not going to bother explaining it to you.

What if you have a floor or table lamp that isn't controlled by a light switch? You can buy X10 modules that simply plug into an electrical outlet. You then plug the lamp into the module, and control it just as you do the light switches. Alternately, you could replace the entire electrical outlet with a special X10-controlled outlet.

Now all of this sounds horribly expensive, right? Well, it can be. If you invest in really high end modules, a single dimmer light switch can cost $80 or more. But X10.com (again, don't confuse the company with the protocol and technology--they are just one of many companies that manufacture and sell X10 products) brought HAS to the masses with inexpensive, and yes, cheap quality X10 modules. If you wait for a sale, you can get a special X10 remote for $10, the transceiver that receives and transmits the signals from the remote for $10, and the light switches, plug-in modules, and outlet modules for $10 each. Not too friggin' shabby. Add a serial computer interface for $20 or a USB computer interface for $60, and now you have the beginnings of a true HAS.

Ok, why a computer interface? What good could turning lights on and off with your computer possibly do? With relatively inexpensive software (it may have even come with your computer interface), you could set up a series of random timed events to turn lights on and off to make it look like someone's home while you're on vacation. But let's face it. You could do that two or three cheap timers from the hardware store. Let's get to the good stuff!

Ah, but the good stuff also starts getting a bit more expensive. To really get a true reactive home automation system, you're going to need devices that send signals based on certain criteria. Let's start with motion detectors. You've seen outdoor floodlights that are turned when motion is detected. You can also buy special motion detection floodlights that send an X10 signal when they are tripped for about $50 each. You can set up these motion floods to turn on other outdoor lights when they are tripped by sending an X10 signal, then turn them off with another signal when the flood light turns off.

Again, you ask, what good does this do? And again, I add a more expensive element to the fray, the control software for your computer. You can get inexpensive home automation software, but frankly, most of it is crap. I have sworn by Homeseer for 5 years. When I first purchased the product, it cost about $80 or $90. Now a full version of the latest version of their software costs $200. Ouch! But if you can afford it or save up for it, I highly recommend their product.

Homeseer can run invisible in the background on your computer when a certain activity is detected after dark. For example, the motion floods are tripped by someone walking through your back yard. Homeseer detects that event, checks whether it's after dark or not, then waits a moment, turns on your bedroom light, waits a few more moments, turns on the hallway light, then a few beats later turns on the the kitchen light. Homeseer can also randomize the spacing and timing of the lights turning on each time so that it isn't apparent that a computer is doing it. You can access Homeseer through a web-based interface, a screenshot of and monitor which is shown to the right.

Now I don't have my house quite this wired, but you can even install X10 drape and blind controls that will crack open the drapes just a smidge to add to the lived-in apperance and wire in an X10 IR transmitter that can turn your tv and stereo equipment on and off to also make it sound like someone is home, as well. Let's say that will be Phase 8 or 9 of my HAS. I'm probably sitting at about Phase 4 or 5 right now. *grin*

Oh, but what if Mr. Naughty McBadperson sees through your ruse and enters your lonely home while you're out of town getting a McRib in Tulsa? Well, if you really want to piss off the local police, you could set up Homeseer to use your voice-enabled modem to call 911. "Hello, this is an automated distress call from 123 Street Road. Motion was detected in the front yard. Could be a gang beating. Could be a burglar. Could be a kid using the yard as a shortcut or a squirrel dying of hardened arteries and falling out of a tree. I dunno. Just be a lamb and come over here to check it out, won't you? Kisses!" In my suburb, 3 or 4 of those will start bringing in $100 false alarm call fines.

You could also program Homeseer to call your cell phone. Or text you. Or email you. Or FedEx you a package with your wife's pretty head in it a la Se7en. But do you want to fly into a tizz and rush home everytime a squirrel dies in your yard? You do? Eh...up to you. But for me, I want to SEE what's going on for myself. Oh yeah, you know it--video cameras.

Now mind you, the whole idea of integrating video cameras into my HAS has been a long time coming, but it wasn't until a couple weekends again when a neighbor informed me his house had been broken into that my interest was renewed. I've actually had a low-light black and white $150 camera that is tiny and crazy durable (it's completely submersible and operable in extreme temps, so rain and snow won't damage it in the least) mounted outside my house for over 4 years. But ssshhhh! I never really used it much. In fact 99% of the last 4+ years, it's been sitting unplugged with no one and nothing monitoring it. Yes, I agree, it that was a waste of money, but I didn't realize that finding decent, relatively inexpensive camera monitoring software was going to be such a problem.

I tried demo versions of countless camera programs, only to be disappointed again and again. I wanted software that could monitor for motion in not just one, but multiple cameras at once. There are plenty of programs that will monitor multiple cameras, but most of them cycle through the cameras or are just outrageously priced. Monitor one for a few seconds, then flip to the next one, then the next one, and so on. To really monitor for motion in earnest, this approach is next to useless. Then I stumbled across SupervisionCam, an awkwardly named, but fantastically designed program written by a gentleman with a passable, but tenuous grasp on the English language. A fully functioning demo of the software is available, and it is $40 to register. For the features and quality of the software, this price is more than reasonable.

Individual features within SupervisionCam are not terribly unique. But all of these features combined with the ability for monitoring multiple cameras at once makes it a standout. All of the standards are there--the ability to sense motion within the camera frame, the ability to continuously save snapshots and/or upload snapshots to a web server or other system via ftp. You can also set it up to email you and upload those snapshots when motion is detected, and even run a command or other program on your computer. SC also lets you increase and decrease the motion detection sensitivity wholesale and draw "masks", or zones of no or reduced motion detection in the camera frame. This is particularly useful if part of the street is in the frame, and you don't want cars driving by to be counted as motion, or if there is a tree in your yard whose branches sway in the wind. Now you have a camera that can snap photos of Mr. McBadperson and email them to you instantly. So even if he steals your computer, you've got copies of the photos stored outside of your home.

Last night, I installed a second outdoor camera in my backyard for a total of three cameras monitored by my system (it also monitors my webcam inside the house when I'm gone). Depending on how well I can tinker with the settings and work the kinks out, I may add one or two more outdoor and/or indoor cameras over time.

Below are a couple snaps from the outdoor cams, including one that happened to catch me shoveling snow. Obviously these aren't going to take a clear photo of someone's face (hopefully the indoor webcam would), but they can help build a timeline and can just give you a head's up that something is going on at your house.
















---Both cameras are the same model, a submersible, black and white "bullet" camera from Smarthome. They both come with 100 feet of power and video cable. The cable for the front yard cam runs through the garage, into the house, through the false ceiling in the basement, and up into the room where my computer is. The second cam is a bit more interesting in how it sends the video feed. Since it's mounted away from the house, I bought a SecureView video transmitter for $100 from Target.com of all places. This transmitter, much in the way X10 operates, sends the video signal over the existing power lines in my home. The receiver for the video signal plugs right into the wall, and a video cable runs from it to the computer. The picture is slightly grainier than it would be if I'd ran the cable into the house, but it is still far clearer than a wireless transmission would be at that distance.

I now can easily create an interface between SupervisorCam and Homeseer (I haven't had a chance to set this up yet, so I'll let you know how it goes). For each camera, I can set up a dummy device in Homeseer that it will treat as a motion detector. When SupervisorCam detects motion in the frame, it will trip the dummy motion detector device in Homeseer, and Homeseer can react to it just as it can react to a real motion detector going off. That means I now have a motion detector that essentially covers my entire yard instead of a few dozen square feet. Set foot onto my property, and it'll light up like a crack whore after church.

If you're not at all familiar with HAS, you're jaw might be on your chest, and you might even think I'm a nutjob. But this is just a drop in the bucket. With additional modules, you can have your house react to the weather. Hot out? It can close the curtains, turn the furnace off, and turn on the A/C. Or it can detect that it's a crisp, dry spring day and crack the windows slightly to air out the winter stink. And if it starts to rain, it can detect the droplets, close the windows, and turn off your lawn sprinklers. Cold out? If the furnace breaks down, it can email, text, or call you or maybe a neighbor with the temperature inside the house.

And you don't have to go as crazy with all of this as I did. You could do something simple like set the desk lamp in your office to turn on when you walk in, and off when you leave. A $10 transceiver and a $10 battery-powered motion detector can do that.

Having said all that, X10 is not manna from heaven. As a protocol, it has inherent problems. A stray signal could flip a light on in the middle of the night, or a prankster with an x10 remote could crouch outside of your house and have some fun with you. It is not a secure protocol, which is why I have resisted the temptation add things like furnace control. I have not had either of those problems so far, fortunately.

However, one problem I've experienced firsthand is signal fade. If a signal has to cross the electrical phases in your house (your home's wiring consists of two electrical phases that are connected at your fuse or breaker box), the X10 signal can weaken significantly. I had to play with the placement of my transceivers to ensure signals would reach all areas of my house 99+% of the time. Even now, a couple of my lights have problems when the signals are sent from my computer.

If you want cheap and easy with very good reliability and little concern about tampering from outside signals, X10 is the way to go. If you want to spend more dough, get more reliable 2-way communication from devices, and get encoded signals that other people can't interfere with, try Zwave devices instead of X10. I have no personal experience with Zwave, but from what I've read of it, it solves some of the problems with X10.

Want to know more? Weave your way through the visual assault that is x10.com or try Smarthome or the Homeseer website for information on their respective products and home automation in general. A coworker also clued me into a discount video camera site at PalmVid