afterglide: Touch my toilet!

Tomorrow I plan to rest as one should on Labor Day, as I spent last night and part of today installing a new toilet in my basement bathroom. Thank you, thank you, thank you to my friend Ange who was a sport and came over to help me haul out the old one last night. A real friend is one who will touch your dirty toilet and laugh about it. And an even better friend will touch the dirty hole in the floor where that toilet once sat and laugh about it. That she did.

The old toilet in my basement was caked in decades of mineral deposits that no cleaning solution will ever hope to break loose. Plus late last year or early this year, the tank started leaking to the point that the toilet ran constantly, so I had to turn the water supply off and not use it. Furthermore, the toilet's flush was laughable. I couldn't even flush a G.I. Joe helmet down the fucking thing without it plugging. And that is the plumbing industry's standard for flush strength. How many G.I. Joe accessories can the toilet flush? Well, I'm pleased to report that this new toilet, as evidenced in the video below, can not only flush a G.I. Joe helmet, but it could probably take down a Care Bear, a Care Bear Friend, and a horse fetus (which sadly could have also grown up to be a Care Bear Friend, but its mother didn't wish to get stretch marks or give another horseless couple a chance to adopt).

As with every single home improvement project I have ever embarked on, this one was not without its snags. I had to make an extra run to Home Depot last night to buy parts I thought I needed (thankfully I don't--there's $30+ worth of stuff I can return!). And today I ran to Hardware Hank to pick up a couple of bolts and washers when I discovered that the dipshit that installed the original toilet had bolted in the flange spacer incorrectly, forcing me to search for a nonstandard set of bolts and washers to clamp the crapper to the floor. It was either that or pry the flange out and install a new one. Far more work. I'll just find new bolts, thank you very much.

I highly recommend this particular toilet, the Kohler Cimarron. I replaced my upstairs toilet with the same model early last year. I flush baby animals and severed limbs down it all the time, and it never plugs! Pros: awesome flushing power despite America's stupid environmental laws requiring low flow toilets, sits a little higher than a normal toilet, modern looks. Cons: high price (I dropped about $230-$240 at Home Depot on the toilet and tank, not including the wax ring, supply line, and other things I needed), the enlongated hole in the tank makes it difficult to form a good seal with a plunger in those very rare cases that it plugs.

Now please enjoy my basement toilet montage and flushing demo. Don't worry--this video is shit and horse fetus-free: