Poop crayon

For years, I have struggled to think of a way I can contribute to a more environmentally sound lifestyle for myself and others. I wasted 4 years researching methods to alter human DNA such that the digestive system produces less gas for our bodies to release into the atmosphere. The result was a clone army of freaks that seep a neverending slow, steady hiss of pungent flatus from every pore. Then one day while taking a particularly firm crap, it dawned on me like a new morn--the poop crayon.

With a unique and patent-pending refining technique requiring minimal expense of energy, human feces can be dried and molded into slender cylinders with similar properties to those of wax crayons. Currently my equipment is able to accept bowel movements from thousands of donors and sort and blend them into specific colors like brown, burnt umber, sepia. Particularly bloody stools can be processed into rust, maroon, or even burgundy. I'm also currently working on second generation equipment that can separate the contents of baby diapers from the diapers themselves, adding multiple green and yellow hues to the spectrum. The new machinery will also take care of one minor, but embarrassing flaw in the current system. Let's just say that a crayon full of peanuts or corn kernels does not compete well against Crayola.

An eager baby plays with a second generation poop crayon