Parking dipshits

I've hinted at my relatively anal retentive parking habits a few times here before.
While I'm not as obsessive as I was when I first bought my brand new Acura RSX in 2002, I'm still somewhat careful about where I park. I try to find an end space where I will be unlikely to get dinged. The last few months, I've really relaxed my parking standards (my finish is not quite as pristine with normal rock chips and wear and tear, so why bother?).

Note that I refuse to make my parking issues a problem for other people. You'll never find me parked at a 45 degree angle across two prime parking spaces. I'd rather walk across the length of the parking lot than be a prick. I also try not to make it an issue for passengers. I offer to drop them off at the door if it's going to be a hike to where I end up parking.

Unfortunately, last month I paid for my sphinctoral unclenching with my very first door ding. A large Suburban driven by an unknown person we will call Asshole McGee decided to park in the lot at work about 6 inches from my car. They put a minor, but highly aggravating ding in my passenger side. I was pissed, but I will survive.

So it became obvious I needed to clamp my buttocks a bit tighter again when parking. I started parking in and end spot in a corner of our parking lot (I get to work relatively early in the morning and usually have my choice of parking spaces). Today, I ran out for lunch to find that a minivan driver we will call Fucknut McAsswipe had parked (no exaggeration) THREE FUCKING INCHES from my car. Unless Kate Moss was driving this thing, there was no physical way they could have exited their vehicle on the driver's side! Granted, they did not ding my car, but it made it very difficult for me to back out of the space without scraping the shit out of both of our vehicles.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I pull into a parking spot and realize I'm too close to one side or I'm all cockeyed. You know what I do? I BACK THE FUCK OUT AND FIX IT!! Why? Because I am not a lazy asshole. What gets me is this person had to have realized they parked that close. Instead of getting out of the driver's side, they had to have taken the effort to get out on the passenger side. WHY????????

All throughout my lunch break, I plotted revenge. Key the van? Nah, it's a rusty shitmobile. They won't care. Flatten a tire? Chuck a dead hooker through their windshield? *sigh* That would be satisfying, but not worth the risk of being caught. No damage done--a cooler head prevailed, and I decided to let it be. Next time someone parks too close to me though, I'm taking a dump on their hood.