Download a baby

One of my coworkers was asking around for opinions on local high speed internet providers. We both have the same cable internet provider and evidently haven't had quite the same experience. I have been getting very reliable connectivity and fast download speeds, while she is extremely unhappy with her service.

As the conversation continued, my coworker asked how fast my download speeds were. I immediately and very proudly proclaimed, "I downloaded a BABY!". Now I have no idea what that means either, but in critical review of my non sequitur, it seems there may be some unintentional logic there. It stands to reason that downloading an entire baby would require a very stable, high bandwidth internet connection. One would not want to be halfway through downloading a baby and have the connection time out. Yes, this obviously warrants further analysis.

First thing's first--we need to find someone with a baby we can download. Luckily, a family friend near Seattle just had one with her mouth-breathing husband. The baby being halfway across the country lends further merit to potential test results. The more the hops for the packets along the route, the better!

So I had my friend scan her baby onto her computer.

Experiment #1

As you can see, Experiment #1 was an unmitigated disaster. Somewhere around the 50% mark, the connection to the server timed out. Baby innards and strained peas everywhere. Science is messy.

Result: Partial baby!

Experiment #2

This is a happy, perfectly healthy baby, but quite clearly this is the WRONG BABY!!! Server hiccup?

Result: Somebody out there missing a baby?

Experiment #3

I'm really not sure what happened here. My theory is that while the download completed at 100%, just enough packets where corrupted or dropped to shift around some chromosomes. Sloth-looking little bastard, isn't he? He doesn't seem to like the Baby Ruth bars I tried to feed him, though.

Result: Corrupted baby!

Experiment #4

Yes! Ten, Ten, and One! A fully functional baby! But this raises a whole set of moral dilemmas in the vein of stem cell research and cloning. Never mind what I'm going to do with this thing--who wants to adopt a downloaded baby? Eh, fuck this noise. Into the trash with the rest of them. Don't worry--with the cold weather we've been having lately, the crying and squirming should stop before trash day rolls around.

Result: Success!