Nice! My favorite is the second to last paragraph (copied from twincities.com)

Posted on Tue, Aug. 23, 2005

GOODVIEW, Minn. - Officials in the southeastern Minnesota town of Goodview are relieved nobody was hurt in their annual parade.

An 86-year-old woman drove into the parade Sunday, frightening spectators and participants.

Police Chief LaVern Hauschildt says it's a miracle no one was injured.

Police say the woman turned her red Cadillac directly into the oncoming parade. She nearly struck several children and adults, and almost mowed down a girl's gymnastics team, as she reached speeds of 35 to 50 miles an hour.

An officer tracked her down at home. The chief says the driver was upset police hadn't kept people off the streets while she was trying to drive on them.

The woman was ticketed for careless driving. Goodview has asked the state to evaluate her fitness to drive.

I have been engaged in a secret quest. Though not so secret to most of my friends and family. A quest I must keep a secret for fear of the wrong people finding out. This quest doesn't involve aluminum foil on my head or coat hangers hanging from my ceiling, but it involves bettering myself and being happy. Eh...most people who would give a rat's ass already know what I'm talking about, but it's fun to be mysterious sometimes. Usually I'm very direct. For example, I like boobies. That was pretty direct.

Oh, and I can't wait for the White Stripes show tomorrow night!!

P.S. Boobies!

Ice cream is so ta die for n shit! Oh mah God.. Freak y'all, into the beat y'all! I love ta git a vanilla cone at Dairy Queen on Fridays upside yo head. But if I've been really good, I'll let loose n treat me ta a S-M-to-tha-izzall Blizzard. I know. Hollaz to the East Side. It's so bad, but so good! My hips wizzy know if you dizzle tizzle thizzem!

Comment by Kendra Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 1:54 PM: If you're a chocolate fan you should try chocolate truffle from Baskin Robins. Are you mourning the death of the french silk blizzard?

Comment by Jeremy Thursday, August 25, 2005 at 2:32 PM: Ah, the french silk pie blizzard--actually I think a few DQ's around here have them. The one in south Eagan had 'em as of last weekend. But I decided to try the banana cream. I'm just waiting for late fall when they bring out the Pumpkin Pie Blizzard. I hover about 6 inches off my chair when I'm eating one of those.

I was in DQ's HQ building a few weeks ago visiting somebody. They have a freezer full of free Dilly bars for guests. I resisted the temptation, but I know where to go if I want some free 'scream! *grin*

You're being very furtive. What gives? What's in your hand? Hey! Don't you hide that behind your back, Mister Man! You open your hand and show me what's in it right this instant!! Don't you run away from me. Get back here--hey...hey...HEY!!! *runs after you* Stop running, dammit! *takes a flying leap and tackles you, grabs your hand, and pries it open* I thought so! What did I tell you about playing with these without sharing? *snatches it away and breaks it* There! Now nobody gets to enjoy it. See what you did there? You've ruined it for everyone.

If someone starts rattling off a factoid to you and begins with the phrase, "According to the internet," be wary. You can trust what they are about to say about as far as you can throw your own leg (this includes prosthetic legs--they may not be heavy, but are very awkward to throw).

Now let's break the phrase down a little bit. "According to" You expect this to be followed with something solid, something reputable. An institution with an unstained track record of providing reliable and accurate information. "According to the Encyclopedia Britannica" or "According to the July 15th, 1992 edition of the Washington Post". Anything I say after those phrases could be complete bull poody doop (aka bullshit), and you'd still believe them.

"According to this week's edition of Newsweek, your mother is a whore."

"What?!? She is? Get the heck out of town. Gosh, if Newsweek says it though...wow, you think you know your own mother."

Unfortunately, the phrase "According to the internet" is also suspiciously vague. It's as nebulous as citing a reference along the lines of "According to books, the capital of Oregon is a dollup of melted fudge" or "According to people that live in cars, potato chips are delicious!" What books? What people? And where can I get some fudge and potato chips at 11 pm? I'm hungry.

And may I also point out that the internet isn't even a proper noun anymore, making it even more of a generality. People used to refer to "the Internet" as in "my teenage daughter was lured into an unmarked white Ford Econoline van by a 40 year old pervert that she met on...the Internet!!". As in "that she met in Ohio!!" or "that she met behind the dumpster at Carl's Junior". But the internet is as broad of a concept as a highway system or the ocean. As in "that she met in a random poorly funded public school."

So the next time someone starts in with "According to the internet" you can tell them, "According to the internet, you should shut your ass." Yeah, that'll learn 'em! Ooh--I mean "larn them".

Comment by Jeremy Tuesday, August 09, 2005 at 6:08 PM: Heh...in reading through this again later, I realized this is the second time I've used the word "dollup" in one of my blogs in just the last few days. Prior to that, I could count on one hand the number of other times I've used that word. It has an almost onomatopoeic quality to it. I like it. Rock on, English language.

I had been planning to do it for quite a while, but on a bit of a whim, I decided Friday to schedule a professional certification exam for Tuesday afternoon. I will be taking the Certified Macromedia ColdFusion MX 7 Developer Exam. Ooohh! Ahhh. Heh... I actually passed an older version of this exam in 2002 but decided it was finally time to renew it.

I've never taken any other professional certification exams, but I'm guessing this one isn't quite as difficult as say, a Java certification, but after taking several practice exams with study guide software I downloaded, I've realized I've got some book-crackin' to do! I use CF regularly and have 6 years of experience with it, but there are a lot of new features in the latest version, some I've used, others I haven't. So in other words, what the hell am I doing wasting my time blogging about it! I need to study now!!

I really have no clue what "stuttering man muffins" means. Perhaps an exclamation by a gay superhero? "Stuttering man muffins, Tito! The killer left a dollup of Astroglide on the victim's chest!"

My damned computer is driving me nuts. I just put a new one together (I'm a computer geek, remember?) back in March. I admit it--the old one was fine, but I wanted to be able to play Doom 3 and Grand Theft Auto San Andreas (which wasn't out for the PC at the time, but I knew it was coming soon). Anyway, the fan on my fancy high-end graphics card is intermittently whining away. Wheeeeeeiiiirrrrrrrrr-r---wweee----we-w----------------- ----weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee wuh wuh wuh wuh (2 minutes of dead silence) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEEHEHERRRRRWEE e eEEE eEE....
Ok, you get the idea!! Needless to say, the fan needs to be replaced. I emailed the company's tech support, and they have been less than responsive.

Now on the other side of the customer service coin, my fancy new stride-correcting Saucony running shoes I bought just a little over a month ago developed a very annoying problem. A hole has worn to the side in the cloth down to the rubber on the insert inside the right shoe. WTF? I've maybe run 100 miles in these shoes, and the inside is falling apart like that already? Didn't take but one run with that hole to get a nice blister on my foot. So the shoes are now useless. I called up Saucony this morning. First off, I was connected to a live person within 60 seconds of dialing. Granted, the guy didn't have the most sparkling personality, but he listened to the problem and offered the exact solution I was looking for. They are mailing me new inserts. Fabulous. But I won't applaud too loudly until they get here, and I confirm they're the right ones for my shoes. Regardless, kudos to Saucony on their customer service.

So poop on bad customer service, noisy computer fans, and your mother.

Update from Jeremy Tuesday, August 09, 2005 at 1:25 AM: So update on the Saucony thing. Those dipsticks not only sent me inserts for the wrong shoe, they sent me two left inserts!!! The problem was with the right shoe, so not only did they send the wrong side, they sent two of them. Useless. I'm calling their silly behinds tomorry.